Let’s take it one game at a time

I’ve watched about 4,000 sporting events on TV. I’ve heard all the sportscasters, and most of them are from a handful of families: the Bucks, the Carays, and the Alberts. Mostly, I’ve heard clichés: those well-rehearsed lines that fill time without really telling us anything.

In the announcers’ defense, they have a lot of time to fill. In each baseball game, there’s about 15 minutes of action. The remaining three hours are filled with batters adjusting themselves, pitchers staring into the catcher’s mitt and lots of spitting.

Football isn’t much better. That three-hour contest allegedly contains 60 minutes of activity, but we know better. The clock is running while the players huddle up, and continues to tick until the play clock is down to one second, when they finally snap the ball.

Now it seems like every play is reviewed by the unseen officials at league headquarters. There’s nothing more thrilling than watching umps and refs stand around listening to their headsets, hands on hips. We must endure five minutes of watching the play from every angle, and 99 percent of the time, it’s obvious to us all that the ball was “in” or “out.”

I’m in my chair yelling, “Come on ref! I’m sitting here in Chattanooga, 500 miles from the game, and even I can see that ball was out of bounds!” Five minutes later, I’m usually right. This happens repeatedly, until sometime the next morning when the game finally ends.

With all that inactivity, it’s no wonder the announcers reach into their bag of worn-out sayings, and pull out gems like these.

“Boy, that Freddie Freeman came to play today!” (Yes, he did. He brought his bat, glove and uniform. Otherwise, he would have had to buy a ticket.)

“This is a must-win game for the Falcons. It’s do or die.” (I’ve followed the Falcons since the beginning. Trust me on this: they have lost a lot of mustwin games. Generally speaking they don’t “do,” and they haven’t yet died.)

“Gee, that Clayton Kershaw is a real athlete.” (I sure hope so. He’s a well-paid professional baseball player. Most of us non-athletes are at home eating Cheetos.)

“Well, it’s obvious why the Cardinals won. They just wanted it more.” (Nope, the Reds wanted it pretty badly too. The Cardinals just scored more runs today.)

“The Giants just need to take it one game at a time.” (Why should they do that? Can’t they go ahead and win next Tuesday’s game now?)

“That Smith is a physical football player.” (Somebody better warn the other 21 guys on the field. They could get hurt.)

“He just dropped that pass! You can’t do that at this level!” (Oh yes, you can if you’re human.)

“Wisler is winning this game because he’s not trying to do too much.” (If “not trying to do too much” is all there is to it, I should have been an all-star.)

“Utley plays this game the right way.” (So I guess all the other players break the rules?)

“My goodness, this guy is some kind of ballplayer.” (What kind is he? Good? Average? Awful? Don’t keep us in suspense.)

“The fans are really getting their money’s worth tonight.” (Does this mean they’re refusing to go the concession stand?)

“Well, now we’ve got us a football game.” (Thank goodness. Those helmets and pads will come in handy.)

“This team has got to start taking care of the football.” (Isn’t that what got Tom Brady suspended?)

“Johnson is slow getting up.” (Brent, you try getting up quickly after being buried under 1,200 pounds of defensive linemen.)

“This team just needs to go out there and have some fun.” (We did that in third grade, but no one paid $150 to come watch us play.)

“The Rams just don’t seem hungry enough.” (With all due respect, they look like they’ve been well fed.)

“With that touchdown, they’ve taken the crowd out of the game.” (So who are those people still sitting in the stands?)

“Well, you can’t blame him for forgetting to touch second base. It’s a rookie mistake.” (He’s 25 years old. Don’t kids learn to touch the bases when they’re five?)

“Jones really brought his A-game today!” (That was really nice of him to do that, since the fans had to pay Agame ticket prices.)

And my all-time favorite: “This team isn’t going to win unless they put some points on the board.” (Thanks, Verne. I had no idea. I thought they were being judged, like on “Dancing with the Stars.”)

That’s all for now. I hope to be back in this space next week, but I’m listed as “day to day.” Like everyone else in the world.

David Carroll is from Chattanooga, Tenn. You may contact him at 900 Whitehall Road, Chattanooga, Tenn. 37405 or 3dc@epbfi. com.