Communication is key for couples during quarantine
Pairs should be honest and vulnerable and share their fears, counselors say.
“Love in the Time of Cholera” earned the honor of being an Oprah’s Book Club pick. There may be fewer fans of the reality that is love in the time of COVID-19.
As a result of the viral pandemic, people are spending more time at home – some working remotely, practicing social distancing, isolation and quarantine. This means being in closer quarters for longer periods of time with spouses and partners. Though you may love the one you’re living with, conflicts could arise. To help alleviate strain, we asked relationship experts to provide tips on how to keep things running smoothly while cooped up.
Dr. Gail Saltz, clinical associate professor of psychiatry at the NewYork Presbyterian Hospital and host of the “Personology” podcast, says to accept that there may some kinks. This additional
time spent with a partner is done “under fearful circumstances. So, everybody has more anxiety, more fear of the unknown of what’s gonna happen and that tends to bring out irritability (and) short fuses.”
Communication is the key to avoid escalating a tense situation. Couples should take the time to “sit down, not multitask, put away phones and create a space where both people can just honestly and vulnerably talk about how this is impacting them,” said author and couples counselor Alicia Muñoz.
If one person in the relationship is feeling overwhelmed, Muñoz says their partner should comfort that person using the soft startup, which includes using statements that begin with “I.”
“Rather than, ‘Why are you handling this so poorly? Why are you freaking out? This isn’t as big a deal as you’re making it out to be’ or whatever kind of reactive thing that you might say, really be conscious and instead talk about yourself,” she suggests for the person trying to calm their stressed partner. Try phrases such as, “I’m feeling anxious right now” or “I’d love to sit down with you and brainstorm ways that we can work through this together. “
Muñoz advises couples to lay out how they can manage this trying time. She advises couples to try to answer the question: “How are we also going to stay hopeful and positive through fun activities and connecting activities?”
She suggests thinking of ways to create “mini-dates at home,” including cooking together, dining by candlelight, taking an online dance course, or taking a tour of a museum virtually. “It’s really almost just coming up with ideas that would excite both of you and bring a little bit of playfulness and pleasure and fun into the stress,” she says.
Saltz suggests watching a comedy, listening to a podcast, and even dancing to music as possibilities. But she cautions against increasing alcohol intake.
“You can drink the same amount of alcohol you drank before,” she says. “It would be very tempting to drink more in this situation, and then you create disinhibition, which makes you actually more likely to argue, with your frayed nerves, and you potentially create a problem down the road for one or both of you in terms of alcohol consumption.”