“Help me comfort a loved one”
Whether they’re reeling from a loss or struggling with an emotional crisis, we have the heartfelt ways to be there for the people you love
If they’re grieving Open your heart
“Let go of the idea that you’re going to be able to f ix this hurt for them,” says expert Catherine Hodge. “When we acknowledge their pain instead of trying to make it better, they feel supported.” Let grieving loved ones talk without interjecting your own story of loss. “It doesn’t help when we talk about what we’ve experienced because it shifts the attention away from them.” Instead, simply let yourself listen.
Offer a ‘menu’
Though well-intentioned, platitudes like, “He’s in a better place,” or “Time heals all wounds,” can feel invalidating, says Hodge. Consider offering practical help by giving them a menu of options: “‘I’m picking my son up at the same school your daughter attends; would it be helpful if I picked up both of them?’ Or ‘I made extra lasagna; would it be helpful if I brought some over?’ ” In the moment, people who are grieving often don’t know what they need, which is why giving them a few choices makes such a difference.
If they’re sick Keep on showing up
“The greatest gift you can give a loved one who’s ill is the gift of your presence,” says grief counselor Alan D. Wolfelt, PH.D. “If you live nearby, visit them—not just once but throughout the course of their illness. Queue up a movie and bring popcorn or playing cards. Just being there says, ‘I’m willing to walk this difficult road with you and face whatever comes.’ ”
Learn about their illness
People can cope with what they know, but they can’t cope with what they don’t know, says Wolfelt. “You’ll be better equipped to help them if you take it upon yourself to learn about their illness,” he advises. “If you educate yourself, you will be a more understanding listener when your friend or loved one wants to talk.”
If they’re struggling Do one loving thing
What do people who are going through a tough time, like a divorce, say they want from friends and loved ones? “The most common answer I hear is that they just want us to keep inviting them into our lives, says friendship expert Amy Weatherly. “They need to know they’re still seen and wanted.” She encourages simply asking them, “What would feel like the most loving thing I can do for you right now?”
Connect effortlessly
When we’re struggling, we often retreat into ourselves, notes Weatherly, revealing that a friend of hers is prone to depression. “She doesn’t always answer email because it can feel overwhelming, so I’ll text her, ‘Hey, I just want you to know I love you and you don’t need to respond to this.’ I always say friendships need to be reciprocal: Everyone at the ‘table’ needs to eat, so to speak. But there are certain seasons in life when you need to feed them.”