Respect: 5 ways to project confidence, power
It’s a priority in our lives just like food, shelter
Whether we’re pitching a new customer, are on an incredible first date, shooting a social media video or doing anything where we connect with new people, one common goal we have is to earn the respect of those listening to us.
Getting respect is so important that we tirelessly research and rehearse our words before these activities. Even experts endorse this behavior, and many suggest we use the 10X rule to prepare for important presentations and meetings: If you’re going to give a 60minute presentation, spend 10 hours preparing, for example.
Is respect really that important that we need to spend that much time just to prepare for an hour-long presentation? You bet!
In her international bestseller “Unbroken,” author Laura Hillenbrand suggests we view respect on the same level of priority as shelter and food.
Now, here’s the rub. The initial respect you receive when someone meets you comes primarily from his or her perception of your authority and confidence. That observation is based more on how you say something than the actual words you use. Nearly all studies on communication support this idea. So, when trying to earn someone’s respect, rather than spending significant effort on identifying and stringing together the perfect words, your time would be better spent analyzing how you’re saying those words.
A simple yet effective method to assess how you sound is to record yourself on video, play it back, and focus on key areas of improvement. I’m not telling you to stop preparing your words. Rather, I’m encouraging you to invest more time in what matters most, and that’s in what I consider the five pillars of speaking with authority and confidence:
1. Maintain an erect back
The connection between posture and verbal communication is undeniable. The erectness of your back plays a huge part in how you feel and how you sound. Standing or sitting straight allows you to breathe properly and gives your voice greater strength and clarity. Moving your head a bit also can make a difference in how clear your words sound. Lift up your chin and tilt your head slightly and you cut some of the resonance and improve the sound of your voice. Overall, an erect posture lends a perception of assertiveness to your voice.
2. Keep fluid eye-to-eye contact
When you look someone in the eye and maintain a fluid eye contact, it helps to communicate your sincerity and to increase the directness of your message. Most people can’t do this and instead look down or away much of the time. This translates to a perception of lack of confidence. Another frequent problem is when people stare too intently, which causes the other person to feel uncomfortable. So, don’t overdo your eye contact. Keep a relaxed and steady gaze at the other person with occasional looking away. If you’re talking on camera, imagine the lenses are simply a person with whom you’re having a casual conversation. Looking away periodically helps make conversation more per- sonal, shows interest and respect and enhances the influence of your message.
3. Eliminate fillers
“Like,” “um,” “uh,” “I mean” and “you know” are five of the most popular phrases preventing you from earning respect. These types of words and phrases, referred to as filled pauses or fillers, are used so frequently today they have become part of everyday language. The consequences of fillers are disastrous, namely because audiences are good at spotting them (especially if you’re speaking alongside talented presenters). Once such fillers are spotted, your audience will fixate on them and be distracted from your message. Simply put, fillers are killers. Save yourself and your respect by eliminating them.
4. Pause, periodically
If you’ve ever watched a seasoned presenter, you’ve witnessed the pause – they all do it. I’ve found the more confident the speaker, the longer his pause (think of an elder Southern Baptist preacher at the pinnacle of his Christmas Sunday sermon. He’ll pause so long you could jump out your seat, run around your pew, and be seated before he utters his next word.). The stress of being in front of an audience causes most speakers to speed through their words, rushing past the pauses. Strong speakers, however, don’t rush; they allow for pauses that give their audience time to absorb what they’re saying.
Pro tip: Create a pause by dropping your voice at the end of your phrase instead of raising it, which avoids the awful “valley girl” effect. Focus on dropping your voice and you’ll not only sound more authoritative, but you’ll add those essential pauses.
5. Slow your pace
When we’re in situations with new people, nervousness takes over. When we’re nervous, we talk faster. But it’s important to remember that if your goal is to convey gravitas, slower pacing is always better. Even the most talented speakers struggle with this concept. An interesting analysis showed when thenSen. Barack Obama, already an accomplished speaker, began his run for the White House, he considerably slowed the pacing of his speeches on the campaign trail and into the Oval Office. Slower pacing gives you more influence because your audience comprehends more of your words.
Pro tip: While slower pacing is important, the ultimate goal of presenting as confident and authoritative is to speak at a conversational pace, which means fluctuating your rate of speed. The combination of slow and fast makes your speech more engaging. Keep the majority of your talk in a steady range, then slow your pace to emphasize important points, sadness or new ideas. Speed up your pace to present urgency, excitement or passion.
Paul C. Brunson, host of USA TODAY’s video series “Uncommon Drive,” is a serial entrepreneur with three exits and a pioneering matchmaker (yes, he is the real-life “Hitch”). He also is building a school in Jamaica. Follow him on LinkedIn or Instagram for behind-the-scenes footage and insights from his interviews and travels.
The views and opinions expressed in this column are the author’s and do not necessarily reflect those of USA TODAY.