Polygamy will always be a part of our society

I BELIEVE in monogamy. I will not have it any other way. To me, love is loyal, love is faithful, transparent and true. The idea of being with another man, while I am in love with another, is just distasteful to me. I believe in giving myself fully to someone, no holds barred. This position is not from a moral high ground but from my love affair with love and all things romantic.

I believe in love, I love being in love and I enjoy showering my significant other with affection. I cannot imagine splitting myself in two and giving love to more than one person at a time. Cheating must be tiresome; I do not have the energy to hide my phone, block certain numbers and play hide and seek.

This is not to say I am incapable of cheating, no! I am fully capable, if I had to do it, I would probably be good at it, I just do not want to and thus I choose not to. Because of this, I will not knowingly give my love to someone who will not choose to love only me, like I have chosen to love only him.

That said, I also believe in polygamy. Polygamy, in its original context, done as our culture intended, and prescribed, is beautiful. The generators of polygamy are usually solutions to problems that have arisen in a family.

Polygamy can be through inheritance of a wife, or a husband after the spouse of the inherited dies. A widow in our culture is asked after a year of mourning, to choose another husband from among the brothers of the deceased. She can choose to remain in the family, but without a husband by nominating the deceased’s sister or her own son as her new “spouse”. She can also opt to leave and return to her family where she can live alone or remarry someone from another family.

Our culture is beautiful. Widows are given a year in which they can choose which brother they want and the brothers spend that year competing against each other for the affection of their brother’s widow. There is absolutely no room for imposition on both the widow and any chosen brother as the chosen one is allowed to decline if he does not want to inherit the widow.

When one loses a wife, he has the option of remarrying one of the sisters of the deceased. This also, is done after a year of mourning. I have heard of cases where there is a scramble among sisters to be the one chosen to replace the dead sister. This is usually in the case of handsome and/or rich widowers.

If the widower was a good husband to the late sister, the family of the deceased is quick to offer another child to that man before he is snatched away by outsiders. Again, in its original context, this was done with the consent of all parties involved.

Polygamy can also happen when a woman fails to conceive and she and her husband decide for him to marry another spouse who can bear children for them. This is also done in agreement by all parties concerned. It is a transparent process which if done right, can result in a united and happy polygamous unit.

Some people are just polygamous by nature or culturally and they go on to marry more than one woman, simply because they desire to. When done openly, with the first wife knowing she is marrying someone with a polygamous mindset, and the next wives knowing there is a senior wife, this should work.

I will repeat what I have come to accept, human sexuality is unstable and thus polygamy will always be a part of our society. We have many ‘‘good girls’’ who find themselves madly in love with married men and after swearing on their mother’s graves that they would never date a married man, find themselves as co-wives. It is also not unheard of for a respectable family man to fall head over heels in love with another woman to the point of feeling they cannot live without them.

One of my good friends had two wives at some point in his life and he says it was the worst period of his life. He says they were competitive and he felt he had become a slave to the two of them. He learnt the hard way that appealing as it may be to have multiple women, the reality was unbearable. He eventually made the unpopular decision of letting the second wife go.

I agree that it is unlikely that one person will satisfy you completely and thus some people will try and get different pieces from different people. Men believe that a second woman or third woman will give them more satisfaction, forgetting that the other woman will bring her bigger buttocks as well as a sack of responsibilities and problems. In the heat of the moment, men rush to marry another woman and cry foul when they have to meet her financial needs and those of the resultant children.

Polygamy is not a crime. It is the way it is done, that can be criminal; for example when people trick their partners into polygamy by lying about their marital status or imposing another woman on their first wives; when parents force a child to marry her sister’s husband so that they continue benefiting from a rich son-in-law; or when the brother of a deceased forces himself into the life of the widowed woman, all these are criminal and cannot be used as a measure or standard for polygamy.

Culture evolves over time and the culture of polygamy seems to have very little chance of survival in modern settings. One of the drivers of polygamy was the fact that men were the owners of wealth and wealthy men could afford to take care of many women and children economically. In this day and age when women are capable of earning and funding their own lifestyles, there isn’t much desire to share a man.

