“Help me get along with my adult children”

Whether you want them to just call you back or are longing to repair a rift, our experts share simple ways to cultivate stronger ties with our grown-up kids

Grow closer Pick up pom-poms

When it comes to supporting adult children, consider taking on the role of fan rather than advisor, says psychotherapist Tina Gilbertson. “Trust that you’ve instilled the values you’d like them to aspire to—somewhere inside them is all you’ve taught them.” In other words, instead of stepping behind the parental pulpit to guide them, have faith that you did a great job and simply cheer them on.

Do more for you “Whatever parents do to improve themselves tends to improve the relationship with their adult children,” says Gilbertson. “If you have abandonment wounds from childhood, for example, you may feel rejected if your kids want space.” Be kind to yourself and validate your emotions, because when you grow happier, your relationship with your kids will also f lourish.

Connect with humor

Wish your kids would call more often? Rather than explicitly asking them to give you a ring—which often has the opposite effect—simply tap two of your God-given gifts: your humor and your thumbs. “Text a funny cartoon or family anecdote,” encourages expert Jane Isay. “Texting is a great way to reach out without pressuring them.” Another way to bond with your adult children is through your grandkids. “I play Wordle with them and ask them about their hobbies; I’ll tell my sons, ‘Did you know they’re interested in X now?’ It helps keeps the narrative with my kids going.”

Set limits

Create money boundaries

“It’s more common than ever for younger generations to have money requests,” says psychologist Joshua Coleman, PH.D. But if you’re sacrificing your own future, consider creating f inancial boundaries. “You might say, ‘We need to save more for retirement, so you don’t have to help us f inancially down the line.’” Phrasing it in terms of how your limits benefit them paves the way for a healthier dynamic.

Protect your time

Over the last 40 years, families have become closer, thanks in part to technology making it easier to stay in touch and parents having fewer children, notes Coleman. But this also may mean your adult kids expect you to drop everything to be there for their family. “You might say, ‘I can see why you’re disappointed that I can’t watch them, but I have to be judicious with my energy, and I need X amount of notice next time.’” You can implement loving limits.

Bridge the distance

Of course, we don’t always want to put up boundaries— sometimes we yearn to take them down. If you’d like to reach out to an estranged child, consider writing a letter. “It’s a very powerful tool, because letters are hard to write and signal how much thought you’ve put into this,” says Coleman. “You might write that you’re ready to listen with an open heart and mind, even if you still disagree about certain issues. It’s important to meet them where they are.” Indeed, meeting them halfway is often the start of a fulfilling new journey together.