In 2019, I resolve to ...
… hurry up and finish my report! Special counsel Robert Mueller … keep my hands off Mueller’s report. Acting Attorney General Matthew Whitaker … tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Michael Cohen, Michael Flynn, Rick Gates, Paul Manafort and George Papadopoulos … start telling the truth about everything — except Santa Claus and the tooth fairy! President Donald Trump … wear a jacket emblazoned with the words of President George H.W. Bush: “Message, I care.” First lady Melania Trump … stop wearing the MAGA hat. Kanye West … crawl into an underground bunker. The Hawaii emergency management official who mistakenly sent out a missile alert … download the LastPass app. Hawaii Gov. David Ige, who took 17 minutes to inform residents there was no missile threat because he didn’t know his Twitter password … lose my Twitter password. Roseanne Barr, Elon Musk and others too numerous to mention … make “Stayin’ Alive” my fight song. Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, 85 … avoid keggers. Supreme Court Justice Brett (“I like beer”) Kavanaugh … make way for a younger generation. House Democratic leaders Nancy Pelosi, 78, Steny Hoyer, 79, and James Clyburn, 78 … avoid used mattresses. Former EPA Administrator Scott Pruitt … ride off into the sunset on the horse that brung me. Former Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke … drive off into the sunset. Nissan CEO Carlos Ghosn, charged with violating financial laws by underreporting his pay by $44 million ... sell the Redskins! Dan Snyder, owner of the endlessly mediocre Washington NFL team ... buy the Redskins! Ted Leonsis, owner of the Stanley Cup champion Washington Capitals NHL team ... lose the scissors. Referee Alan Maloney, who forced a New Jersey high school wrestler to get his dreadlocks cut … make up my damn mind. Indecisive bachelor Arie Luyendyk … get more exposure than my lawyer, Michael Avenatti. Stormy Daniels … get marriage counseling from Mary Matalin and James Carville. Kellyanne and George Conway … get frisked before I bust moves on the dance floor. Chase Bishop, the off-duty FBI agent whose gun discharged during a backflip, injuring another patron