Pen-pricks

• The Toronto Film Festival premiered a movie about Chappaquiddick when Ted Kennedy ran his car off a bridge and killed Mary Jo Kopechne. In true Hollywood fashion, the film doesn’t blame the tragedy on Teddy’s drinking. They blame it on ice on the bridge caused by climate change.

• British Prime Minister Theresa May in her UN speech called for an expansion of free trade and for aid to famine-struck and war-torn countries. It’s a living hell. The only upside of living in a famine-struck, wartorn country is that you can step on a land mine and not weigh enough to set it off.

• The New York Post reports federal prosecutors are asking for 27 months in federal prison for disgraced former Congressman Anthony Weiner. Democrats have disowned him. Bill Clinton and Jack Kennedy took their sexual conduct seriously, but Anthony Weiner just phoned it in.

• The American Medical Association released a study on abuse of opioids such as Oxycodone, Hydrocodone,

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and a speaker. His email address is argus@argushamilton.com. street heroin and fentanyl. The bad news is that opioid use will shorten your lifespan by two-and-a-half months. The good news is, the last 10 weeks of your life are completely pain-free.

• Virginia Governor Terry McAuliffe is reportedly weighing a presidential run if he can survive his past ties to Clinton fundraising. I might run for president in three years just to read about all the sex scandals, and drug and alcohol abuse in my past. It’d be fun to piece together my 20s.