Positive vibes
Ex-NFL player: Coming out isn’t ‘just a gay story’
Ex-NFL player Ryan O’Callaghan enjoys a mostly supportive response since coming out as gay,
Former NFL offensive lineman Ryan O’Callaghan says he has received thousands of supportive emails and phone calls since he came out as gay this week, each positive sentiment serving as validation for his decision to candidly discuss his suicidal state while he was still closeted.
O’Callaghan has heard from friends, family and former teammates from the New England Patriots and Kansas City Chiefs as well as some he played with at the University of California. A wide array of athletes who have not come out as gay, including another former NFL player, also have reached out.
“My phone has been pretty busy,” O’Callaghan told USA TODAY Sports.
Complete strangers were moved by his courage, too.
“To me, it wasn’t just a gay story,” said O’Callaghan, who chose LGBT magazine Outsports as the vehicle for his revelation. “I think people might not have related to every aspect of the story, but they were able to grab one part of it that really hit home for them. That was the goal, to inspire people by being (honest).”
Two responses were especially noteworthy, he says.
One was from a closeted Catholic priest inspired to confide in O’Callaghan. Another was from a close-minded heterosexual NFL fan who said he didn’t understand what it meant to be gay and consequently used homophobic taunts in his language with regularity — being a “smartass,” he said — but had his “eyes opened” after taking in O’Callaghan’s story.
“When you can change minds, it goes a long way, and people become a little more understand- ing,” O’Callaghan said.
“Gay people are husbands, wives, your neighbor, they’re everywhere — in every walk of life.”
He said messages from exteammates such as Mike Vrabel, Ryan Lilja and Brian De La Puente warmed his heart. While O’Callaghan wishes he would have come out sooner, perhaps when he was still playing in the NFL, the timing felt perfect based on his current state of mind and mental health.
“That’s tough, because I built up being gay in my head so much back then,” said O’Callaghan, who played in the league from 2006 to 2011.
“If I knew the response would be so overwhelmingly positive — that people would still love me and everything would be fine — yeah, I would’ve come out. That (closeted) life was exhausting.”
Fearing condemnation while hiding his sexuality, O’Callaghan says he became addicted to painkillers and planned his own death.
“I’ve come a long way,” he said. “But I’ve got a long way to go, too. I waited a long time to come out, but that’s because I wasn’t planning on living, being alive today. Now I have a lot to love about myself. But it takes awhile. I haven’t touched a painkiller in years. “I’m good.” He said a lot has changed since he played, mainly with the LGBT movement in society — from marriage equality nationwide to several professional athletes who have come out, including Jason Collins in the NBA.
Michael Sam became the first openly gay player to be drafted by an NFL team in 2014, but he never made a 53-man roster. O’Callaghan thinks an active player who came forward would be welcomed with open arms.
“If a guy came out, especially a more well-known guy, he’d get so much support,” O’Callaghan said. “There are enough guys on every NFL team who would not only be accepting, but they’d go out of their way to help and be supportive.”
O’Callaghan looks forward to using his story as a way to help others and says he would be more than willing to help the NFL with LGBT education and inclusion. When asked how he would counsel a closeted player weighing the pros and cons of coming out, O’Callaghan said baby steps are crucial.
“I’d say start by telling one person, the person you trust the most,” he said. “For me, I talked to (therapist) Dr. (Susan) Wilson. After I talked to her, I confided in my best friend. That went a long way, and then you tell the next person. It’s about just having someone on your side who you can really trust and who re- spects you.”
Of course, O’Callaghan did receive negative feedback amid the flood of support — not that it has bothered him.
“Genuinely, if you’re going to bash me, say you don’t accept me, I’ve come so far,” he said. “I don’t give a damn about those people.”