The adoption process is no less exhausting
Couple tried different methods before becoming parents
There was a time that Lindy and Thomas Davies talked about having five children. For the Mormon couple from Richmond, Va., having kids seemed like the obvious next step after marriage.
“We believe that families are eternal,” Lindy said.
But the Davies’ desire to have children became a painful waiting game that lasted far beyond nine months.
After trying to conceive naturally, an intrauterine insemination (IUI), four rounds of in vitro fertilization and adoption deadends, they weren’t sure they’d ever become parents. “There does come a point where you wonder if you can go forward with this process,” Lindy said.
Failed natural conception wasn’t a surprise.
“There was always an assumption this would be the case,” Thomas said.
About one in eight married couples experience infertility, ac- cording to Centers for Disease Control and Prevention data. Before Lindy and Thomas married, a doctor told Thomas it was likely he couldn’t conceive. He prepared Lindy for that reality before they wed, and she said she was willing to explore other options if necessary.
When IUI failed, IVF was their next step. They were hopeful when they chose a sperm donor who was “getting everyone else pregnant,” Lindy said.
Friends and family largely supported their decision.
While Mormons “strongly discourage” the use of surrogate parents or using eggs or sperm from anyone but the husband or wife, Church of Jesus Christ of Latterday Saints spokesman Eric Hawkins said judgment is ultimately left to the couple.
That was Lindy’s last chance at carrying a child.
“The doctors were standing over me,” Lindy said. “They were shooting to have at least 20 to 30 eggs, and I only produced five.”
“Through the curtain next door, there was another lady who was just waking up, too,” Thomas said. “The doctor said (to the other woman), ‘Oh, you only had 50.’ She was so disappointed.”
Lindy went through four rounds of in vitro fertilization.
On the last try, Lindy became pregnant. Not even two months later, she miscarried.
“It was heartbreaking,” she said. “I was sad. I was mad. I was upset, really.”
“The psychological impact of infertility … is extremely profound,” said Alice Domar, director of integrative care at Boston IVF. “In fact, women with infertility have the same level of anxiety and depression as do women with cancer, HIV positive status or heart disease.”
The fertility treatments weren’t working and they wreaked havoc on Lindy’s body.
The couple decided to adopt. Not having children wasn’t an option. “We weren’t concerned about the methods. ... As long as we could end up with a child, we were comfortable with all the pathways,” Thomas said.
Adopting a healthy infant usually takes two to seven years, according to the National Adoption Center. Couples often must undergo a background check, home inspection and physicals — even the Davies’ dog had to get a physical. Requirements differ by state.
To save money, they started an account with Adoption.com rather than work through an agency. That meant expectant mothers could contact them directly.
“Adoption.com is like a giant Facebook profile,” Thomas said.
“We got scammed twice before we were able to adopt Grayson,” Lindy said.
After nearly three years trying to adopt, the Davies met with a mother in Tennessee to finalize the adoption of a baby boy. But even after Lindy and Thomas were holding the newborn, they had to wait 14 days to be sure the adoption was final.
“You want to believe with all your heart this is your baby, but … you just don’t know,” Lindy said.
The adoption did go through, and Lindy and Thomas’ dream of becoming parents finally began with their son, Grayson.
“We weren’t concerned about the methods. ... As long as we could end up with a child.” Thomas Davies