Why harassers’ apologies fall flat
How do you say, “I’m sorry”? ❚ In lots of different ways. But as entertainers such as Louis C.K., journalists such as Matt Lauer and politicians such as Al Franken apologize after being accused of sexual harassment, many experts say the mea culpas feel forced. ❚ “The deepest kind of apology is marked by a transformative experience, coupled with an apology and the understanding of the harm that has been done,” says Gerald Schoenewolf, Ph.D., a licensed psychoanalyst in New York. ❚ USA TODAY asked psychologists, feminists, crisis-management experts and human resource professionals to analyze recent high-profile apologies. Here’s what they thought.
The forced apology
When a celebrity says something on Twitter deemed unacceptable, an apology is issued. But the race to communicate something, anything, can come off as insincere.
“Often the apology is done out of expediency, and it’s not a real apology at all,” Schoenewolf says.
For instance, Louis C.K., who was accused by five women of sexual misconduct, responded by admitting that the stories were true. Then he offered this explanation: “At the time, I said to myself that what I did was O.K. because I never showed a woman my d**k without asking first.”
Such a statement shows befuddlement, says Toni Van Pelt, president of the National Organization for Women, a rights organization based in Washington, D.C. “Why would any woman want to see a man’s penis in this context?” she asks.
In his statement, the comedian tried to show some level of regret. “I have been remorseful of my actions. And I’ve tried to learn from them. And run from them,” he said. “The hardest regret to live with is what you’ve done to hurt someone else.”
Laurie Ruettimann, a human resources consultant in Raleigh, N.C., says that apologies like this are awful because they frame the victim’s experience through the eyes of the perpetrator.
Yet some image experts think he will be able to recover.
“In his line of work, the public’s memory is short,” says Karla Mas- tracchio, Ph.D., a communications consultant and adjunct professor at the University of South Florida.
“If he lays low for a while, I think he will be able to have a career after this.”
Matt Lauer, the former co-host of NBC’s Today who was fired after a colleague made a detailed complaint accusing him of inappropriate sexual behavior, responded in a written statement roughly 24 hours after the initial allegations were reported.
“Some of what is being said about me is untrue or mischaracterized, but there is enough truth in these stories to make me feel embarrassed and ashamed,” Lauer said.
“I regret that my shame is now shared by the people I cherish dearly.”
Ruettimann thinks Lauer needed time to have his apology vetted. “The only reason he waited 24 hours to issue an apology is because he needed to draft his message with a PR firm and clear his apology with his lawyers,” she says.
Lauer’s lawyer, William Zabel, did not respond to USA TODAY’s request for comment.
The charges against Lauer spell the end of his TV career, says Evan Nierman, founder and principal of Red Banyan, a public relations and strategic communications firm with offices in Florida and Washington, D.C.
“His apology checked the right boxes and was well-crafted, but he will never undo the permanent
damage to his reputation,” Nierman says.
The non-apology apology
Some men say sorry to appease and save face. “People tend to apologize to control the reaction and to prevent punishment,” Schoenewolf says. He says these types of statements sound false and are couched in deflection and defensiveness, which was the case with the apology of actor Kevin Spacey.
Actor Anthony Rapp claimed that Spacey made inappropriate sexual advances toward him when Rapp was 14. “I honestly do not remember the encounter,” Spacey said in a statement. “But if I did behave then as he describes, I owe him the sincerest apology for what would have been deeply inappropriate drunken behavior.”
This apology offers no real accountability, says Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., a psychologist and author of Why Won’t You Apologize? Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts.
Jacquie Jordan, CEO of TVGuestpert, a branding, promotion and media development company in Los Angeles, says Spacey’s apology was career suicide.
“I have loved and had romantic encounters with men throughout my life, and I choose now to live as a gay man,” Spacey said in his statement.
“He confused being gay with being a pedophile. His career has no future, and he will likely get kicked out of The (Motion Picture) Academy,” Jordan says.
“Powerful men have always been able to behave without restrictions, but working-class people have always been routinely fired for inappropriate behavior.” Laurie Ruettimann Human resources consultant
The excuse-laden apology
People are tempted to explain away their actions. While it can be helpful, offering too many reasons come across as empty excuses.
For instance, at least 84 women have accused Hollywood movie mogul and producer Harvey Weinstein of sexual harassment or sexual assault. In part of Weinstein’s statement, he said: “I came of age in the 60s and 70s, when all the rules about behavior and workplaces were different,” he said.
It’s a lazy excuse, Ruettimann says. “Powerful men have always been able to behave without restrictions, but working-class people have always been routinely fired for inappropriate behavior.”
Weinstein’s days as a respected Hollywood power broker are over.
“The court of public opinion has already deemed Harvey a “serial predator,” says Farrah Parker, a branding consultant in Los Angeles.
The reluctant apology
The experts say it’s obvious that some of the men feel very bad about their behavior. It may be why then-Sen. Al Franken, D-Minn., publicly apologized twice after Leeann Tweeden, a radio broadcaster and model, accused him of groping her without her consent during a USO tour in 2006.
“I certainly don’t remember the rehearsal for the skit in the same way, but I send my sincerest apologies to Leeann,” Franken said.
“There is some remorse in Franken’s apology, but you want to be careful about apologizing too much,” Schoenewolf says.
On Dec. 7, Franken announced he would resign from Congress. Franken called it “the worst day of my political career.” He also took it as a chance to deliver a parting shot to President Trump. “There is some irony in the fact that I am leaving while a man who has bragged on tape about his history of sexual assault sits in the Oval Office,” Franken said.
Franken’s career is finished, Nierman says: “His resignation speech on the Senate floor included pledges to rededicate himself to being a champion for women, so only time will tell whether those were the false promises of a politician or a guiding light for whatever comes next for him.”