Sex with a narcissist may be good, but it’s about control, not love
Narcissists are disasters when it comes to pretty much every aspect of an intimate relationship. They lack empathy, seek conflict and need constant attention and validation, or all hell breaks loose.
So how does this personality style show itself in the bedroom? Well, according to experts, narcissists can in fact be passionate and skilled sexual partners, which makes relationships with them all the more confusing.
“Some people will say, ‘This relationship is a nightmare, but for the sex,’” says Ramani Durvasula, a psychologist and author of “It’s Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People,” out Feb. 20. “They’ll say, ‘Sex is great, but this person is horrible to me, and they’re callous and they’re cold and they’re dismissive and they’re un-empathic. But they’re really good in bed.’ ”
Don’t be fooled. Though sex with a narcissist can seem electric, this is usually because it’s serving the narcissist’s needs − not necessarily yours.
“Narcissistic people are very rewardsensitive: They like things that feel good, and they often don’t think about the consequences,” Durvasula says. “So sex is the ultimate narcissist ground game.”
Are narcissists better at sex?
It depends. Narcissists by and large need attention, validation and admiration, and sex is just another opportunity for them to chase these things, which also are collectively known as narcissistic supply.
Therefore, it’s common for narcissists to take pride in sexual performance, but that’s because it fills their egos, not because they care about their partners.
“Narcissists use sex as an opportunity for validation,” says Chelsey Cole, a psychotherapist and author of “If Only I’d Known: How to Outsmart Narcissists, Set Guilt-Free Boundaries, and Create Unshakeable Self-Worth.”
“They typically do this in one of two ways: by being great in bed and getting praised for that, or by being completely selfish in bed and making you work to please them.
“Either way, it’s all about the narcissist.”
In reality, narcissists don’t care about their partners’ needs, and, if their partner offers even the slightest constructive criticism, they’ll likely gaslight them in return.
Because narcissists lack empathy, they also tend to see sex as transactional, Durvasula says, and have fewer qualms about engaging in casual sex and one-night stands. They also will be more likely to manipulate new romantic partners into having sex sooner in the relationship than they may want to.
Why do narcissists withhold sex?
On the flip side, once someone is deep into a relationship with a narcissist, it’s common for them to withhold sex as a means of manipulating their partner into doing what they want.
Stephanie Sarkis, a psychotherapist and author of “Healing from Toxic Relationships: 10 Essential Steps to Recover from Gaslighting, Narcissism, and Emotional Abuse,” says narcissists use sex to punish their partners by withholding it and also by shaming their partners’ sexual performance.
“They use sex as a weapon, withholding it when you’re not doing what they want, rewarding you with it for doing what they want and generally using it to get what they want,” Cole adds.
“However, as the relationship progresses, it’s very common that sex becomes infrequent or nonexistent and is used more and more to reward or punish you.”
What is sex with a narcissist like?
Sex with a narcissist often feels very performative, Durvasula says, describing it as having “almost a porn-y vibe.” “It’s very, ‘Look at me’ sex,” she says.
Sex also adds to the hot-and-cold nature of the narcissistic relationship. Cole says it’s common for a narcissist’s passion and care toward their partner to dissipate as soon as the sex ends.
“They use you when they need something and put you back on the shelf when they’re done,” she says. “This is why they can be hot and heavy one minute and completely neglectful the next, because it’s not about intimacy, it’s about control.”
It’s also important to remember the health of a relationship should be evaluated by all its parts. Just because the sex is good, that doesn’t mean the relationship is.
“Sex messes up people’s minds. It creates a greater sense of intimacy where there may be none. It can be a power play. It can feel very transactional. It can be a way to shame people. It can be a way to control people,” Durvasula says.
“Because it’s such a complex, interpersonal space, you can imagine it becomes complex times 10 in a narcissistic relationship, because it pulls on exactly the things they’re not good at: empathy, intimacy, compassion, safety.”