How much should

MY friend’s cousin used to preach to us that if our boyfriends couldn’t come up with at least 10 000 United States dollars to lobola us then we must forget about them. A man who loves you must be willing to pay any amount your parents charge, she would say. When my friend told her that her boyfriend could never come up with that much money, she was advised to immediately dump him and get a man “within her league.”

The day came for the cousin in question to be “lobolwad” herself, and I will never forget how she wailed in her room after hearing her parents wanted a “mere” $9 000 from her boyfriend. She was bitter that her parents wanted so much money from what she now called her “hardworking, poor boyfriend” who had managed to save only $5 000 to lobola her. My friend, who rarely minces her words, asked her why she was crying yet her parents were demanding an amount less than the $10 000 she had always expected other men to have. “This is different, she said. Remember even after this, we have a life to live!”

How many of you have charged shockingly deterrent amounts when your relatives’ children are getting married, only to cry foul when your own children are charged the same amounts? How many of you men have demanded 20 cows from your sisters’ suitors; only to start calling your own potential in-laws greedy when they demand a “humble” 10 cows from you.

We seem to have no idea why lobola is charged or how much should be charged; thus when the money is coming to us, we want a lot of it but when it is coming from us, we want it to be as little as possible. Many people have criminalised the lobola custom by treating it as some form of get rich quick scheme.

Recently someone posted this on a facebook group: “Is lobola still relevant in our society or has it become a money-making business that ensures that as women, we continue to be treated as property?”

I was alarmed that there are people who are so fed up that they are starting to think this beautiful custom of ours should be abolished. Our culture is beautiful.

Every custom is open to manipulation by criminal elements among us but we should never consider totally letting go of something that defines us because of rogue elements. I felt compelled to defend this custom and because I didn’t know enough about it, I immediately texted my father for back up and this is what we came up with: Lobola