Asexuality often can be misunderstood
Paris Hilton thought she was asexual for a time in her life. The socialite and former reality TV star, 42, said in a Harper’s Bazaar interview published Wednesday: “I was known as a sex symbol, but anything sexual terrified me.”
Hilton said as a result of her awful sexual experiences (including a 2004 sex tape and being groomed by a male teacher when she was young) she had difficulty maintaining boyfriends and was instead known as “the kissing bandit.”
However, “it wasn’t until (husband Carter Reum) that I finally am not that way,” she told the outlet with a laugh, “I enjoy hooking up with my husband.”
Hilton’s thinking is not uncommon, experts explain. But fear of sexual intimacy, sexual repression or avoiding sex due to trauma are not the same thing as being asexual.
What is asexuality?
Asexuality is a sexual orientation, like heterosexuality, homosexuality, or bisexuality. Many people in the LGBTQ community think of sexuality as a spectrum. Asexuality is just one end of the spectrum with identities (gray areas) in between. Someone who is asexual may not be sexually active but still masturbate. Or they may be attracted to people but not desire sex.
This means that someone could be asexual but also identify with another LGBTQ label, such as lesbian, gay, or bisexual. Approximately 1% of people are asexual, according to The Asexual Visibility & Education Network.
Why asexuality is misunderstood
Sex educators say asexuality is frequently confused with other things. Sometimes, people falsely use it as a synonym for a low sex drive. Other times, it’s assumed to be a choice, like abstinence or celibacy. The reality is that asexuality is a complex identity. It comes down to how someone is wired.
Asexuality is what KJ Cerankowski, an assistant professor of Comparative American Studies and Gender, Sexuality, and Feminist studies at Oberlin College, calls a “process of discovery,” one that is “unique to each individual’s experience and needs.”
For instance, Catherine Esperanza, who identifies as asexual, previously told USA TODAY that “there are plenty of asexual people who want to be in re
lationships and have sex and they enjoy it.”
“But often when they come out to someone as asexual, especially in a relationship, their partner is like, ‘oh, well you don’t want to have sex with me. I don’t want to be with you.’ But some asexuals do enjoy sex ... There are others who don’t ever want to have sex, have zero desire in it. For others, it just kind of depends on the day. The common denominator is just that they don’t experience consistent sexual attraction.”
Sexual trauma and identity
Asexuality also is commonly conflated with sexual repression, which involves restricting your natural desires and urges. Or sexual aversion, an unwillingness or intentional avoidance of sex. Asexuality also is mistaken as a result of sexual trauma.
While some asexual people may have trauma, these experiences “do not delegitimize the rest of us,” says Julie Sondra Decker, a member of the asexual community and author of “The Invisible Orientation.” Anyone, regardless of sexual orientation, can have trauma, but these negative experiences do not determine sexuality.
“Most of us have spent our whole lives being asked who hurt us or what happened to us. But for many of us, the answer is nothing,” Decker says.
Raising awareness about asexuality is key
In her book, Decker suggests those who think they may be asexual consider their views surrounding sexual attraction to others.
Instead of focusing on why someone is asexual, experts encourage people to think “more expansively” about what it means to be asexual.
Talking about asexuality and what it means is an important step, Aubri Lancaster, a sex educator who focuses on asexuality, told USA TODAY: “The more we make asexuality visible ... the more people are going to see that and start to understand it and recognize if there is something about that that they see in themselves. As far as helping them along the path, it really is just a lot of dispelling myths.”