A WINDING PATH TO PARENTHOOD
Ohio couple has been trying to conceive for nine frustrating years
Many Americans dream of one day having a child, but for those who can’t conceive, the road to parenthood is riddled with financial and emotional strain. In the United States, one in eight couples face infertility, but many feel alone. Women going through infertility experience the same levels of anxiety and depression as those with cancer, HIV and heart disease, research shows. With the federally recognized National Infertility Awareness week beginning today, meet three couples and follow their journeys to parenthood through IVF, adoption and surrogacy.
ANGIE AND BILL BERGMANN
Angie and Bill have been trying to conceive for nine years. Angie, who has unexplained infertility, has been through three rounds of in vitro fertilization, a process in which a mature egg is collected from the ovaries and fertilized by sperm in a lab. An infertility support group leader for RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association, Angie says that despite her most recent miscarriage, she is resolute to try again: “I feel OK most days and wonder why would I want to rip that Band-Aid back off, but then I see a pregnant woman or a baby and say, ‘That’s why.’ ”
DAN AND WILL NEVILLE-REHBEHN
Dan and Will recently had a child through gestational surrogacy, in which an embryo is created using an egg donor and the sperm from the couple. Because surrogacy is banned in some states and legal in others, the New York-based couple used a surrogate who lived in Oregon. To turn their dream of becoming fathers into a reality, the couple spent tens of thousands of dollars on in-vitro fertilization, a surrogate agency, surrogate fees, lawyers, travel and medical costs.
LINDY AND THOMAS DAVIES
After eight years of trying to become pregnant, Lindy and Thomas decided adoption was their best chance at having children. But adoption has obstacles of its own. Bypassing an agency, the Davies opted to vet mothers themselves using adoption.com. The requirements associated with becoming adoption-ready paired with the time and dedication needed to market themselves as good potential parents was exhausting, and discouraging — especially after two women misled the couple into believing they were about to be given a child.
Angie Bergmann knew her pregnancy was over on the way to the hospital.
At almost seven weeks pregnant, she was bleeding heavily and knew the signs of a miscarriage too well. Hours later an ultrasound confirmed her fears.
“The doctor is looking (at the screen), and he is looking at me, and I was like, ‘ Nothing is there, right?’ ” she said, adding, “You can’t sugarcoat this with women going through infertility. We know what we should see on the ultrasound.”
Angie and her husband, Bill, have been trying to conceive for nine years. Over the past few years, Angie has been through three rounds of in vitro fertilization, a process in which a mature egg is collected from the ovaries and fertilized by sperm in a lab. The fertilized egg, which is called an embryo, is transferred to the uterus.
“My whole plan was I would have kids by 24,” she said. “We all make those crazy plans in how our life is going to be, and it doesn’t always work out that way.”
Across the U.S., one in eight couples experience infertility. For those who need IVF treatments, the cost is many times prohibitive, with one round costing as much as $15,000 in some cases, and insurance covering the treatment only in a few states. For Angie, who lives in Ohio, the most cost-effective solution was to travel to New York to a clinic that offered the service at a lower cost than those in her area.
Angie, who has unexplained infertility, which affects 30% of couples tested for infertility, said she was crestfallen when she learned she needed IVF.
“I was basically devastated because I knew that IVF wasn’t covered on our health insurance, and at that time we made significantly less money than we do now,” she said. “I did a whole lot of research to find someplace I could save up the money to do an IVF treatment.”
Angie said she and her husband save about $10,000 per round of IVF by going across state lines.
After her most recent embryo transfer, Angie felt the need to urinate often, felt bloated and was nauseous, side effects of pregnancy.
“I want to stay feeling this way — this is what I am paying for, but knowing that I feel pregnant without necessarily being pregnant is not necessarily the best feeling in the world,” she said.
And when it doesn’t work out, it’s devastating. Angie felt the effects of her most recent miscarriage for most of December, and she admits that during her darkest times she wondered if it was worth it to try again.
The psychological effect of infertility on a woman is “extremely profound,” according to Alice Domar, executive director of the Domar Center for Mind/Body Health and the Director of Integrative Care at Boston IVF.
Domar said a paper she published 20 years ago found women with infertility had the same level of anxiety and depression as women with cancer, HIV or heart disease. She said that simply signing on to Facebook and seeing the posts of ultrasounds and babies other people are having can make women who are experiencing infertility feel isolated or unaware that others are going through the same experience.
“Way more people have infertility than you’d expect, but they don’t post,” Domar said. “There is nothing to post. What are you going to do post, a picture of your negative pregnancy test? Post a picture of your ultrasound after you miscarry? There is nothing to post when you are going through infertility.”
Angie, who is a local support group leader and a vice co-chair for RESOLVE’s infertility day, said she has found comfort in sharing her story. “I recognize that what I am going through is a grieving process; I explain that to people who care about me who don’t understand that,” she said. “This isn’t just a flippant thing I am upset about; this is a real disease that I am dealing with that is impacting my life.”