Can she out-Gwyneth Gwyneth?
Our reporter spends time as a Goop pupil.
After 30 days and countless bottles of water, I survived taking Goop vitamins and lived to tell the story.
Goop founder Gwyneth Paltrow is equal parts health-and-wellness guru and actress these days. Would a month of popping the Gwyneth-approved supplements help me morph into a lithe, blond megastar? I started 2018 searching for an answer by testing out two of her vitamin supplement regimens: Why Am I So Effing Tired and Balls In the Air.
The Why Am I So Effing Tired packet consists of one PhytoBlend Multi tablet, one Omega-3 EPA-DHA 1000 softgel, three Adaptogen Blend tablets and one Licorice Boost tablet, all of which are meant to “improve energy levels and diminish stress.” The Balls in the Air packet has two PhytoBlend Multi tablets, one Omega-3 EPA-DHA 1000 softgel, two Superpower Support tablets and one Superpower Sidekick capsule, which work together in a regimen “designed for women who function at an intense pace, and want to keep it that way.” Both cost $90 for a 30-day supply.
After 30 days of alternating between the two supplements, I might not look like or have the same bank account as Paltrow, but I have some thoughts about my month-long quest to become a Goop Girl.
Week 1
Day 1 is rough. I was supposed to start on Jan. 1 (new year, new me), but New Year’s Eve got the better of me and Day 1 was postponed until Jan. 2. I start with the Tired vitamins, thinking they might give me the jolt of energy I need to start my day. It’s nothing like a cup of coffee, but I figure one day isn’t enough to gauge the effect. The pills are huge, about the size of a large cashew nut, and there are six in each packet, so there are a few near-choking incidents. They also have an unpleasant scent that just doesn’t go away. I don’t know how someone could take this many pills every day, but I forge ahead.
Week 2
I’m now a pro at swallowing these, and I’m feeling the effects on my life. I’ve been trying to cook rather than eat out, work out a few times a week and avoid the weekly doughnut day at the office so I can boost the effects of the vitamins (and be healthier overall). I’m succeeding, but there’s no big change in my energy. I’m also not one to get sick often, so I’m unsure whether my immune system has improved significantly.
Week 3
My co-workers take pleasure in watching me down a 16 oz. bottle of water for my pill break. I’m feeling more energetic and don’t feel the need to drink as much coffee or tea. Keeping a vitamin regimen has helped me maintain my other routines, and I’m feeling good about making green smoothies in the morning and going to the gym after work.
Week 4
Despite not changing my sleep patterns or my diet in the past week, I feel tired when I get home, even though I can power through my day without issue. We’re in the midst of a busy season at work, so either my workload is getting to me or the supplements aren’t working. Also (TMI alert), my pee is a radioactive color I’m attributing to the supplements. I’m now counting down the days until I can stop doing this.
Takeaways
As much as I wanted to like these supplements, they’re not something I would continue to take and pay for. They make sense in the Goop dynasty, but they don’t fit into my life. If nothing else, the supplements made me seriously consider my overall health. I knew I wasn’t going to magically turn into the Goop founder if I was eating Hot Cheetos and Milano cookies and not exercising while taking the supplements, which is part of the reason I altered my diet at the beginning of the month. Also, alternating the vitamin regimens every day might not be the most effective approach. All in all, the supplement trial made me want to be more Gwynethesque when it came to diet and exercise, but it didn’t make me want to keep Goop-ing it up with the pills.