Keeping partner in ‘pocket’ in public can be toxic
People should be proud to show off their partners and relationships. But does it ever feel as if your loved one is hiding you from their friends and family? Or refusing to publicly acknowledge the romance on social media?
Dating experts say these concerns come up frequently, so much so that this behavior even has a name. It’s called “pocketing,” which refers to not telling others about someone you’re seeing.
“It’s like being in someone’s pocket and being hidden from the outside world, even if you’re actually a close, intimate part of their inner world,” says Grace Lee, a dating coach based in New York.
There are many reasons people “pocket” their partners. They may just be a private person. It may also have to do with cultural or religious differences. But oftentimes, pocketing is intentional and malicious, stemming from embarrassment about your partner – and experts say it can be toxic.
“A relationship involves becoming an intimate part of each other’s lives, so pocketing is a serious problem when you’re constantly feeling excluded,” Lee says.
Common signs of being pocketed include constantly being excluded from group activities or never appearing in a post on your partner’s otherwise active social media pages.
Overall, it feels as if there’s a segment of their life is off-limits.
Pocketers “may fear what others think of you, so there’s this sense of shame around dating you,” says relationship expert Susan Winter. “They may fear your social standing or education isn’t up to the standards of their crowd … leading to this feeling of ‘Why am I not good enough?’ ”
Lee adds pocketing can be an indicator of something more serious, like infidelity or unwillingness to commit.
“Pocketing can be an example of outright deceit. When they’re not posting on social media, it may be because they have other people they’re with and don’t want anyone to know,” she says, adding some people may also hide relationships they don’t view as serious.
But it isn’t always a selfish act. For some, it may feel “inappropriate” to publicly celebrate a relationship in the early stages of dating. Others may pocket temporarily with the intention of introducing the person they are with to their inner circle at a later point.
“If your partner says something like, ‘Someday you’ll meet this person’ or ‘I can’t wait to introduce you to this person,’ this is a very different feeling than being pocketed. Because when you’re being pocketed, it’s like you’re intentionally being excluded,” Winter says.
The best way to tell the difference? Bring up these concerns to your partner. And know that eventually it may be best to walk away from those who aren’t willing to publicly celebrate you.
“A real relationship should be out in the open. It’s abnormal to sequester somebody you’re dating, because when people get into a relationship and really care for somebody, they will want to integrate them into their lives,” Winter says.
“If they’re hiding you for fear of judgment from others, you should move on. They’re not going to listen to your concerns, and it’s not worth it.”