I don’t enjoy sex!

WHAT are the dangers of having anal sex? — Curious.

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Anal sex is defined as an act in which the penis is inserted into the anus of a sexual partner. In my words it involves trying to prevent a partner from defecating by pushing faeces back into the rectum. Disgusting isn’t it? Such a description of anal sex is deliberate because I don’t want you to do it. Anal sex carries an elevated risk of passing on diseases because the anal sphincter is delicate, easily-torn tissue; a tear can provide an entry for pathogens. The high concentration of white blood cells around the rectum, together with the risk of tearing and the rectum’s function to absorb fluid, places those who engage in unprotected anal sex at high risk of sexually transmitted infections. It increases the risk of anal cancer, anal warts and STIs. It can result in Hepatitis A which is a viral infection that can cause jaundice and abdominal pain. There is also the risk of Hepatitis C which is a progressive and sometimes fatal chronic liver disease. It can lead to serious kidney infection. Most gravely there is no doubt that anal intercourse carries a greater risk of transmission of HIV than other sexual activities, particularly for the receptive partner. It is theoretically possible that frequent or vigorous anal sex could put undue pressure on the posterior (back) vaginal wall. This could lead to an increased risk for passing gas (farting) or even to anal continence problems.

My boyfriend and I were going to have sex for the first time the other day. It was my first time but he has done it before. I was not nervous or anything but he couldn’t get in at all. Why did this happen?

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You need to be relaxed and before your boyfriend tries to enter you, it is good to start by having foreplay, like touching, kissing, masturbating each other or having oral sex. All of these things help you to feel excited. Some positions might be easier than others too if you experiment with different positions, don’t keep trying one if it’s a painful one. It is also possible that your hymen has not stretched yet and this is why you have not been able to have sex.

It may also be because of tight vaginal muscles in response to sex. This is called vaginismus: an involuntary spasm of vaginal muscles. It sometimes happens when a person is feeling worried about having sex, is not really sure if it’s the right thing to do, or is worried about the risk of pregnancy. If you can’t insert a finger or tampon in your vagina it would be a good idea to see a doctor and have an examination and find out if there is any hymen there or if there is another cause, such as vaginismus. The best place to try would be a family planning or sexual health clinic, but any doctor you feel comfortable would be fine. If you are thinking about having sex, you also need to think about protecting yourself from STIs and unwanted pregnancy.

Hi Sis Noe

I don’t know what is wrong with me. I have never enjoyed sex and I don’t feel a thing. Am I normal?

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Sexual experiences reflect the connection

My boyfriend and I have been together for three years. We break up and make up all the time. We love each other and are happy together, but our sex life has become monotonous; the same thing every time, and it’s over rather quickly. I try but he is not even trying to make it work. Is he just not that into me anymore or is there anything I can do to make us both feel sexy again?

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You care for each other, but it sounds as if you have become more like good friends than lovers. Sometimes relationships go through periods where there is little or no sex, but usually there is a reason such as exhaustion after the birth of a baby, a stressful job, redundancy or a death in the family. Maybe after getting back together it felt exciting at first, but that has not been sustained. You need to discuss this with your boyfriend, and find out why he no longer responds when you try to recapture your exciting sex life. It may be that part of him wants to play the field, and maybe you do too. If he is not prepared to try to reignite your sex life, I don’t think this relationship has a future.

My girlfriend has a temper and thinks nothing of insulting me. In private and in public, I am repeatedly told that I am stupid and fat, yet she still expects me to rise to the occasion and make her happy. Other people don’t have relationships like this. Where am I going wrong?

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It sounds like it’s time for some home truths. Firstly, your partner needs to hear that unless she stops acting like a brat, this relationship is over. Secondly, you need to ask yourself why you have been putting up with this treatment. Choose your moment, be calm but firm and read her the riot act. By standing up for yourself, you may win back her respect and she may change her tune. Alternatively, you might find the self-respect and confidence needed to end this relationship and find someone who deserves you.

I was a virgin but I did not bleed when I had sex with my husband.

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Not all women bleed when they have sex for the first time. Vaginal bleeding from first time intercourse typically occurs when a woman’s hymen tears. The hymen is a thin layer of tissue that covers part of a woman’s vaginal entrance. Although the tissue itself is thin, it is filled with blood vessels — that is why tearing the hymen can lead to bleeding. Among women who notice bleeding when they first have sex, some notice only a small amount of bleeding and others notice a significant amount. However, some girls are not born with much hymen tissue at all and so when they are older and have vaginal intercourse for the first time, they don’t notice much bleeding, if they notice any at all. Other times girls are born with a typical amount of hymen but the hymen tears during childhood or adolescence without them even realizing it. A young woman may tear her hymen while washing her vagina by inserting her finger or fingers or another object. Also, a young woman may tear her hymen while being fingered by her partner as part of sex play. Even tampon use may help to wear away parts of the hymen over time. Sports that require a lot of leg work, running, riding a bicycle can cause the hymen to tear. In other words, there are several reasons why you did not bleed during your first sexual intercourse but that doesn’t mean that you were not a virgin. I hope this is helpful.