Husband should be a 50/50 partner in household
Question: “Am I wrong for expecting my husband of six years to help around our home? I’m 28, he’s 29 and we both work full-time jobs. We have two children who are ages 4 and 9. Between games, doctor appointments, and all other motherly duties, I’m feeling really stretched thin. I work from home, so my youngest is with me all day, every day. Our house is always a mess, as they tend to get bored and destructive throughout the day. When I try to express to my husband how stressed I’m feeling, all I get in return is “I’m stressed too. My job requires more work than yours. I don’t have time to help around the house.”
I was a single parent to my oldest before I met my husband. I am used to doing it on my own. I just didn’t expect that I’d still be doing nearly everything on my own after finding a husband. I’m expected to be a stay-at-home mom and still provide an income to support our family. I can’t find balance. I can’t get support or help from my husband. He just acts like I’m an inconvenience for feeling how I feel.
My hope is that one day he’ll understand how I’m feeling and be willing to help out a little more. Even if it’s just something as simple as giving me a night off from cooking and dishes or taking the day off work to get kids to doctor appointments (one of our children has ADHD that requires numerous appointments). I just want to feel valued and not like I’m still living the life I had before I met him. There are so many other issues between us and I’m losing hope that we’ll stay together. Am I in the wrong?”
Answer:Your feelings are completely valid and you’re not wrong for wanting more of a partnership with your husband. I think relationships, especially those that have progressed to marriage, should be as 50/50 as possible. Of course, there will be times when the balance shifts, but for your situation, it doesn’t feel like there’s anything to justify you doing as much as you are. Your husband saying his job requires more work seems unfounded considering you’re working full-time from home, parenting, and maintaining the entire household. Does he step in for household tasks and child rearing in any way? Does he support you and your family in any way other than financially?
It is certainly difficult to cope with feeling undervalued and unheard, especially when you have tried to communicate this to your husband and asked for help. You are more than deserving of a break and a partner who is there for you. With such a lack of equity, it may be time to create a love contract. This can help outline your needs and expectations of your relationship and create a more healthy, fair dynamic between you.
I would highly recommend couples therapy. Your husband doesn’t seem to be able to empathize with you, and a neutral third party may be able to help facilitate that. And there’s a book called “Fair Play” and an associated card game that may help further the conversation of a more balanced household. The reason the author, Eve Rodsky, wrote this book was because she was struggling with unequal labor at home, always being the default parent, and having difficulty getting her partner to understand her. Sound familiar?
Your husband may be dealing with his own mental health needs, but he still needs to be able to genuinely hear your feelings and needs, and be more present in you and your children’s lives. You should not have to feel like a single parent despite having a partner, so I hope these ideas will help facilitate a healthy change for you.
Morgan Absher is an occupational therapist in Los Angeles who hosts the podcast, “Two Hot Takes” where she and her co-hosts dish out advice.