9 tips for a happy Thanksgiving
Rule 1: Host sets the rules. Rule 7: No baseball caps about Trump, pro or con.
Could it get any hotter in the kitchen? And I’m not talking turkey. No, I’m pointing to the forecast for recordbreaking highs for the political temperature around holiday tables this year.
With the Democratic-led impeachment process under way and President Donald Trump’s Twitter feed, streaming constantly, with insults, it’s time to go back to the fundamentals of how we talk and eat without developing indigestion. For starters, put down those knives and remember — as I say in my family — it’s the pies that bind us. Oh, and if we really need to start a fight, how about arguing whether it’s “puhKAHN” or “PEE-can” pie.
As a civility expert, here are my recommendations to create a safe zone at your family gathering.
1. Hosts set the rules ahead of time. It’s your gathering, and in the same way you tell people what time to arrive and whether to bring sweet potatoes topped with marshmallows or grandma’s green bean casserole, send an email with your house rules. Here are some suggestions: “We’ll only talk politics (which includes gun control, abortion rights, racism, and LGBTQ issues) before we sit down for dinner.” Other families are more draconian, declaring “a politics-free zone the entire day.” Or this approach, with a side of humor: “The only thing we can talk about are our kids, pets and our ailments.” Remember: Your house, your rules. Your family is relying on you to keep the peace.
2. Don’t make politics personal. If you’re going to talk about issues, talk about them but don’t attack the character of those you disagree with. Almost everyone in politics loved the late Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., because he made it a point to focus on policy and not personality. In fact, I’d go a step further: Let’s not invite Donald Trump or Nancy Pelosi to our homes this holiday season. We see them plenty anyway.
3. Hide the knives. Whether you’re a Red or a Blue — or a purple — it’s easy to toss verbal Molotov cocktails at each other. Sarcasm isn’t our friend and that means no, “Can you pass the imPEACHment pie please?” Or, if asked about the weather, hold your tongue about it being “snowflake season.” While you’re at it, hide the sharp knives.
4. Listen up. We know the drill on social media. Don’t agree with someone’s perspective, flame them. Unfriend them. Problem solved, right? Not so fast. Thanks in large part to our online echo chambers, we’ve forgotten how to listen. Even if our politicians can’t figure out how to listen respectfully, we can. We must. Let those you disagree with speak. Listen to what they say. Be prepared to have your own beliefs challenged as you challenge theirs. One friend offers this humorous and effective suggestion: Take off your hearing aids for the day and say, “So sorry, the batteries are dead.” Problem solved, at least for her.
5. If necessary, call a timeout. Pay attention, hosts. If the vituperation gets out of hand, tell your guests to cool it. Or change the subject, which can mean abruptly starting a new, benign conversation. If there’s a particular troublemaker, ask them to help you in the kitchen and then remind them that the holidays are not about winning political arguments. A friend of mine advises that if a discussion or rant gets out of control, excuse yourself and go the bathroom for five minutes. If it’s still going on, help out in the kitchen.
6. Don’t invite trouble into your home. Some families know they can’t all sit down together now because, as a neighbor of mine reminded me, talking politics or impeachment at the holiday table can only lead to one thing — indigestion. On a similar note, a colleague explained that three years ago his grandmother “disinvited” everyone who had politics different than hers. Since then the remaining guests have been playing Scrabble, drinking cocktails and watching movies all weekend, and having the best Thanksgivings of their lives. Sometimes less is more.
7. No baseball caps at the table.
Ever. Especially those that say “Make America Great Again” or “Make Racism Wrong Again.”
8. Be grateful. Some of the most meaningful holiday dinners have started with a ritual I love: Everyone at the table declares what they have to be grateful for this year. Perhaps it’s your spouse, your kids, your job, good health, a place to call home, or the friends and family you’re breaking bread with. Focus on the ties that bind us, not divide us.
9. Family first. Family lasts forever, whether it’s your biological or chosen family.
And that’s what the holidays are ultimately about. Let’s try not to forget that this holiday season.