Stood up on a lobola payment date

THERE is nothing worse than being walked out on by someone you love, someone who promises you the world and someone you thought you would build a future with. Through the emails I receive I have discovered that there are people out there with heartbreaking issues and I have since realised that the pain comes in different ways and it makes it even harder to understand the pain because all one can do is imagine it.

Heartbreaks can be so draining and the pain makes it hard to even breathe let alone try to live a normal life. The image of heartbreak describing the devastating emotional pain of a broken relationship sometimes looks familiar to those that have experienced it as it is expressed in the same way in almost every language understood by those that have been there.

In most cases when one is heartbroken they feel pain of betrayal and separation deeply at the core of their soul. It is just hard to even begin and explain the feeling. Maybe it feels as if the heart really is breaking well yes, I guess I am right because of course, it is breaking.

We all understand that breakups are meant to be difficult and painful and an inspiration for endless songs and movies but no one deserves to go through one but sadly most people do. I have also learnt that heartbreak is a feeling you truly do not know until it happens to you.

There is a rulebook of things you are supposed to do after a breakup to help distract yourself, heal, and move on but these hardly help because people are different. Most of the pain of heartbreak lies in things that are left un-communicated, things like deep hatred, or gratitude despite pain.

The conditions of the breakup make it impossible to communicate these effectively and be deeply heard. Sometimes they can never be spoken, and remain stuck in the rejected lover’s throat forever. Often this is the source of that feeling of continuing love, where “I love you” might mean no more than I still have something I must say.

This week our column is on a man who never showed up to honour a lobola date he had set for his woman.

I have to write this somewhere because I am so isolated right now and it is impossible to talk to my friends and family because we are all trying very hard to avoid bringing up the topic. We all wish we had answers but we will never know because it will never make sense to any of us.

I am going through a lot of pain as I write this, I do not even know where to begin to tell my story and I feel very alone and unable to function and cope. My run away ex wooed me. He courted me and won me over, I was so confident that our relationship would lead to marriage that I agreed to lobola. I thought we were on track to a marriage, a happily ever after, and I figured it was about to happen. After all, he had been chasing me since the moment we met! He was the one talking about forever. He was the one who kept saying I was “the one.” Our dating years were amazing and we went everywhere together and told each other every secret we had, even if it was scary.

He quickly became so close to my family that he was basically one of us. He did not have to knock to come in, that is how close we had become. This is the only guy that I ever thought I was going to allow inside my life, the only guy who would be allowed near my body and allowed to be a lover to me. This is the only guy I felt more comfortable with than my own family. The only guy I shared all my secrets and fears with. Not only do I miss him but my family misses him too which makes it even hard for me to heal because he did not only break one heart but he broke many hearts.

He proposed and kept pushing for us to make “things” official until I agreed for him to set dates. He set the dates following procedure and did everything right until the last minute. Everyone was excited at home and we had fully prepared for the big day and we were waiting for him and his family to arrive, but we have had to wait till this day. We waited for too long and his phone went unanswered and his family could not tell us what was happening because they too did not know. I was confident that something had happened and he would soon arrive because in my heart of hearts I thought I was his world.

I remember looking at the time and it was dark outside and my aunt instructed us to dish up as she went out to look for my “soon-to-be husband”.

I wanted to run; I wanted to hide from all the pain and confusion he caused inside. I wanted to scream, I wanted to cry. I was confused and I still am. I do not understand why he changed his mind without warning me. He should have at least said something before embarrassing me in front of my entire family. I am of the mind that men know within six months if you are the woman they would want to marry, really within three.

They may not be ready to take the step yet, but his mind is already headed in that direction without you having to ask. So with this in mind I thought this is what he wanted more than anything because I do not understand how you promise someone something so big and then leave with no explanation.

We were so happy together up until the day he never showed up for lobola. Things had been so blissful that I would often cry tears of joy and gratitude because I felt such a bond, felt so loved so appreciated, felt like family and engagement seemed like it was on the horizon.

I feel used, at my age I know I should not feel like that but sadly I do. I feel a lot of things that I cannot even begin to explain, I just do not understand how we moved from being in love to a no-show. I do not hate him I never will, but I wished he was more honest because it hurts more to be clueless about what really happened and why someone who loved you could be so cruel. I am really very depressed. Sometimes I feel like death could be the solution but then I can not get myself to commit suicide.

I loved this guy since school and his parents gave me hope for our future together because they proposed to me before he even did and so I thought I had their blessing and I never ever thought I would have to sit and write all of this. This is not how I had planned my life.

Sometimes I cry so hard that my eyes feel as if they will pop out and I have realised that after being dumped, your ego goes on pause and you become a more shameless, more embarrassing version of yourself. For instance, I have accepted the fact that I am now someone who sobs at random times in public places. I want to move on, I really want to, but I just can not let go. I love him more than he will ever know. I want to start over, I want to feel free but this pain will never leave me.

He hurt me bad, the pain is deep. From all the promises he could not keep this one tops the list and still feels like a dream. I keep having dreams of him and me being happy together and when I wake up and realise all it was a dream, I break all over again. All I keep thinking about is what I can do to make him come back because I still want him back. I do not think it is possible to get over this and move on.

Getting through a breakup is as much a physical process as an emotional one. Remember that, and know that it will get easier. Keep going. You will get there someday and in the mean time continue to share your heartbreaking stories with us. Email heartsonfire909@gmail.com