Women used to get married to their dead husbands’ brothers for ‘‘intimacy reasons’’ but in the modern world there is no longer need to get married to satisfy that need.

With urbanisation, social media and globalisation, the pool from which women can choose spouses has widened and thus women are less desperate for marriage.

With the rise of sexually transmitted diseases and high cost of living, polygamy, in a modern set up is an unfavourable option to most.

Men also forget that they also do not satisfy their wives completely so should we also, marry another man who will meet the needs that aren’t met by husbands?

Human beings have animal instincts which we cannot avoid, but can control. We have the ability to control our desires and thus we have the choice to either be reckless or cautious in our decision making.

Because of modern solutions to the original generators of polygamy, such as adoption and fertility treatments where infertility was the problem, there are very few reasons left to applaud or support polygamy.

The new generators are lust, greed, disrespect and disregard for our spouses and selfishness among other causes.

When our spouses fall short, instead of replacing them with someone else, we have modern options such as communication, therapy and even divorce when all else fails. Adding another person into the equation is hardly the solution.

There is a huge difference between polygamy and adultery and we have many adulterous people hiding behind polygamy and thus giving the custom a bad name.

When criticising polygamy, or any other aspect of our culture, let us not de-contexualise it and apply it to modern culture but let us be able to critique it in its original context, only then can we judge it fairly.

SOULMATES I am a man in my thirties, may you link me with a beautiful lady of 30 plus years, residing in or around Bulawayo.

I am a woman with three kids, looking for a man to settle down with. I’m HIV-positive. I’m 41 years old.

I’m a mother of four looking for a man who is single ongela mfazi, 35 to 45 years old. I’m HIV-positive and I’m looking for umuntu o- positive laye o- serious.

Hello Sis Noe, I am a lady aged 40, may you please connect me with a serious man who wants to settle down, should be between 44 to 55 years old, preferably in Bulawayo. I am HIV-positive.

I’m a divorcee aged 43 with two kids, have a permanent job, HIV-positive. I’m looking for a man aged 45 to 50 who is also HIV-positive. I’m ready to settle down.

Hie Sis, I am a man aged 42, HIV-positive with two children, a boy of 11 years, HIV-positive and girl, aged six and HIV-negative both staying with me. Their mother died three years back. I am looking for someone who is HIV-positive to marry with one child or without from 29 years to 38 years and I am in Bulawayo.

I am a widow aged 39. I am HIV-positive, looking for a single man or akafirwawo we- same status anemakore 40 to 55 ari serious kuda kuroora, murume wacho anofanirwa kuva muBulawayo.

I am a lady aged 36, single with no kids and HIVpositive. Would you set me up with an HIV-positive man aged 38 to 45 who’s single.

May you please connect me with an HIV-positive guy who wants to marry aged 35 to 40.

I am a single mother of two aged 34 looking for a man between 36 to 43 years who wants a serious relationship. No married men please.

Ndiri mukadzi ane makore 43, ndodawo munhu wekufambidzana naye ane 46 years and above from Gweru or Bulawayo.

May you connect me with a lady aged 36 to 40, seriously searching for a lifetime partner especially from Bulawayo. I am 52, single, HIV-positive and I’ve been through many disappointments. I am ready to settle down.

I am looking for a female partner aged between 23 to 27 with or without a child, who wants a serious relationship and ready to marry by next year.

May you link me with any HIV-positive lady aged between the ages of 30 and 45. Preferably one who works. I am a civil servant. Thank you in advance sister.

I am a 43-year-old woman with two kids, looking for a man to settle down with. Never been married, I am still praying for a faithful husband. Please help.

Kindly connect me with a lady aged between 40 and 47 who is serious to settle down. I am a man of 47 who is gainfully employed and a father of two who is HIVnegative. I need a professional lady of any status.

I am a man of 30. I need a woman aged between 18 to 40 who is good and caring. I have a good job and a good salary. I have one son.

I’m a woman aged 45 with two kids. I need to settle down. I am HIV-negative and prepared to go for HIV tests. I need someone aged 48 to 55.

For the above numbers WhatsApp the number 0773111328. Calls will not be entertained.