How did MAGA figure out we rigged Super Bowl?
As soon as the Kansas City Chiefs, DTaylor Swift, beat the Baltimore Ravens to advance to the Super Bowl last Sunday, right-wing thought leaders flooded social media announcing the NFL is rigged and in the bag for Democrats.
Laura Loomer, a MAGA loyalist whom Donald Trump just last year called “terrific,” posted on what used to be Twitter: “The Democrats’ Taylor Swift election interference psyop is happening in the open… It’s not a coincidence that current and former Biden admin officials are propping up Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. They are going to use Taylor Swift as the poster child for their pro-abortion GOTV Campaign.”
Vivek Ramaswamy, former GOP presidential candidate and possible Trump VP pick, wrote: “I wonder who’s going to win the Super Bowl next month. And I wonder if there’s a major presidential endorsement coming from an artificially culturally propped-up couple this fall.”
Right-wing sleuths vs. the NFL and ‘Mr. Pfizer’
Trump supporter Mike Crispi wrote, “The NFL is totally RIGGED for the Kansas City Chiefs, Taylor Swift, Mr. Pfizer (Travis Kelce). All to spread DEMOCRAT PROPAGANDA.
“Calling it now: KC wins, goes to Super Bowl, Swift comes out at the halftime show and ‘endorses’ Joe Biden with Kelce at midfield. It’s all been an op since day one.”
As a liberal in good standing, all I can say is: Dammit, how did they figure it out?
I guess some of it was obvious. Pop superstar Swift has encouraged young people to register to vote and get involved in the electoral process, while her Chiefs tight-end boyfriend Travis Kelce has encouraged people to get vaccinated to protect themselves and others from a deadly and wildly contagious virus.
Those are pretty liberal things to do. But I didn’t think right-wing sleuths would connect the dots this quickly.
Oh well. The vaccinated cat is out of the reusable shopping bag, so I might as well let everyone in on the entire plan.
How liberals rigged the NFL to help reelect President Joe Biden
Yes, the Swift/Kelce relationship was cooked up by a panel of high-ranking Democratic activists as a psychological operation intended to bolster support for liberal causes and the reelection of President Joe Biden.
We first thought using Kelce – from a Midwestern team that, thanks to its Native American cultural appropriation, isn’t viewed as “woke” – would provide cover. But then we decided having him do a commercial for Pfizer encouraging people to get the COVID-19 vaccine made more sense.
After all, the more shots we got in people’s arms, the more implanted microchips we would have to manipulate individual voter behavior. (And yes, we did use a tiny drone to blow out New York Jets quarterback Aaron Rodgers’ Achilles tendon at the beginning of the season. It was necessary to take a prominent anti-vaxxer off the board.)
Next, we made the Chiefs play poorly for a portion of the season, casting doubt that the Super Bowl champions
could make it back to the big game.
We played up the Swift/Kelce romance, knowing it would lure legions of impressionable young people to the NFL, which actually stands for “Need to Federalize Liberalism.”
San Francisco is a ruse
Then, thanks to brilliant scripting, we made it so the Chiefs players would play their best football once they got into the playoffs.
We also paid off the Chiefs’ opponents with offers of Cabinet positions in the next Biden administration. (For an added wrinkle, we decided that for the Super Bowl, the Chiefs would face a team from one of the most liberal places in the country: San Francisco. Genius!)
And now, the stage is set for the operation’s final phase: the Super Bowl halftime show.
We’ve planted reports that Swift will be finishing an Eras tour concert in Tokyo and will barely have time to make it to Las Vegas to attend the Super Bowl on Feb. 11. (She’ll really be attending her weekly Wokeness Strategy Session with Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama.)
Once halftime arrives, R&B legend Usher – the artist we’ve been saying will perform – will come out briefly and shout, “LIBERAL AMERICA! PLEASE WELCOME, TAYLOR SWIFT!”
Surprise guests at halftime show
Swift will be lifted up from below the stage on a diamond-studded platform bearing the letters “DEI.”
From high above, a giant syringe with the word “Pfizer” emblazoned on it will begin to descend. Atop the syringe will be Kelce’s brother, Philadelphia Eagles center Jason Kelce, dancing shirtless with the words “SOCIALISM RULES!” painted on his torso.
Swift will perform several new songs, including “You Need to Calm Down (And Vote for Joe Biden),” “Shake Trump Off ” and “Look What You Made Me Do (I Welcomed an Immigrant).”
She will then rip off her own face, revealing that she has, this entire time, been Vice President Kamala Harris. Biden will join her on stage and together they’ll hit a button, causing an enormous flash of light that will turn everyone watching the game gay. Confetti made up of coupons for free abortions will fall on the cheering Las Vegas crowd before the game resumes and the Chiefs emerge victorious.
So, there you have it. It was all going to be a fun surprise, but the right-wing cognoscenti had to go and ruin it by figuring it out.
Doesn’t matter. The plan is in action. Say goodbye to your beautiful country, MAGA. It’s about to be all ours!