Amazon HQ2 finalists consider headaches
Worried residents say housing prices, traffic gridlock would be unbearable
COLD OPEN: Host CHRIS HARRISON strides onto a brightly lit stage and takes a seat overlooking two rows of elegantly dressed cities.
CHRIS: Good evening and welcome to this Cities Tell All edition of The Bachelor. Next week, bachelor Jeff Bezos will start culling the 20 cities he has selected as finalists for online retail giant Amazon’s second headquarters. Jeff will be with us later — but first let’s hear from some of the cities he sent packing during the first 10 episodes of our special Amazon HQ2 season.
(Cut to bored-looking PORTLAND scrutinizing her manicure.)
CHRIS: Cities, it seems Jeff wasn’t very interested in those of you outside the South and the East Coast. And only three Midwestern cities — Chicago, Indianapolis and Columbus — captured his fancy. What do you make of that?
MILWAUKEE: Columbus isn’t even the most interesting city in Ohio.
(Cut to CLEVELAND, who laughs out loud, then bursts into tears.)
DETROIT: No one from Michigan ever counts Columbus out, Chris. But I was surprised that Jeff fell for Chicago’s worldly woman schtick. Chicago was always talking about the other companies she’s been with, how she used to drop one off at Midway just in time to meet another one flying into O’Hare.
CHRIS: I can’t speak for Jeff, but maybe a city with two major airports is pretty exciting to a guy who’s all about delivering packages?
LOUISVILLE: Multiple airports! Exciting. You just have to make sure your Spanx keep your exorbitant tax burden hidden until he turns off the lights.
(Cut to HOUSTON and GRAND RAPIDS sharing appreciative smirks.)
CHRIS: You raise an interesting point, Louisville. In our season premiere, Jeff emphasized the importance of “educated talent” and “global connectivity.” But it seems like tax breaks loomed pretty large in the finals.
MINNEAPOLIS: Well, St. Paul and I offered him $5 million in incentives.
(Camera zooms out to show the other cities rolling their eyes.)
CHARLOTTE: Minneapolis. Sweetie. Wake up and smell the coffee, OK? Half the cities who made the finals offered Jeff more than $1 billion, with a B. Newark promised him $7 billion.
SAN FRANCISCO, dismissively: It isn’t going to be Newark.
CHARLOTTE: Of course it’s not. But there’s a reason Newark is in the finals and Baltimore isn’t.
BALTIMORE, looking wounded: I may not have offered him $7 billion, but I thought Jeff and I had some real chemistry. We already opened a major distribution center together.
LAS VEGAS: Yeah, well, there’s the kind of city you stash inventory in, and there’s the kind you take home to meet your parents, know what I mean?
BIRMINGHAM, sotto voce: Says the city who spent the whole season drunk and half-dressed.
(Cut to LAS VEGAS shooting BIRMINGHAM a venomous look.)
CHRIS: I think some of you might like to hear from Jeff himself.
(AUDIENCE applauds enthusiastically as JEFF BEZOS ascends to the stage and takes a seat.)
CHRIS: Jeff, this is the first time you’ve seen any of the cities here since you told them you’d be picking some other town to host Amazon’s HQ2. Anything you want to say now?
JEFF BEZOS: Only that I enjoyed all my time with every one of them, and that there isn’t a city here I wouldn’t want to spend more time in.
(Cut to VEGAS, sticking finger down her throat and making gagging noises.)
CHRIS: Jeff, there’s a city who’s been sitting here quietly for most of the night, but I think she has a question. Isn’t that true, Detroit?
DETROIT: I want to know why you lied to me. The night we spent together, you said I was a diamond in the rough. You said that if you and I ever got together, Detroit would shine brighter than any city in the world.
JEFF BEZOS: You are a diamond in the rough. You all are. But Amazon just can’t make all of you world-class.
LAS VEGAS: Don’t you get it, Detroit honey? Does he have to spell it out?
DETROIT, angrily: You think you can make Newark world-class? Or Indianapolis? CHRIS: That’s all we’ve got time for tonight. See you all after the final rose.