Dealing with sexual appetite in long term relationships

MY girlfriend lied to me about her sexual past. I just found out she has slept with many men. And she is also very selfish and demands constant attention, but it is not reciprocated. Any hint of unhappiness on my part is taken as criticism. Reply There are many reasons why you might have chosen to spend so much time with a woman who seems to make you unhappy, and it is worth seeking the answer: perhaps you have a deep sense of unworthiness, a belief that you do not deserve better, or simply do not know how to get your needs met. However, you raised some grievances that particularly require explanation. Due to the double standards that still exist, it is rare, especially for a woman, to be perfectly frank about her past liaisons. Regarding your point about communication — it is possible you are indeed presenting your issues in a critical manner. Try to have a non-blaming conversation in which you help her to understand your pain, and then listen to her feelings. And in the same accepting style, help her to feel safe in explaining her past; then you can make an informed decision about your future.

I am 24 and have been with my boyfriend for three years. Early in our relationship he told me he had impotence problems. Although we had a sex life of sorts, I persuaded him to see his doctor, who told him it was a psychological problem and prescribed Viagra. I have been supportive but I am disappointed that my boyfriend is ignoring the problem. I do not want to lose the man that I am very much in love with, but I am not willing to have a sexless life.

Erectile dysfunction is often a couples’ problem, and a pill does not always do the trick. Many men do not even use their Viagra prescriptions; their psychological reaction to such difficulties is so entrenched that they really need sex therapy. Some find the experience so humiliating that they avoid putting themselves in a position where it may happen again. A pattern of avoidance has been set up here. Trust and communication are crucial, so insist your boyfriend joins you in solving this; then try counselling. In the meantime, do not pressure him for intercourse. Instead, do the things each of you like that do not require an erection. You can have a wonderfully erotic time having “outercourse”. If you can teach him how to bring you to orgasm without using his penis, you will help to allay your frustration and his anxiety about having erections. Once he is more confident, he will probably have erections again, and if not, sex therapy will be essential. The broader problem is that you seem to be working harder on the relationship than he is, so you are right to be concerned about your future with him.

How does one cope with varying sexual appetites in a long-term relationship? It’s a source of tension and resentment for us and I fear it could actually lead to the break-up of our relationship? Reply When partners have different levels of desire, it often causes the one who wants more sex to feel rejected and frustrated — and to start to believe that he or she is “oversexed”, a “sex maniac” or a “nympho”. The less desirous partner, on the other hand, may feel put upon, guilty, un-masculine/ unfeminine, and take on the perceived role of a cold and withholding sexual miser. None of these views is accurate. Desire is not fixed. A person’s level of desire fluctuates throughout his or her life. Female desire levels normally vary over the monthly cycle, while male levels undergo daily fluctuating cycles. Desire can plummet due to stress, depression or other psychological disorders, anger, relationship dysfunction, bereavement, illness, hormonal imbalance, past sexual abuse, feeling unsafe in a relationship, non-matching sexual interests, breastfeeding, childcare, poor body image and many other factors. What is most important in your situation is communication. You need to have a conversation in a loving, non-blaming manner, so you understand one another. If you can identify the causes of your imbalance, you can often make the necessary changes to alleviate it. You may need a therapist to unravel and work on the issues. For certain cases, treatments such as supplementary testosterone (the “desire hormone” for men and women) are available.

I am tired of having relationships that are based on sex. I want a fulfilling and loving relationship. Could having sex soon after meeting someone prevent something long-term developing, or should I risk being spontaneous with a very new partner? Reply Putting the words “risk” and “very new partner” in the same sentence raises the safety question. First, you must find a way to have that essential conversation about each other’s sexual history and be prepared to take precautions. It is also worth examining your motives before you quickly become intimate with a virtual stranger. People have sex for all kinds of nonerotic reasons, and I am going to make some guesses that might apply to you: maybe you want to get it over quickly, to assuage your anxiety about doing it for the first time after your last relationship? Or, deep down, you are still missing your previous love and want to try to fast-track into a similar situation? Perhaps you have been so hurt that you are trying to prove to yourself that you can get back in the saddle — and imagine that will be healing? I know you long for a deep connection again, but unless you are truly ready emotionally to handle spontaneous sex that is unattached to loving feelings I would suggest waiting a bit. Use your intuition; you will know when the timing is right. In general, becoming intimate early on is not necessarily going to sabotage the development of a longer relationship — unless it goes badly wrong. In your present state, that could happen.