Rea­sons why women cheat

Chronicle (Zimbabwe) - - Opinion/feature -

Last week I wrote about why men cheat and the re­sponses I got were in­ter­est­ing! Peo­ple kept re­peat­ing that they are wait­ing to read what rea­sons I will share about why women cheat. Be­ing a wo­man I will try to be as ob­jec­tive as pos­si­ble. So here it goes. From all the re­sponses I got, it was one from an Amer­i­can film pro­ducer, Mr Tim McS­pad­den, that stood out for me. He was cap­tured by my ar­ti­cle be­cause he did a movie about in­fi­delity called “Love a la Carte”. The film is an hon­est com­edy about cheat­ing and I ad­vise all of you to watch it. It was an hon­our to me when I watched this movie, see­ing how in­ter­twined our minds ac­tu­ally are on this topic of cheat­ing. I’m look­ing for­ward to Mr McS­pad­den pro­duc­ing an African ver­sion of his “Love a la Carte” tak­ing spe­cific con­sid­er­a­tion of the gen­der dy­nam­ics and the cul­tural in­flu­ences that are dom­i­nant in our lives. That cer­tainly would be some­thing, wouldn’t it?

Women tend to have an emo­tional con­nec­tion with their lover and are more likely to have an af­fair be­cause of lone­li­ness. Women be­come un­happy with the re­la­tion­ship they are in while men can be a lot hap­pier in their pri­mary re­la­tion­ship and also cheat. Women cheat emo­tion­ally first be­fore they go to bed with a man. A wo­man with a res­i­dent hus­band should never be lonely. It doesn’t mat­ter how busy you are as a man, make qual­ity time for your wife.

I re­mem­ber the day I met my hus­band. We made small talk about noth­ing and even though he looked so good, I had to get one thing straight. I had to let him know what I liked more than any­thing else — at­ten­tion. I loved at­ten­tion then and I still do now, 16 years later. A num­ber of women I spoke to con­firmed that they also crave for at­ten­tion to­day as much as they did back then when they first met their hus­bands. Lack of at­ten­tion is the most com­mon rea­son why women cheat.

Upon con­vers­ing with a cer­tain wo­man about why she cheated on her hus­band, she said that, “My lover was giv­ing me all the stuff my hus­band wasn’t — at­ten­tion and af­fec­tion.” I wish men re­alise that not giv­ing your wo­man at­ten­tion is the big­gest push fac­tor. You push your wife right into the arms of an­other man. When she’s lonely she wants you to no­tice and then talk about it. When she is sad she wants you to act, show con­cern even though you maybe busy.

Now here is the thing, if you don’t give your wife the at­ten­tion that you know well she needs, maybe be­cause you are busy work­ing, she will still look else­where for that at­ten­tion. When she no­tices signs that she might get the at­ten­tion from an­other man, she will be tempted be­cause at­ten­tion is a ba­sic need for women.

One of the many rea­sons for in­fi­delity is re­venge. It is in­ter­est­ing how men can con­vince them­selves at times that after they cheat, flow­ers, spend­ing time at home, fake at­ten­tion and hugs, will make a wo­man for­get. Women do not for­get. Yes from out­side they move on, but not in­side. They re­mem­ber all the men that they had turned down for your sake and then they show them that they are now avail­able. Women cheat just for re­venge. They will be try­ing to prove to them­selves that when their men cheated it was not be­cause there was some­thing wrong with them. Cheat­ing is a vi­cious, heart-break­ing cy­cle.

Pure bore­dom is an­other rea­son why women cheat. When noth­ing in­ter­est­ing is hap­pen­ing in their mar­riages they get bored. When­ever they meet a funny guy, for in­stance, they laugh a lit­tle louder and en­joy that per­son’s com­pany thor­oughly to an ex­tent that they lit­er­ally put them­selves on a plat­ter for him. This is why we have heard of women who hit on other mar­ried men. Hus­bands should re­mem­ber to con­tinue to date their wives even after mar­riage. That fun lov­ing wo­man who in­ter­ested you enough to marry re­mains alive and no amount of ne­glect can kill the per­son in­side of her.

