FOX TALKERS ON N. KOREA: A PARODY
Limbaugh, Hannity and Alex Jones discuss the imaginary obliteration of Seattle
North Korea, marking the founding of the ruling Workers’ Party today, has launched a nuclear strike on Seattle. Hundreds of thousands are dead. America gears up for war. To discuss what’s next, Chris Wallace of Fox News brings together an all-star panel.
Wallace: Seattle is no more. For the first time since the War of
1812, an American city has been destroyed by a hostile power. I’m embarrassed to say that Fox News has brought together three people I have to pretend are experts: Sean Hannity of Fox News, Alex Jones of Infowars and Rush Limbaugh of the Rush Limbaugh Show. Gentlemen, what now?
Hannity: We need to talk about what really matters: the
2018 election. And this was truly a masterstroke by President Trump. Wallace: Come again? Hannity: Sen. Maria Cantwell, a Democrat, is up for election in 2018. And now all those latte-drinking liberals in Seattle can’t vote anymore. That seat has gone from blue to red.
Wallace: Please tell me that’s a reference to political party and not enveloping flame.
Limbaugh: Chris, that’s your problem. You’re afraid to tell it like it is. Trump is a genius. And these “victims” in Seattle are the enemies of the real America. Think about who is based there. Amazon, the owner of the Amazon Washington Post ...
Wallace: That’s not actually how that works ...
Limbaugh: ... Microsoft, where “American” Bill Gates sends billions every year out of America to fight so-called diseases hurting people in countries I can’t even find on a map. I mean, Botswana? Is that even a real country? He needs to try Nambia! And, of course, Starbucks is in Seattle. Where they invented the latte!
Jones ( yelling ): Getting rid of those lattes is the most important part! Why do you think everyone who drinks lattes is a liberal, elitist spawn of Satan? Because of what Starbucks puts in them! Those chemicals promote gay! That’s why I sell Infowars coffee filters, guaranteed to keep latte juice and fluoride out of your water, and also chemicals that turn the freakin’ frogs gay.
Wallace: Moving right along. Sean, how do we need to respond?
Hannity: We need to investigate how Hillary Clinton used her emails to sabotage America’s missile defense.
Limbaugh: Sean is absolutely right. This is the most critical story, and the drive-by media just refuse to cover it because they hate Donald Trump.
Wallace: You know Seattle no longer exists, right?
Hannity: Rush and I are the real journalists. We won’t get distracted from the real stories just because a major American city gets bombed.
Limbaugh: It’s only the pathetic mainstream media that are so consumed by their hatred of the president that they focus on every tweet, episode of collusion or city consumed by a nuclear explosion.
Hannity: And the collusion, it didn’t happen. The media love to focus on the so-called Russia dossier, which details so-called activities, involving so-called ladies of the night on a bed in a hotel in Moscow ...
Limbaugh: Sean, I love ya buddy, and I know you’re just trying to help. But please stop bringing that up. It’s getting weird.
Wallace: How do the three of you recommend the U.S. military respond? Do you think we can primarily work with bombers, or do we need to commit ground troops to topple the Kim regime?
Jones: We can’t do either! Our entire Air Force is used up, spreading chem trails across the sky! The Army is preparing its in- vasion of Texas! The Navy is too busy hiding how the government controls the weather!
Hannity: Dude, you need to calm down.
Limbaugh: Seriously, even I get anxious around you.
Wallace: Sean and Rush, anything on our military response?
Hannity: The real question is why was it Hillary Clinton wanted to see Seattle destroyed?
Limbaugh: And I think I know why. What was Hillary most worried about? Those 30,000 emails. And what account did she use? A Microsoft account.
Wallace: It was a Gmail account, but you don’t care.
Limbaugh: ... And where is Microsoft based? Seattle, of course. Seeing Seattle destroyed was the only way she could permanently delete those emails.
Wallace: That’s a truly startling accusation. Do you have evidence?
Hannity: People are saying it’s true. People believe it. We Americans know it. That’s the evidence!
Wallace: Gentlemen, thank you, but I can’t take this anymore. So, for all of us at Fox News Sunday, this panel has been painful.
Neal Urwitz is director of external relations at the Center for a New American Security (CNAS).