Spousal cheat­ing: Why men cheat

Chronicle (Zimbabwe) - - Feature/opinion - Gen­der Tsun­gai Chek­erwa-Ma­chokoto

THERE is a lot of tur­moil that re­sults from spouses cheat­ing. Not only spouses, but it is also ex­pe­ri­enced by peo­ple in re­la­tion­ships from very early in their teens un­til late into their adult lives. But why is it this way? Why do men cheat? Why do women cheat? There are some in­ter­est­ing things that I thought I should high­light to my read­ers and you are free to con­tinue to email me with your feed­back or ques­tions.

This week we will talk about why men cheat and then on the next col­umn we will dis­cuss why women cheat.

I had a chat about this with my male work­mate, Cos­mas. He told me some very in­ter­est­ing things about rea­sons why men cheat.

Firstly he said back­ground plays a huge part in cheat­ing. If a man grows up wit­ness­ing cheat­ing, it can re­sult in two ways.

He will ei­ther grow up to cheat on his own wife be­cause he is so fa­mil­iar with it, or he re­sents what he wit­nessed his mother go­ing through that he vows never to cheat on his own wife.

We should be care­ful what we ex­pose our chil­dren to, lest they be­come the root of fu­ture prob­lems.

So­ci­ety has moulded us to think that cheat­ing is nor­mal for men. Ap­par­ently it is a manly thing to cheat be­cause ‘it’s their na­ture’.

We hear things like ‘ men are dogs’ but is that really true? I have per­son­ally al­ways dis­agreed with the no­tion that says that men cheat be­cause it’s their sec­ond na­ture.

There are other fac­tors at play and they are not nat­u­ral. I think deep down we all know that it’s not true be­cause if it was, women wouldn’t be so hurt by it when it hap­pens.

These sen­ti­ments come from a frus­trated point of view. It’s a help­less con­clu­sion. I hope the is­sues around cheat­ing will be clearer af­ter this ar­ti­cle.

A re­search done by a cer­tain Dr Neu­man said that 48 per­cent of men rated emo­tional dis­sat­is­fac­tion as the pri­mary rea­son they cheated.

So much for the myth that for men, cheat­ing is all about sex: Only eight per­cent of men said that sex­ual dis­sat­is­fac­tion was the main fac­tor in their in­fi­delity.

“Our cul­ture tells us that all men need to en­joy sex,” Dr Neu­man says. “But men are also emo­tion­ally driven be­ings too. They want their wives to show them that they’’re ap­pre­ci­ated, and they want women to un­der­stand how hard they are work­ing”.

The prob­lem is that men are less likely than women to ex­press these feel­ings, so you won’’t al­ways know when your man is in need of a lit­tle af­fir­ma­tion.

“Most men con­sider it un­manly to ask for a pat on the back, which is why their emo­tional needs are of­ten over­looked,” Dr Neu­man says.

“But you can cre­ate a mar­i­tal cul­ture of ap­pre­ci­a­tion and thought­ful­ness—and once you set the tone, he’’s likely to match it.”

The glo­ri­fi­ca­tion of a cheat­ing man and the pet names they call them like ‘player’ is an­other rea­son men cheat.

Play­ers get the best women be­cause of their charm, ex­pe­ri­ence and skills. Ap­par­ently, it is al­leged that women like play­ers.

I do not agree but it’s a rea­son­ably gen­eral state­ment. If women liked play­ers they would not be a lot of heartache when­ever they find out about their men’s af­fairs.

Peer pres­sure is an­other rea­son why men cheat. If most of his friends have girl­friends, he will al­most al­ways end up get­ting one for him­self.

Birds of a feather flock to­gether. Some­times men en­gage in emo­tional in­dul­gence with women. It can be at work, or at school, or church, wher­ever.

This is called emo­tional cheat­ing and it is ar­guably worse than phys­i­cal cheat­ing and such re­la­tion­ships can eas­ily es­ca­late to mar­riage.

