Resolutions we would like to see
IN 2017, I RESOLVE TO ...
… spend less time with Twitter, more with the Constitution. President-elect Donald Trump … spend less time with email, more with Wisconsinites, Michiganders and Pennsylvanians. Hillary Clinton … stay on my own damn plane. Bill Clinton … stay out of politics. FBI Director James Comey … run my speeches through turnitin.com. Melania Trump … steer clear of any further references to “whipped out that Mexican thing.” Vice President-elect Mike Pence … steer clear of those 5-Hour Energy drinks. Sen. Tim Kaine, D-Va. … try those 5-hour Energy drinks. Jeb Bush … not repeat myself. Not repeat myself. Not repeat myself. Sen. Marco Rubio, R-Fla. … buy a newspaper. Libertarian Gary “What is Aleppo?” Johnson … buy a razor. Stephen Bannon, chief strategist for Trump administration … buy a comb. Sen. Bernie Sanders, I-Vt. ... write a tell-all memoir. President Obama … keep debate questions to myself. Former Democratic National Committee official Donna Brazile ... keep my hands off the talent. Former Fox News chief Roger Ailes … keep my hands off other countries’ elections. Russian President Vladimir Putin … tell Putin I can’t be his BFF anymore. Rex Tillerson, ExxonMobil CEO and secretary of State nominee … unfriend each other. Sean Penn and Mexican drug lord El Chapo … drop my smartphone plan, for good. Anthony Weiner … drop Weiner, for good. Huma Abedin, aide to Hillary Clinton … cross that bridge when I come to it. Republican New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie … Google “what is Brexit” before casting ballots. British voters … polish that crystal ball. Pollsters and pundits … stop referring to the Galaxy Note 7 as a “hot” new product. Samsung … go back to giving out toasters. Wells Fargo … invest in basic antivirus software. Yahoo … wash our hands. Chipotle employees … apologize to our patients. Pharmaceutical execs Martin Shkreli and Heather Bresch … apologize to our investors. Elizabeth Holmes, founder of biotech start-up Theranos … avoid the 12th hole at Augusta. Golfer Jordan Spieth … avoid gas station bathrooms. Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte … avoid buying a shirt. Olympic flag bearer Pita Taufatofua of Tonga … do it again in 2020. Team USA gymnast Simone Biles … do it again before 2124. The Chicago Cubs