2016 Turkeys of the Year!
Recently I asked friends to help identify the folks who irritate and annoy us. You know the ones. They lean in too close to talk right after they’ve gulped down a jalapeno burger with extra onions. They park illegally in handicapped spaces, they leave shopping carts all over the parking lot and they sneeze without covering their mouth. They drive too slowly in the fast lane and they make a left turn long after the green arrow is off. Their time is more important than yours.
Since we’re talking turkeys this week, now seems like a good time to recognize them for their misdeeds. At the risk of sounding grumpy on Thanksgiving, I’m giving thanks for those of you who contributed to this list of terrible turkeys.
People who interrupt the cashier during your transaction to ask for directions to Iowa.
People who play their music way too loud, while riding around with their windows down. I don’t have one of those bass-thumping car stereos, but if I did, I’d drown’em out with some Barry Manilow.
People who “discipline” their misbehaving children by pointing to a police officer and say, “If you don’t act right, I’m going to give you to that cop. He’ll put you in jail.”
People who clog up a grocery aisle by chatting with their aunt Ethel, and catching up on the last 30 years or so.
People who loudly blow their nose in a restaurant, usually aimed in your direction.
People who use foul language in public, usually while on the phone. “He said WHAT to you? Well, I wouldn’t take that $#*% from nobody!” (Bonus points for those who do this on speaker, in front of kids, or in a bathroom stall)
People who rush to get on the elevator before you can get off.
People who show their underwear. It’s called “under” wear for a reason.
People who hold up the checkout line by saying, “Oh wait. I need to go the car and get my wallet.” They do know they came inside to buy something, right?
People who misuse the word “literally.” As in, “I could literally eat 50 pieces of pizza right now.” Hold ‘em to it.
People who say, “No offense, but…” when they know full well they’re about to offend you. As in, “No offense Junior, but I think you outgrew them overalls when you was 12.”
People who argue with a store employee over something that is clearly out of their control. “What do you mean that coupon expired in 2009? Procter and Gamble don’t care!”
People who think the time trials for pole position at the Daytona 500 are held in the Walmart parking lot.
People who have just walked up to the rear of a long checkout line, and then jump ahead of everyone else when a cashier announces, “I can take care of the next customer.”
Dog owners who think it’s cute when their precious hound leaps up to sniff your crotch.
Clerks who loudly comment on each of your purchases. “Oh, I remember when I had hemorrhoids. Have they ever figured out what causes that?”
People you approach who are blabbing away, looking right at you. When you respond, you realize they’re talking into their Bluetooth device. Even scarier, sometimes they’re not.
Grown-ups at youth sporting events who act more childish than the 6-year-olds who are in the game.
People who forget to use their headlights in fog, rain and darkness.
People who feel it’s their right to touch a pregnant woman’s stomach and then say, “Girl, you’re about to pop! Got twins in there?”
People who ask, “When are you due?” when you’re not pregnant.
People who wear their pajamas to the store. Unless it’s a mattress store. That, I understand.
People who have a crack problem. One solution: wear longer shirts.
People who floss, pick their teeth or clip their nails in public.
People who burp (or make other obnoxious bodily noises) in public. It’s one thing if you can’t help it. But some people smile afterward like they’ve just won a trophy.
People who want to strike up a conversation in a public restroom. I’m in there for one reason only, and it’s not to debate who will win the Alabama-Auburn game.
People who over-share on Facebook. Sure, we love to see pics of your cute baby, your kitten, or your puppy. We don’t want to see your ingrown toenail, your fever blister, or your surgery scar. Or that ducklips selfie you took at the bathroom mirror.
People who look at your plate and say, “You’re not really going to eat that stuff, are you?”
Happy Thanksgiving, and please: Don’t be a turkey!