HOW A DAD ADAPTED TO TRANS CHILD
There’s no manual for surviving this seismic shift or coping with fears for Mae’s safety
“
Dad, I’m going to transition. I’ve never felt comfortable as a girl.”
No parent is ever prepared for those words. I wasn’t.
I’m the proud father of Mae, an amazing 22-year-old, non-binary child, assigned female at birth, queer and celebrating one year of testosterone therapy.
Mae’s preferred pronouns are now they/them/their. And we recently used the same public restroom for the first time. There’s no manual for surviving such a seismic shift in identity and behavior. It’s an emotional earthquake for parents.
Like many other parents, I’m consumed with fear for Mae’s safety, especially after last month’s horrific murder of a transgender teen in Missouri. But my fear is tempered by immense pride in their bold quest to outwardly personify their true, inner identity. Even fully accepting parents are caught in a tug of war between supporting the transition and clinging to the child we’ve raised and loved, transforming right in front of our eyes.
Thousands of parents like me bear witness to a gender-fluid generation that’s aching to escape the shadows of ignorance, stigma and abuse. Just this week, Attorney General Jeff Sessions said federal civil rights law does not protect transgender people in the workplace. So, we fight, in courtrooms, capitols, classrooms and, yes, bathrooms for their right to pursue their happiness.
Here are lessons I’ve learned from my courageous Mae and the transgender community, whose fierce challenges illuminate what the Human Rights Campaign calls “one of the civil rights battles of our generation.” This is not new to native
communities. According to Duane Brayboy, writing in Indian Country Today, native communities acknowledged up to five gender identities: female, male, Two Spirit Female, Two Spirit Male and Transgendered. Gender identity is a spec
trum. In 1966, sexologist Harry Benjamin cataloged numerous influences driving gender identity and sexuality, “chromosomal, genetic, anatomical, legal, gonadal, germinal, endocrine (hormonal), psychological and social.” About one in 300 people are born with gender dysphoria, their sexual identity and assigned gender at odds with their sense of self.
Mae is non-binary (they/them pronouns only), which accurately reflects their personality and makeup. They’re not comfortable
being perceived as a woman but don’t feel male, either. Just Mae. Physical and emotional abuse is widespread. Nearly four in 10 trans people attempt suicide. One in four kids in grades K-12 reported being physically attacked, and one in eight were sexually assaulted because of their gender identity. Of those who interacted with police, 22% were harassed, according to the 2011 National Transgender Discrimination Survey. The business community has a long way to go. One in three trans people lives in poverty, and 16% reported losing a job because of their gender identity or expression, according to the National Center for Transgender Equality. I worry how Mae will be able to navigate gender questions on job applications, interviews and the like after graduation.
Mastering a loved one’s preferred pronouns is immense
ly important. Months into Mae’s transition, I eagerly accepted a speaking engagement as an LGBTQ ally. Mae was not impressed: “Can you get my (expletive) pronouns down before you speak for us?” It took me months to truly honor Mae’s new identity and focus on their deeper expressions of personality, soul and spirit. I’ve had to dig deep to reimagine our father-daughter relationship and adopt a new dynamic and language that nobody around me knows or speaks.
MARK MAKELA, GETTY IMAGES
Speaking openly invites in
vasive questions. Recently, a former classmate asked, chuckling, about the fate of “leftover parts” from Mae’s reassignment surgery.
I’m blessed with friends and family who ask respectful questions, but a simple “boy or girl” from a stranger can be challenging: Neither. Both. Yes.
Vocal opposition to President Trump’s ban on trans people in the military service left Mae wary: “We only get vocal support for the chance to die serving a country that doesn’t care about us on our own soil?”
The biggest lesson I’ve learned: Embrace the unsolved riddles of gender and the pioneering trans people defying society’s traditional, binary understanding of it.
Approximately 1.4 million transgender Americans merely want to be accepted for being what they’re feeling. In a country that worships at the altar of individualism and freedom, this should not be the heavy lift that it, sadly, remains.
If a late 50s dad can adapt to their formerly “opposite sex” child now using the same restroom, America can adapt, too. But quickly, please.
Lives are literally at stake.