A Fourth of July note from a dog: Cut down on the boom-boom
If you’re looking for me, I’ll be hiding under the bed
Today I turn this column space over to my brave and noble dog, Rosie, who is hiding under the bed in our spare room because people are already setting off Fourth of July fireworks. She asked for the following dateline, which seemed reasonable given the circumstances:
UNDER THE BED, IN AMERICA — Hello, I am a the one who is a very good dog, and I am writing to you today from a secure location on behalf of all dogs who are probably also under the bed hyperventilating.
I will cut to the chase. CHASE! WHEN?!? I LOVE CHA … sorry, I apologize for getting distracted. I love to be chased. That is embarrassing.
I write today to formally protest your human Fourth of July celebrations that involve extremely loud explosions that make me and my fellow canines think something incredibly horrible is happening. BAD HUMANS! BAD!!
I’m sorry. I don’t actually think you’re bad. I love you SO MUCH I can barely stand it. Can I lick your face? Please let me lick your face.
Anyway, what you need to understand is that these loud boom-y things you enjoy so much this time of year scare the kibble out of many of us.
It’s easy for you all to say, “C’mon, it’s just fireworks,” but that’s like us watching the stock market and telling you, “C’mon, it’s just your entire retirement savings evaporating! Let’s go smell the air and wonder what that smell we’re smelling might be!”
Check out this excerpt from a Smithsonian Magazine article I read before chewing it up because I was bored and a little mad that my human wasn’t home:
“Dogs are known for their olfactory prowess, but sound also dictates their experience of the world. Dogs hear more than twice as many frequencies as humans, and they can also hear sounds roughly four times further away. Reacting to every sound would demand too much energy, and so dog brains must determine which sounds are significant and which can be tuned out. … Evolution has trained most animals, including dogs, that avoiding a perceived threat is worth it for overall survival, even if, as in the case of fireworks, the threat doesn’t end up being real.”
So when I’m hanging out downstairs, minding my own business, protecting the home from potential cat invasions and whatnot, and suddenly there’s a giant BOOM! like a thunderclap, you better believe I’m high-tailing it under the spare-room bed, which, if you don’t mind me saying, is a bit dusty. Maybe you could get out that noisy stick thing you use on the floors – the one I like to bite because it makes me mad – and clean things up under here, since it seems this will be my home at least through the Fourth of July weekend.
I don’t mean to sound like a complainer, but me and my friends were talking the other day, after we finished sniffing each other’s butts and barking at things that weren’t there, and we reached a consensus that you humans are both wonderful and the greatest things in the world and we love you so much OH MY GOD YOU ARE AMAZING but you also celebrate in very weird ways.
If you’re happy about something, why can’t you just wag your tails or jump up and down or run in circles barely able to contain yourselves and maybe pee a little?
Rather than you all staring up at the sky while stuff explodes all over the place and we, your wonderful, loyal companions, hide in the dust under spare room beds emitting terror farts, wouldn’t it be better if we all just went out in a big field and wagged our tails and ran around and jumped and licked each other’s faces and peed a little? You could even bring treats!
And can I have a treat right now, please? I LOVE TREATS SO MUCH GIMME ONE RIGHT NOW PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.
Sorry, I’ve embarrassed myself again. We dogs realize it’s too late to make a change this year. We are resigned to hiding under beds or cowering in bathrooms for the next several days while you all try to explode the sky or whatever it is you do while cooking meat you don’t share with us.
But maybe next year? Maybe not so much with the boom-boom stuff?
We will love you so much more. Oh, who am I kidding, we can’t possibly love you more you ARE SO AMAZING AND PERFECT IN EVERY WAY AND …
I am sorry. I need to work on containing my emotions. Bad dog!
End of letter.
Sincerely,
– Rosie, very good girl, on behalf of very good dogs everywhere