How I learned to say ‘no’
CNN’s Poppy Harlow says her life changed when she stopped filling every free moment
Warren Buffett says a lot of smart things. But one sentence he uttered recently really struck me.
“There are two things money can’t buy — love and time,” the billionaire investor (aka the Oracle of Omaha) told me. “You can buy a lot of things with money, but love and time are so important, and they become more precious as life goes along.”
Time. As the mother of a 1-year-old daughter, you might as well wrap “time” up in a box and give it to me for Christmas. (If only that were possible!)
Not only is Buffett right, but he points out what I have been missing the mark on for a while. I’ve been equating being busy with being productive and happy.
My first few months back at work after maternity leave were rough last year. At first I couldn’t figure out why. I was healthy, we were fortunate to have a happy and thriving child, and I have a pretty incredible husband who equally shares the heavy lift of parenthood.
But I kept filling every free moment of my day with a coffee here and a non-essential meeting there. Did I have an open hour on my Outlook calendar at 1 p.m.? Yup, sure, I can meet then! Why? It’s because I thought having a jampacked calendar would fulfill me. I had confused being busy with being fulfilled. It did the opposite.
For years, I’d been delegating my so-called “free” and “personal” time to the whims of others. Each time I said yes, I was fully aware that scheduling something, even a quick coffee, would mean less time at home with our 18-month-old daughter, Sienna.
I found myself racing home to squeeze in time with Sienna. But I was missing too many of the most precious moments when I see and appreciate the little things she does, like watching her twirl until she gets dizzy and then plops on the ground.
All that rushing left me feeling like a failure on all fronts.
If this first year of motherhood and the ensuing work-life juggling act has taught me anything, it’s that something has to give.
Here’s the thing — this was a problem of my own making.
I recently heard Ursula Burns, the former CEO of Xerox and a woman highly respected and admired around the globe, say she’s still trying to learn to say “no” more often.
She’s 100% right. It’s hard, but I knew I had to start.
Reclaiming your time goes beyond managing the work-life juggling act. It extends to personal time, too.
My longtime friend Verena von Pfetten, a digital consultant and entrepreneur, is a master at this.
“As a rule, I try to make no more than two outside-of-work plans a week,” she told me. “It forces me to actually think about what I want to do and whether it’s important to me,” she told me. Amen.
I took on the von Pfetten challenge, if you will, starting about six months ago. It was harder than I thought. In fact, I had intended to publish this column months ago, but each time I read through it I realized I still was not living what I was preaching. I wasn’t saying “no” enough.
It is important for all of us to help those coming up in their respective fields. Mentoring youth at Madison Square Boys & Girls Club, as well as aspiring journalists, has fulfilled me in so many ways. I’ve been fortunate to get helpful advice throughout my career, and the least I can do is pay it forward.
For those other requests that were taking me away from my family too much — here is what has helped me manage them.
Rather than defaulting to “yes,” I’ve been saying, “Can we talk over the phone?” Before we chat, we set an agenda over email — and stick to it. And I make sure to schedule those calls when I am commuting or when my daughter is napping, so that I don’t lose the time with her.
Saying no can be uncomfortable and feel awkward, but trust me, it is liberating.
I still have the demands of my job — but I’ve prioritized what is most important. Yes, I’ve said no to things that could have helped me professionally. Yes, I’ve had to be more selfish. But if you don’t make yourself a priority, who will?
What I’ve learned is that I’m actually saying “yes” to what matters most. Yes to more time with family. Yes to more sleep (I needed that). Yes to thinking purposefully about what I want to achieve, personally and professionally.
All of this has made me think of my dad a lot more recently. He passed away from cancer when he was just 49. I was 15 years old. He was the kind of parent I hope to be. He traveled often for work, but when he was home — he was home. No distractions. Nothing else but us mattered to him in those moments.
It may have taken me 35 years, but I got the memo, Dad. Thank you so much — from me, Sienna and our little boy on the way.
I thought having a jam-packed calendar would fulfill me. I had confused being busy with being fulfilled. It did the opposite.