Trump can’t pay his legal bond. Here’s how we can help
Say you’re the likely Republican presidential nominee and you have this darn half-billion-dollar fraud judgment against you and, despite touting yourself as an uber-successful bazillionaire, you can’t manage to scrounge up the money to post bond while you appeal.
We’ve all been there. And we should all sympathize with Donald Trump as he searches for loose change under the cushions of couches throughout his Mar-a-Lago resort and tries like heck to come up with enough cash to keep New York Attorney General Letitia James from seizing Trump Tower in Manhattan and renaming it “The Hum-A-FewBars-Of-That LOL! Building.”
Trump is not ‘come up with money for a bond’ rich
In case you forgot, Trump was found liable for fraud, and last month New York Judge Arthur Engoron entered a more than $450 million judgment against the former president and his sons, writing of their business practices: “The frauds found here leap off the page and shock the conscience.”
In order to protect assets while he appeals, Trump has to post a bond in the full amount of the judgment. On Monday, we learned that’s proving tricky for the man who loves to boast of his incredible wealth.
Trump’s lawyers told a New York appeals court that getting a bond of that size is “a practical impossibility.” Clearly, our very-rich-but-apparently-not-quite-as-rich-as-he-claimed friend Donald Trump needs help pulling together some cash. Fortunately for him, I have some suggestions.
A MAGA bake sale outside every rally
Anyone who’s ever been part of a church or high school theater group knows the quickest way to raises funds is a good old-fashioned bake sale.
I’m sure Trump and his family members know their way around a kitchen, so all they need to do is whip up a few thousand snickerdoodles, brownies and pound-cake slices before every campaign rally.
Have Donald Trump Jr. and Jared Kushner man the goodie table outside the event and watch the MAGA-bucks roll in.
One secret advantage of this fundraising approach? Russian oligarchs
love baked goods!
Rent Eric Trump out as a clown for Florida-area birthday parties
It’s all hands on deck when it comes to pulling together bond money for your pops, and what devoted son wouldn’t don clown makeup and oversize red shoes to help dear old dad?
Given Trump’s popularity in Florida, I’m sure Eric Trump could make a small fortune playing “Eric the MAGA Clown” at kids’ birthday parties and perhaps occasional adult events, assuming they pay extra for his services and discretion.
Put signs up all over town and hold a Mar-a-Lago yard sale
Like all incredibly wealthy businessmen who can’t afford to pay bond on their half-billion-dollar civil-fraud judgments, I’m sure Trump has a slew of possessions he has collected over the years that are just gathering dust.
So, Mr. Former President, how about a springtime purge?
Gather up the old chandeliers, classified documents and gold-plated knickknacks, the suits that no longer fit and the large collection of Russian nesting dolls that you have for no particular reason and host the first-ever Mar-a-Lago yard sale.
Former first lady Melania Trump could help out immeasurably with this event by selling the $51,500 Dolce & Gabbana jacket she wore to an international summit in 2017, or the roughly $50,000 crocodile Birkin bag from Hermès she carried as she left the White House for the final time.
She also has that jacket with the words “I Really Don’t Care. Do U?” on the back that she wore while visiting a migrant detention center in 2018. That has to be worth at least $5.
Allow Americans to pay your bond if you promise to go away
The final, and probably best, way for Trump to drum up a huge amount of cash in a hurry is accepting this humble proposal: Allow me and millions of other sane Americans to chip in and cover your nut, as long as you promise to go far, far away and never even say the word “politics” ever again.
I am confident that we could crowdsource the bond money in approximately one minute if Trump pledged to exit the presidential race and spare us the daily dread of seeing what new hideous and unconscionable thing he has said or done.
It’s either that or he gets the money from some anonymous donor with a name like “Not Elon Musk” or “Radameer Tootin.”
I’d much rather we foot the bill, TBH.