Matt and Ben exemplify male friendship
Article after article, statistic after statistic will tell you plain and simple: Men are lonely and they are bad at making friends.
Men are much less likely than women to receive emotional support from friends, according to “The State of American Friendship” survey in 2021. While 41% of women said they received emotional support from a friend in the past week, that figure was only 21% for men.
But hope is not lost. Close friendships between men can and do exist. Look no further than best friends Ben Affleck and Matt Damon, who regularly discuss their friendship and even made an appearance together during a Dunkin’ commercial during the Super Bowl. In the ad, Damon tells Affleck he’d “do anything” for him.
“They are very open about just how much they care about one another, and loving one another and how important that relationship is to them,” says Chris Reigeluth, assistant professor and child psychologist at Oregon Health & Science University and author of “The Masculinity Workbook for Teens.” It’s exactly the kind of male friendship we need to see.
Still, why are affection and intimacy not common among men? Much of it boils down to expectations associated with masculine norms, experts say, amid an overall friendship decline in the U.S. Though society is chipping away at toxic masculinity, we’ve got a long way to go to better improve men’s mental health. Friendship is a big part of that.
Male intimacy and ‘homo hysteria’
Historically, straight men have hesitated to appear too close to their male friends because of “homo hysteria,” or men’s fear of being perceived as gay. This starts as early as childhood –
though boys typically do show physical and emotional affection as kids before societal norms kick in – but flows into adulthood.
“There’s an idea that any form of intimacy is a sign of sexual intimacy in confusion with that,” says Marisa G. Franco, professor, speaker and author of “Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make – and Keep – Friends.” When some men think “intimate,” their brain immediately goes to sex.
Ronald Levant, professor emeritus of psychology at The University of Akron and co-author of “The Tough Standard: The Hard Truths about Masculinity and Violence,” had a client in his practice who told him that his wife complained about lack of intimacy in their marriage. And he said to Levant, what does she want me to do, have sex with her right when she walks in the door?
“The idea that you could be intimate with someone by talking with them just never occurred to him,” he says.
Intimacy means talking, connection, and vulnerability. A concept that challenges traditional masculinity.
“Sometimes men who adhere to this norm also find it difficult to respond to the vulnerability of another person,” Levant adds. “They don’t know what to do.”
Celebrities such as Affleck and Damon who speak up about topics including mental health and friendship could further help break men out of traditional masculinity. Ditto such films as “Barbie,” where Ken tangos with his machismo and comes out the other side.
“The more that men are letting go of toxic masculine tropes and roles, the more their ‘masculine need for power’ will be replaced with the ‘masculine need for love and belonging,’ ” says Benjamin Goldman, licensed mental health counselor.
Men and the difficulty with connection
When men hang out, they often have a “third object” such as having a game to watch and discuss, Franco says. Women will hang out without that, allowing for more vulnerability in conversation.
Women often will connect similarly to their friends as they would a romantic partner: deep conversation, quality time and even physical intimacy. Men often will compartmentalize these activities apart from friendship.
“If a love connection becomes the most important thing in one’s life, it can be really easy to disregard the value and importance of intimacy in other forms,” Goldman says. While Affleck and Damon have their romantic relationships, their friendship has stayed strong.
‘You’re going to have to be the one to be vulnerable’
The only way to establish closer male friendships is to make the effort – consider simply how Affleck and Damon are willing to openly discuss their friendship. “If you want more vulnerability with your male friends, you’re going to have to be the one to be vulnerable,” Franco says. That means making the request to hang out and talk about topics beyond the superficial.
“A lot of men are thinking about the idea of connection and thinking about the idea of intimacy, and thinking about the idea of belonging,” Goldman says.
Some younger men certainly are embracing these ideas: “Boys in some parts of the country are feeling more supported, to be more expressive, and to be more vulnerable, and not to have to perform this emotional stoicism and toughness to such extremes,” Reigeluth says. “That is equating to stronger and deeper friendships.”
Of course, friendships can and should have boundaries. Men don’t need to say “I love you” or kiss each other on the cheek to express affection if they’re not cool with it. Their internalized bravado is allowed to exist.
Still, “The more that people – but especially men – start to realize that strength doesn’t have to be in conflict with vulnerability and emotional expression, we’ll see beautiful, nuanced images of strength and vulnerability.”