To meddle or not to meddle
I HAVE a friend whose husband beats her up. Thoroughly and frequently! He has been beating her for years and “everyone” knows about it. Sometimes she says she cannot take it anymore, and leaves him; only to go back to him after some time. I have lost track of the number of times she came to my house crying, with a black eye and swellings all over her body. I dislike her husband immensely. I have absolutely no respect for him for the sole reason that he beats her up, I just cannot stand him.
I live in fear that he will kill her one day, or maim her. If that ever happens, to what extent will I be responsible for it? Am I in any position to prevent that from ever happening? What about her parents? Are they being irresponsible by allowing her to keep returning to that monster? If anything happens to her, at the hands of that coward, will they be able to live with themselves for not stopping it while they could?
This is the dilemma most of us face every day. We witness our children abusing their wives. We see our neighbours ill-treating their children. At work, sexual harassment of our colleagues happens right under our noses. We bump into our sisters’ husbands undoubtedly cheating. Our daughters’ husbands squander our children’s’ monies. We see all these things happening and we do not know what to do, because when we keep quiet, we are labelled enablers and when we intervene, we are called meddlers.
Our culture somehow respects the privacy of others. We have idioms like “impi yomdeni kayingenwa,” which simply advises us to stay out of other people’s family matters. I believe our forefathers had seen how whenever you interfere in the squabbles of people who love each other, they will make up at some point, leaving you with egg on the face, or worse still, combine forces and turn on you; forgetting that you were only trying to help. Because of this, we are afraid to involve ourselves in issues that do not concern us.
From a young age, our parents tell us to “mind your own business.” This is to say we must refrain from meddling in other people’s affairs. We are taught to avoid gossiping about others; interfering in things that do not concern us; asking personal questions; basically we are trained to not show interest in the private lives of others.
What has me disturbed is that, when we simply watch, as horrible things happen around us, are we truly minding our own business or are we just avoiding being in messy situations, out of selfishness and the attitude that “it’s not our problem.” When you see your brother in law using your sister, your own flesh and blood, as a punching bag, how is that not your business? If something happens to her, is it not a direct loss to you?
On 27 April 2017, the Chronicle ran a story about a Gweru man who fatally stabbed his ex-wife. Two issues in this story struck me. The blind grandmother of the deceased said she screamed for assistance, but none of the neighbours assisted, and before she knew it, her granddaughter was dead. Mkoba 17 is a highdensity suburb with houses so close to each other in some places, that you can hear your neighbour laughing in her bedroom. So why did people not rush to investigate why the granny was screaming? I think they were “minding their own business.”
The second issue that struck me was the confession by an eye witness that he had seen the pair fighting but had felt he could not interfere in a matter involving a married couple. That is tragic. There is someone who could have saved a life but actually “could” not, because our society frowns upon anyone who “meddles”, leaving us afraid to help, even when necessary.
To meddle is to interfere in or busy oneself unduly with something that is not one’s concern. Unduly in this definition, renders your interference unwarranted or not justified. This means that when you interfere so as to condemn, prevent, or stop violence, it is not meddling because your interference is justified. You are exercising your moral duty to protect the defenceless.
I believe you too, are guilty of child abuse, when you see your neighbour starving her child and turn a blind eye, all in the name of not wanting to meddle. Any ethical human being has the obligation to protect children, regardless of whose children they are. Social responsibility demands that we be sensitive to the needs of those around us. It is an ethical requirement of every human being. Social responsibility means that individuals (and companies) have a duty to act in the best interests of their environments and society as a whole. When we are socially responsible, we look out for each other, we respect the privacy of others, but not at the expense of their wellbeing.
People always give the excuse that whenever they interfere in people’s affairs by exposing cheating, condemning violence or reporting rape, they are left looking like the “bad” ones when these couples reconcile; when battered wives and rape victims drop charges against their assailants.
Most people feel because of this they would rather stay out of others’ issues. I believe though, your role is to give the “victim” the information or assistance they need. What they go on to do after that is entirely up to them. Your aim should not be to break people up, but to empower victims with knowledge or protection from violence. Once you have done that, you have played your part, your conscience should be clear.
Imagine how you would feel if your sister were to be infected with HIV yet you knew from the beginning about her husband’s philandering but never told her because you didn’t want to “meddle” or to “look bad.” Telling her could have made her demand the use of protection in her marriage. Yes, telling her could have caused her to call you a jealous liar, but you would have played your part and cleared your conscience by empowering her with knowledge. What she does with that knowledge is entirely up to her.
How many more people must die before we learn to look out for each other? How many children should grow up with wounded souls because we look the other way? There is meddling, then there is crime prevention. When you turn a blind eye to abuse and domestic violence, you are an accomplice.