Feeling Unprioritized
Dear Annie: I’ve been seeing this man for eight years. It seemed to be going great in the beginning and then started slowing down. We still go out to concerts, dinner and shopping. But lately, within the last three weeks to a month, I’d say, I found out that he messaged one of my friends. When I questioned him about it, he said he was trying to start getting stuff together for a surprise birthday party for me.
I explained to him she was not the one to go to for information about friends or family, and he said OK, apologized to me, and supposedly apologized to her for writing to her. He had said he didn’t have Facebook, but then I found out he has two pages and that’s how he contacted her through Messenger. I discovered from her that he’s been writing to her nonstop, constantly saying how much he likes her, that he wants to take her out for lunch or dinner, and that out of all the millions of people in our state, he’s infatuated with somebody in her state, aka her, because she’s in a totally different place.
I tried to confront him, but it seems like he fell asleep or ignored my message because he said yes, we can meet and talk, but I haven’t heard from him since. I printed the evidence, the little bit that my friend sent me, and I wrote him a letter about how I feel. My question is, do you think I would ever be able to trust him again? And should I give him another chance if he apologizes, says he will never write to her again and I see for myself that he’s written to her, apologizing for messaging her all that? -Skeptical
Dear Skeptical: No, you can’t trust him again. This man lacks personal integrity and respect for you. As if having feelings for and pursuing another woman isn’t bad enough, he is also lying to you about it.
An Irish proverb says, “When mistrust comes in, love goes out.” If your relationship doesn’t have a foundation of trust, especially after eight years, you have nothing more to build upon. Your beau has shown you his true colors, and you should take them at face value.
Dear Annie: What do you do when a woman claims to love and miss you, but you never seem to get together? She has a very busy schedule but doesn’t seem to ever have time for me. I have explained to her exactly how I feel about it, but I feel as though my sentiments are falling on deaf ears. It seems like the only option I have is to let the relationship go. What do you think? -- Cut From the Calendar
Dear Cut From: If this is a newer relationship, perhaps it’s just a matter of you and your love interest finding your groove. Between work, family, friends and other responsibilities, it can take time for two people to figure out how to blend their lives together.
Look at your schedule and propose a few firm dates to meet up with this woman. Would morning coffee or lunch closer to her job work better than dinner on the town?
If your efforts still go unreciprocated after trying to put concrete plans on the books, then maybe you’re right and this isn’t the relationship for you. We all make time for the things that matter to us, and if she wants to do so, she will. No one deserves to be at the bottom of someone else’s priority list.
“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology -- featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation -- is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.