Man (95) recounts 68-year journey in polygamy
“It was genuine love that didn’t need any material things for it to happen. My wife would not accept gifts from me, even as little as food. It’s amazing that it is this kind of love that is enduring.”
POLYGAMY! It’s one word that elicits countless labels and exposes one to stigma. In most Christian settings, it’s seen as being evil, unholy and a bedrock of jealous and unending rivalry. In Zimbabwe, polygamy is not strange, but with the rise of evangelism, it’s growing to be seen as evil, unGodly and unclean.
But Sekuru Enoch Makuwi Kadiki ( 95) of Mutoko, about 144km east of the capital, is not afraid to be different. He is a happy polygamous man. Sekuru Kadiki insists he has enjoyed 68 years of polygamous wedded bliss with his two wives, Jessica and Winnet.
He has, with good skill, handled a polygamous marriage just the same way someone in a monogamous union would do.
Sekuru Kadiki, who has nine children with his fi rst wife and 10 with the second, says he became a polygamist by accident.
“It was a mistake when I took another wife. There was no particular reason, why I did this.”
He married his fi rst wife, Jessica in 1949 and his second, Winnet, in the 60s.
A polygamous marriage, just like a monogamous one, is not a bed of roses.
“I balance everything because I make sure, one day I eat from my fi rst wife’s pot, the next from my second wife’s,” says Sekuru Kadiki, who no longer remembers some of the issues because of advanced age.
Fairness and love, he says, is key to the survival of a polygamous marriage.
“Couples must be exemplary and be a source of inspiration to their children by living in peace and harmony,” he says.
Th is, Sekuru Kadiki says, entails selflessness, devotion, affection and determination, among others.
He thanks God for coming this far with his polygamous marriage.
“I got married to my fi rst wife, Jessica in 1949 and my second Winnet in the 60s, somewhere there,” he says. “Marriage is God’s plan for humans.
“My wives are simple women, but what strikes me the most about them is their respect and conduct in my home. They respect me and they have good manners. Good manners by my wives have made this polygamous marriage endure many years.”
Sekuru Kadiki recalls, in a humorous way, how he met his fi rst wife.
“During those old days, women were very diffi cult to approach and they didn’t rush to accept a man just like that. I kept pursuing my wife and had to guarantee her that I really loved her.
“It was easier for me to meet with my wife because we lived in the same area and went to the same school. I used to see her at school and at our grazing pastures where I would attend to my herd and she would be coming to fetch water.
“It took us time to get married because I had to go to boarding school for eight years. We would communicate using letters while we were in different schools. She lived about 30km from where I lived, but I would cycle to where she lived every time I was home.”
Th ere is a sea of change between courtship in the 40s and today.
“Unlike the strategies that are used today when trying to get a woman’s attention, we never used to bring anything for a woman,” Sekuru Kadiki says.
“It was genuine love that didn’t need any material things for it to happen. My wife would not accept gift s from me, even as little as food. It’s amazing that it is this kind of love that is enduring.”
Marriage in those days, he says, was properly planned by both families.
“Both families planned the marriage together,” Sekuru Kadiki recalls.
“It was no laughing matter. Paying lobola and getting a wife was a big issue. I believe this brought stability in my relationship with my wives.
“I fi nished paying lobola for all the two of my wives. I don’t owe my in-laws anything.”
Sekuru Kadiki, who has 19 children, 46 grandchildren and 31 great grandchildren, says he never experienced big problems in his polygamous marriage.
He only faced problems in raising his children.
His fi rst wife, Mbuya Jessica, is very supportive of her husband.
“When my husband married a new wife, I did not employ violence in any way against him and the new wife,” she quipped.
“I just took it as fate. Th e young woman was someone I had lived with in my house as she was going to school, which made it easier for me to accommodate her. If I had become aggressive, we wouldn’t have made it this far.”
Mbuya Jessica attributes the success of the polygamous union to her determination and peace-loving nature.
“Women should work hard for the sustenance of their families,” she says.
“If there is food and respect for the husband, a marriage can survive in harmony. Peace reigns if women work hard to build their families.”
Winnet, the second wife, was away on the day of the interview.
“I get along with Winnet very well,” Mbuya Jessica says. “We go to church together. We have separate bedrooms and kitchens and Baba rotates around our homes to make us happy.”
Sekuru Kadiki says forgiveness is a critical ingredient in the survival of their polygamous marriage.
“Forgiveness allows you to break free from limiting beliefs and attitudes,” he says.
“It frees up your mental and emot ional energies so t hat you can apply them to creating a better life. Kutadzirana kurimo muvanhu. Forgiveness helps us to go on when we face numerous life problems. Th is is the reason why we have survived through all these years.
“Th ere was never a day when we fought. We always talked things over and over, we forgave each other.”
But their children see polygamy in different ways.
“Polygamy yes, we had no choice,” says Betty Kadiki-Borerwe (64), one of the daughters of Sekuru Kadiki.
“Being born in a polygamous family has many complications such as unfair treatment and so on.
“It was not easy, but we have survived as a big family. I managed to escape the challenges of this polygamous marriage through education. It liberated me and helped me to survive on my own.”
But Farai Kadiki-Shoko has no complaints.
“I want to thank my parents for working hard to see us through school despite all the economic hardships and the structure of our family,” she says.
“The problems we encountered as children are quite similar to those encountered by those in monogamous marriages.
“We can’t all be the same, our family is different and we always strive for family unit despite the complicated set up we have.
“It’s a blessing to see our father at the age of 95 and still going on with his wives.”
Sekuru Kadiki was diagnosed with a stomach ulcer three years ago. He has some words of wisdom. “There is need to take time before getting into marriage because many divorces are a result of people rushing into marriage without commitment,” he says.
“Women need to be loved. They need a man who is committed.”