In some cul­tures in Zim­babwe, if you spend a lot of time with your wife you are con­sid­ered a weak man who is con­trolled by the wo­man. For the sake of their egos men then choose to ap­pear right in the eyes of so­ci­ety and friends at the ex­pense of their mar­riages/ wives. Other men take ad­van­tage of that and warm their way into your mat­ri­mo­nial bed. There are guys out there who will not miss an op­por­tu­nity to sleep with your wife. They will tell you how crazy your hus­band is for fail­ing to spend time with you. It is ob­vi­ous women have a weak­ness for af­fec­tion and such de­vel­op­ments al­ways end very badly. For­tu­nately, men can avoid such sce­nar­ios if they are up to it.

The thrill of sex­ual nov­elty or qual­ity is a ma­jor rea­son why women cheat. When sex be­comes a duty for your wife, you must worry. How do you know that it has be­come a duty? Well, you do noth­ing ex­cit­ing with her, like no movies, no din­ners, noth­ing. You don’t look at her, you rarely com­pli­ment her, you don’t have con­ver­sa­tions, you have noth­ing to talk about ex­cept the kids but she still sleeps with you when­ever you de­mand and she fakes sat­is­fac­tion just to get it over and done with. If any of the above is true for you, then cor­rect it now.

A cer­tain wo­man whose name I promised not to di­vulge men­tioned how she re­grets hav­ing cheated on her hus­band. She says dur­ing the time when her hus­band was away with work, she be­gan be­ing emo­tion­ally at­tached to a cer­tain man she met at the su­per­mar­ket. She says he looked at her like she was de­sir­able, a look that she hadn’t seen in her hus­band in years. She said the in­ti­macy be­gan slowly as she had never cheated be­fore. The wo­man says he took time to look at her and to kiss her and he wouldn’t just climb on top of her. This man was also mar­ried and I was telling her that I doubt he was do­ing the same with his wife. Nev­er­the­less, she ended up fall­ing in love with him, had his child, she felt bad. To this day, the hus­band has no idea that he drove his wife into an­other man’s bed. He has no clue he is tak­ing care of an­other man’s child be­cause of his fail­ure to pay at­ten­tion to his wife’s sex­u­al­ity and tak­ing her for granted. In mar­riage, the fore­play should be more in­tense and the sex should be top notch. How­ever, men end up climb­ing on and off their wives and re­serv­ing their sex­ual best for their mistresses. It’s a sad sit­u­a­tion.

It is in­ter­est­ing to note that (cheat­ing) mo­ti­va­tions dif­fer by gen­der, with men search­ing for more sex or at­ten­tion and women look­ing to fill an emo­tional void. Most women I spoke to said: “I was lonely, not con­nected, I didn’t feel close to my hus­band, and I was taken for granted.”

Some women said they wanted to have some­one who would look into their eyes and make them feel sexy again. Most of the rea­sons for women cheat­ing have to do with emo­tional ne­glect. Once that is taken care of, I can al­most guar­an­tee that a wo­man will not cheat on her hus­band.

A cul­ture spe­cific rea­son pop­u­lar in this coun­try is that women are faced with such poverty that they will sell their bod­ies to the high­est bid­der. “If my hus­band doesn’t take care of my sa­lon bills what does he ex­pect from me? I also need to look nice,” said a lady I asked.

Yes, finances are tight in the coun­try at the mo­ment but a wo­man re­mains with needs that a hus­band is ob­li­gated to take care of. If those needs are not met, there are preda­tors that are wait­ing to solve all your wife’s prob­lems but the price you pay is too much. We are talk­ing about HIV and Aids.

There are so many other rea­sons why women cheat on their hus­bands but the good thing is that all the prob­lems can be solved by hus­bands giv­ing their wives just a lit­tle more at­ten­tion. Women need love, at­ten­tion, sen­si­tiv­ity, com­pas­sion and es­pe­cially pas­sion. When these are dealt with, women would not cheat. Women are so easy to im­press. A lit­tle love goes a long way. The power of a hus­band to “cheat-proof ” his mar­riage lies in him. The power to keep a hus­band is also in the wife’s hands. Both women and men need to be care­ful if their re­la­tion­ships are to thrive. They should both work to­wards cul­ti­vat­ing their mar­riages be­cause it is a good mar­riage that gives birth to a good home and good chil­dren that in­flu­ence the so­ci­ety pos­i­tively. It’s so worth it.

Tsun­gai Chek­erwa-Ma­chokoto is a mother, wife and gen­der con­sul­tant. She is a fi­nal year law stu­dent with UNISA. For feed­back you may con­tact her on blog: tsungi­ma­chokoto.tum­ and email:tsungi­ma­

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