My Valentine’s Day performance review

‘Potential as optimal husband material’

Just before Valentine’s Day, I received an email from my wife. Attached was my annual performance review as her husband:

Development goals

To aggressively address the need to be the model partner your spouse has so abundantly deserved during our 20-year marriage, but has so obviously yet to come close to getting.

To better contribute as a go-to resource, emotionally, intellectually, financially and otherwise, preferably without having to invest in major luxury goods as gifts or resort to other cheap PR ploys to endear himself.

To stop feeling like a vendor and worrying his job could be outsourced.

Accomplishments

Demonstrated 11% more understanding and empathy toward spouse than last year, spearheading a program to spontaneously compliment her about her competencies as a mother and also her strange new hair color.

Met billability targets as nearbreadwinner.

Improved listening skills dramatically, except during serious arguments or college basketball games on TV.

Excelled in opening tightly clamped jars, killing rogue spiders, changing flat tires and reaching items in high cabinets, often on short notice.

Challenges

Files grievances about too little shelf space in the bathroom medicine cabinet, despite already occupying the 27% legal limit for males in most states.

Leaves jalapeno-flavored tortilla chip crumbs strewn across bed sheets.

Multitasks at dinner, checking overseas bond markets and placing online bets on college basketball with funds borrowed from our Roth IRA.

Still dominates use of TV remote control and otherwise refuses to be collaborative, once even buying a $200 waffle-maker without going through the established approval process.

Overall rating

Meets expectations (but certainly never threatens to exceed any).

Comments

Bob continues to show potential as optimal husband material. Conceivably, he will survive in his current capacity. He rated marginally higher this year than last year on the standard compatibility algorithms as well as other key metrics. In short, he has tried hard to overcome his natural tendency to be a jerk. For example, he now initiates fewer disagreements. He has also agreed to stop bad-mouthing me with his stupid friends on poker nights.

But Bob will have to be more proactive, particularly on decision-making and problem-solving behaviors, to earn a position in senior management. Listening to me talk for over two seconds remains for him very much an unnatural act. He rarely has a thought that stays in his mouth. And why he secretly funded opposition research against his own wife I’ll never fathom. His limitations as a husband within our organization occasionally appear unlimited.

Recommended action steps

The year ahead will extend the probationary period begun on our wedding day. The following deliverables will take priority:

Once and for all stop laughing at my high school yearbook picture.

Stop shrugging, scoffing and waving his hand dismissively at me when I plead with him to be more easygoing.

Keep his big trap shut until I’m bloody well finished talking.

I signed the form and declined to take issue with any of it. But now’s my chance to restore balance in our relationship. I’m writing my annual performance review of her.

Happy Valentine's Day, honey.