Food for thought: Kind donors like me, they really like me!
Here’s some good news: I, contrary to popular belief, am awesome.
Nobody was more surprised to learn that than me, but there’s hard data to back up the claim.
In December, USA TODAY Opinion launched the Insult-A-Columnist Holiday Food Drive, a chance for readers to donate money to the nonprofit group Feeding America and vote whether I, a liberal columnist in a land of political division, “rock” or “stink.”
Readers answer the call, with hundreds of donations
You remarkable humans managed to raise $66,899 to help people across the country facing food insecurity. That money allows Feeding America to provide food pantries in its vast network with nearly 669,000 meals!
Each of the hundreds and hundreds of donors picked a team, RexRocks or RexStinks. Given the tenor of the reader email I often receive, I assumed RexStinks would win in a landslide. But the RexRocks team narrowly prevailed, with a final split of: RexRocks $33,484.69, RexStinks $33,415.01.
WOOO-HOOOOO! I AM JUST BARELY NOT LOATHSOME!!
This is great news for my traditionally low self-esteem, and I’m sure my late father is proud to know his son grew up to be $69.68 better than dreadful.
Food insecurity is a year-round problem
Feeding America supplies about 200 food banks across the country, and your donations will go to the food bank closest to where you live. While the food drive, per the name, is aimed at the holidays, an important fact to keep in mind is that food insecurity is a year-round problem in this country.
Many around us, friends and neighbors and strangers, straddle the narrow line between getting by and having to make tough choices – buy food or pay rent, buy medicine or go hungry. Food pantries often are the bridge people need to cross through rough patches and keep their families fed.
So I hope you’ll keep the spirit of generosity alive throughout the year, donating, volunteering or doing whatever you can to help food pantries and other community organizations that aid folks who are food insecure.
A promise was made, now that promise is kept
In the original column launching the food drive, I made a promise:
If the RexStinks team wins, I’ll write a column insulting myself mercilessly, and if the RexRocks team wins, I’ll write a column hailing my unparalleled virtue.
If you followed the food drive, you might remember that in the latter half of December, an obnoxiously generous, Chicago-based conservative archenemy of mine – I call him “the oligarch” – attempted to rig the system by dumping an obscenely kind amount of money into the RexStinks coffers.
That spurned many of what I call “the good people” to rally with donations to Team RexRocks. I believe further skulduggery ensued, and if I didn’t know better I’d say the oligarch found a way to play both sides of the fence, but regardless, RexRocks won.
The only thing that could keep me from writing glowingly about myself is the oligarch offering to adopt me. (Every person has their price.)
Let’s not let word of how amazing I am take away from my staggering good looks
Since that hasn’t happened, allow me to self-aggrandize:
First off, I fear a celebration of my fantastic-ness might overshadow the routine appreciation of my staggering good looks. But that’s a risk I’ll take.
Food drive donors were able to leave comments on the Feeding America donation page. One wrote, accurately, “Rex is intelligent, insightful, kind, thoughtful and ALWAYS provides keen insights on the topics he writes about.”
That donor forgotten to mention my finely sculpted man-calves, but otherwise, I have no notes. (Thanks, Mom!)
‘The epitome of Rex Huppke’
Another wrote, “A focus on critical stories with an injection of humor and grace ... that is the epitome of Rex Huppke.”
I believe it was me who once said, “That praise is both abundantly kind and ferociously accurate, and I promise I did not make a donation just so I could write that about myself.”
One noble attribute of me that often gets overlooked is my humility. You’d think I’d spend 90% of each day staring lovingly into the mirror, soaking up my own splendor, but the truth is I only spend about 87% of each day doing that. I’m the Michael Jordan of modesty.
I could go on, but because I’m a turducken of goodness – decency wrapped in wisdom wrapped in selflessness – I’ll stop there and extend my sincere thanks to you all, the readers who made this food drive a success.
A sincere thanks to the real heroes
Whatever your donation, you made a difference in people’s lives. Your generosity – far more than the silly columns I wrote – helped people in your communities who are navigating difficult times. I am in awe of your thoughtfulness, whether you like the words I type or not.
I’m also grateful to Feeding America and to my hometown Greater Chicago Food Depository for the vital work they do aiding and advocating for people facing food insecurity.
We may be ideologically divided in this country, but I think we can all agree on this: No American should go hungry.