Once a man can­not do with­out that ‘friend’, he is in a danger­ous zone. So women should be care­ful to not ne­glect their com­mu­ni­ca­tion with their hus­bands be­cause it could jeop­ar­dise your mar­riage.

One of the main rea­sons for cheat­ing is be­cause men will be un­happy in their mar­riages. Once they are un­happy, they go on to find some­one who can be their es­cape, their fun.

Once they have that per­son, they start be­ing scarce at home and it gets worse un­til they stop com­ing home.

The good side to all this is that these are things that can be changed by hu­man ac­tion. It is not rocket science. Un­hap­pi­ness can be fixed.

Cos­mas told me of some­thing that I have also seen hap­pen­ing a lot. The resur­fac­ing of the ex.

The thing is if a man keeps in touch with his ex as friends, they will even­tu­ally go back in the sack to­gether.

Ex’s are fun es­pe­cially if it was a good re­la­tion­ship. Cos­mas ad­mit­ted that men are weak and when an ex comes into the pic­ture, usu­ally at the time he needs an es­cape, he can sleep with her just to sat­isfy his ego and the fact that his ex still wants him. How­ever sad it is, it is real life.

An­other rea­son for cheat­ing is lack of ap­pre­ci­a­tion at home Cos­mas says. Again it is not just sex­ual ap­pre­ci­a­tion. It is proper ap­pre­ci­a­tion. Men love to be ap­pre­ci­ated and they will stay with the peo­ple that ap­pre­ci­ate them the most.

I know how we women re­sort to with­hold­ing our love and ap­pre­ci­a­tion to pun­ish them for show­ing signs of cheat­ing, but what it does is push them fur­ther away from us.

One night stands are ex­tremely com­mon be­cause of the thrill of it. Men ap­par­ently be­come bored in the bed­room af­ter years of mar­riage.

Have you no­ticed how men in their 50s want to date women in their 30s or even 20s?

It is be­cause women then let them­selves go and get com­fort­able in the fact that they are al­ready get­ting old to­gether that they can’t be left.

When they then meet a younger woman, who goes to the gym, who reads and knows what men want, a woman who is suf­fer­ing from poverty and des­per­a­tion, the mo­ment he meets one of those, you then be­come present his­tory.

The worst part is that men this age are al­ready es­tab­lished in their work­places, in busi­ness and in churches that they don’t di­vorce you.

They just live out­side your house or any­thing to do with you. You live not know­ing any­thing about the man whose name you carry. That is the worst kind of cheat­ing. Cheat­ing with no po­ten­tial for di­vorce.

Men want women that are not shy in bed. They want ac­tion in bed and dig­nity out­side the bed­room only.

With age, and chil­dren and weight, women then be­come less and less con­fi­dent of their beauty that they start to be­come em­bar­rassed to pa­rade their bod­ies.

Men then go and cheat be­cause they miss see­ing that from a woman.

It is lit­tle things that cause men to cheat and they are com­pletely change­able.

I think it is safe to con­clude that men are not cheaters by na­ture. It is fac­tors like peer pres­sure, lack of ap­pre­ci­a­tion, and emo­tional ne­glect that can push a man to cheat.

The friend­ships with ex’s is also an­other rea­son that causes cheat­ing. Women who be­come bor­ing and shy in bed also push a man to have an in­de­pen­dent life from them.

So women, this is for your in­for­ma­tion and you can sieve it and take what suits you and make sure that if your man was al­ready cheat­ing, you can get him back and if he wasn’t, make sure it stays that way.

Next week we talk about the com­mon rea­sons why women cheat.

Tsun­gai Chek­erwa-Ma­chokoto can be reached on tsungi­ma­chokoto@gmail.com

One of the main rea­sons for cheat­ing is be­cause men will be un­happy in their mar­riages. Once they are un­happy, they go on to find some­one who can be their es­cape, their fun. Once they have that per­son, they start be­ing scarce at home and it gets worse un­til they stop com­ing home.

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