My wife’s past haunts me

I AM trying to break up with my girlfriend but she is needy and possessive. She is a single mother and I love her son but I can’t stand her anymore. When I try to end things she causes a scene. Reply Breaking up is definitely hard to do, and not just if you are the one clinging on to the shattered dreams of unity and harmony. Calling a halt to a loving union for fun may be a sport favoured by a small cluster of sadists but for most of us, hurting another person, particularly one you once loved, is really difficult to do. A spurned lover will look for any glimmer of hope, so you need to be emphatic while showing empathy for their vulnerability. There is no need to be cruel or point out seeming inadequacies in your soon-to-be-ex-lover. Such outbursts only aggravate the situation. The only advice I can give you is to try to quiet the voices that are focused on your girlfriend’s failings and extricate yourself Send your sms to 0773111328 or 0772115830 or write to Sis Noe, Sunday News, Box 585, Bulawayo. You can also follow Sis Noe on http://sisnoe. blogspot.com Please note that Sis Noe is not a medical doctor but an elderly woman who has almost seen it all. She is a mother, grandmother, great-grandmother and aunt to many people. Those that require medical attention please visit the nearest clinic or hospital. Sis Noe is flattered by your confidence in her. Bombard her with social issues/problems — she will be of much help to you. with good grace, kindness and a commitment to remaining a small part of her child’s future life. We all know how painful rejection can be, so softening the blow and summoning all our best qualities, rather than unleashing our worst, in a break serves both parties far better. Sail forth, by all means, but with conviction, loving kindness and in hope of future friendship. Life is long and leaving victims scattered in your wake rather than gathering friends is the fool’s way forward.

I am always fighting with my husband of 10 years. We fight about everything and we never seem to agree on anything. I am thinking of leaving him. There is no passion left anymore. Reply Instead of heading for the door what about trying to disrupt the status quo? You claim opposing interests, but I would describe them simply as individual pursuits that only become a point of contention if you try to force them on each other. Instead, welcome your development as individuals as a bonus to your life together, take holidays alone or with friends when you can’t find mutually acceptable locations, indulge your hobbies and when you meet in the bedroom you may find your passion revitalised. Like all relationships there will be much that could be improved on and new issues to resolve. I don’t want to burden you with onerous responsibility but if you and your husband can find a way of communicating more constructively there is hope for your marriage. We must be the change we want to see and the qualities that will improve your relationship – including compromise, commitment and empathy – must be embedded in you. Otherwise if your issues are really toxic then leaving is an option.

I have been married for 20 years but my wife is a problem not a solution. She does not like anything that I do and she does not approve of my job because it involves travelling. I have endured abuse for the sake of our children who are twins but now they have grown up and I am thinking of leaving her. Reply I’m not a “no divorce no matter what” person and I don’t often advise the opposite either. Twenty years of marriage and two kids is quite a feat but that doesn’t mean that you don’t have the right, the reasons and the impetus to leave. I am not making light of your dilemma, but instead illustrating what a good thing you have had and why you have every right to at least ponder your options before you reach for the door handle. Obviously I’m not going to side with you on the reasons for your disgruntlement. Your gripes will be as subjective as every aggrieved lover’s complaint list. Nevertheless, what you feel is as important as what is real in such circumstances, and you clearly consider yourself to be much put upon. Before you make any rash decisions it’s also a good idea to consider the opposite point of view. Don’t leave because you are fed up or feeling sorry for yourself. Leave because you have come to a point where you judge happiness to lie outside rather than within your home. I can’t tell you to stay, or give you permission to leave; I can only encourage you to think long and hard about your next move.

A friend of mine who I last saw a long time ago told me that my wife used to sleep around a lot. He says she was so wild at college that almost every man slept with her. Now I don’t trust her because she told me that she only slept with a few men before she met me. — Worried. Reply You have had a happy marriage and that makes you a lucky man. Your wife, like all of us, is of course the sum of her past, but all that adds up to making her the person you fell in love with. She has admitted she enjoyed some nights of passion with a few men — who wouldn’t take such an opportunity when young, free and single? What more do you want from her in atonement? It’s not for you to judge or condone, accept or rage against; it’s just what was. So why have you allowed this friend, who clearly has his own agenda, to let his tale come between you? To me this so called friend has an agenda. What possible reason could he have for his revelations, and why does he feel he can insult your wife without you reacting? There is plenty of garbage in all our lives that is inexplicable even to ourselves, and when a third party gets involved, demanding logical answers, we tend to flounder about, digging ourselves deeper and deeper into the sand. Your wife will never be able to satisfactorily explain to you why she embraced a lifestyle you struggle to understand – and nor should she have to. The solution is not to judge or dwell on what happened, but to accept your wife for the woman she is now, not the experiences that shaped her along the way. If you ditch anyone, I suggest it be your so-called friend.