Washington County Enterprise-Leader
Helping Kids Cope With Loss Of A Parent
FARMINGTON — The death of a parent disrupts a family, but doesn’t have to mean the end of a happy childhood.
In an interview with the Washington County Enterprise-Leader (WCEL), Folsom Elementary counselor Karla Long was asked to respond to the needs of four scenarios, regarding children at various ages, none of which involve Farmington students.
Long was recognized this year for her work addressing grief issues with students.
Orphaned At 2
WCEL: A 2-year-old girl loses both parents in an automobile accident. For months afterwards, every time a car pulls up to the home of her grandparents who are now raising her, she looks to see who it is. She is looking for her parents, but they never return to pick her up. When the child becomes school age is it important to identify this traumatic experience?
Karla Long: “Absolutely, when a child that young experiences a loss they don’t understand the permanency of the experience. They don’t understand that death is forever, so they keep looking for that person.”
WCEL: How can that affect her schooling?
Long: “By the time they reach second or third grade issues start to develop. It’s very common for them not to have any issues until they reach second or third grade.”
Dad’s In Jail
WCEL: A 5-year-old boy loses his dad in a drunken-driving accident just before Christmas. His parents are separated and the child is in the care of his paternal grandparents when the tragedy occurs. He is the only happy person in the house, not comprehending what has happened. As his dad’s best friend plays with him, his grandfather whispers, “He thinks his dad is in jail.” How do you help a child cope with the reality of permanent separation from a deceased parent.
Long: “In that case it helps to realize there’s a fine line between laughter and tears. This family has a lot of things going on. Everybody reacts differently to loss. Some get angry, some become sad and some go immediately into denial.”
“Little kids enjoy the attention that they get. It’s not unusual for them to think this is a party because of all the attention that they get, all the food that is brought to them, and all the attention.”
Long emphasizes that caregivers tell children all of their feelings are OK.
Maintaining Grades
WCEL: The aunt of a 9-year-old girl, who was extremely close to the child’s father, dies young in mid-school year (February) after battling a disease. As the family grieves the child is unintentionally neglected and her school work suffers. She goes from mostly B’s on her first quarter report card to failing three subjects in the third quarter. During a parent/teacher meeting it is discovered this is not due to incompetencies, but failure to complete or hand in five assignments. Do you have an intentional strategy to help students maintain interest in doing school work when they suffer the loss of a parent or family member?
Long: “The school needs to work with caregivers maybe to reduce the amount of work. While one student may do a page, the student, who lost the aunt maybe just does the odds or the evens. So you know they know how to do the work, but they’re not overwhelmed with that.”
A second means of generating a positive impact, according to Long, is to involve a person not from the immediate household, who can work with the child on doing school work.
“Find someone, who is not in grief; someone, who is a little bit more removed from the grief, other than the brother (of the aunt who passed), who is overwhelmed himself.”
School Support
WCEL: A 17-year-old high school honors student, who is a junior starter on the varsity boys basketball team faces the death of his father early Valentine’s morning, exactly three months after his dad was diagnosed with a rare disease and given three months to live. The boy was raised in a single-parent household by his father where education is a priority and he is fairly self-disciplined. Describe an ideal support structure that school counselors, teachers, coaches and staff can provide a young person in this situation.
Long: “All of those people that you mentioned should be included. It’s got to be a team effort, it can’t just be one person. You need a whole team to come in and offer support. In the three months before the father’s death build those relationships. The school could work with the father before he dies to create that support structure. Be proactive before death setting up those support systems.”