Should I feel resentful?

I AM a divorced lady of 58. Last October, I met the most lovely man, my soulmate actually, and he feels the same about me. We have a very good relationship. We take it in turns to stay at each other’s houses at weekends. We go on holidays together and do all sorts of other activities together.

When we first started going out he had just come out of a long-term relationship of three years, having lived with a lady in her 50s in her house with her teenage children.

Financially he is very well off. He told me recently how he took this lady on wonderful holidays, all paid for by him; he also paid rent to her when he lived with her. He told me she couldn’t afford holidays so he paid for them but she also had a full time job.

My problem here is that any holidays we go on I have always paid my half. If we go out for meals I pay for my meal. Since he told me how he lavished money on her I feel a bit resentful. I know right from the start I offered to pay my way and he didn’t refuse this. I also work full-time but have the advantage of a small inheritance which pays for holidays.

Should I feel resentful by the way he paid for everything for this lady? Or am I just being over sensitive? I don’t want to ruin the relationship that we have but also I don’t want to harbour a grudge. I would also like to add that this lady out of the blue dumped him saying she needed her space and he doesn’t have any idea why. She also told him that she hadn’t loved him for a very long while. Being the kind man that he is he was devastated but decided that she was a good person because she didn’t just use him for his money as he thinks that she could have strung him along longer.

Jane says . . .

I think you’re right in many ways actually.

One is that you are keeping a control of this situation by fending for yourself so to speak. Self- esteem is valuable especially when we get older and, frankly, less confident and more vulnerable. To have somebody know that you’re not in it for the cash and lifestyle means that you can hold your head up while you — and he — sort out what you really want and how genuine the whole thing is.

There are dozens of women out there who allow men to indulge them, I see them in their droves. I have very little respect for a great majority of the ones I meet as I know what they’re really in the relationship for. If they’re attractive enough they can truly “milk” the poor chap (many of whom are a bit dim and love the flattery especially when they’re older).

I’m pleased you didn’t go into this relationship being one of them. If however, your relationship is good . . . is going to last . . . then I think you can and should speak to him.

Tell him how you like to hold your head up and not be a user so to speak and hope that your actions have proven that — but how you would like to know you’re valued as an attractive woman, and would like to be treated as such.

Mean men are simply the worst, and I don’t necessarily think he is one of them. However, I do think a little nudge in the direction of “come on now, this is not the behaviour of a gentleman” can’t hurt.

Saying all this will help him understand you are genuine — but also want to feel like an attractive indulged woman — and splitting the bill is really not on!

Good luck!

I can’t talk to my friends about

my depression

I have had depression since I was in Year Nine and I’m now in my final year of A-Level. I “force” myself to be open about it as I’m adamant that I have nothing to hide and I’ve done nothing wrong. But I really struggle to truly talk about my past abuse because I’m scared that I’m attention seeking. I used to think I was actually making up the stories because people saw them to be so fantastical. I know my friends say nasty things about me and my illness and loads of people have done for years — I’m just so lonely and disconnected. It breaks me when I overhear them say they don’t believe me. Although I understand that because they don’t come across such things everyday they find it hard to believe so I don’t blame them I’m just sad and lonely I wish I had family or friends to talk to.

Jane says . . .

I’m really sorry that you’re struggling so much with feeling all these emotions — mainly the guilt that you’re “attention seeking.”

Angel you have to understand that this is crazy! You are not attention seeking, the rational side of your brain is understandably wanting to communicate and share your story — and encourage others to feel comfortable with you, and share theirs! This is how we humans are programmed to be. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this — and those few that speak behind your back are completely wrong!

There’s a lot of talk around mental health issues at the moment which is great. Depression among young English girls is among the highest in the world. Some blame social media — but I believe it’s just that we’re not a particularly kind nation. We set such store by being “cool” — everyone has to fit in and mimic the leader of the pack. Young and kind just isn’t acceptable as it makes us stand out, and we (I firmly believe) all struggle internally to fit in and be one of the crowd and accepted. The more we make people understand that to be big and brave enough to stand out and embrace our individuality the better.

My advice to you is to take what I’ve said on board and put your mind at ease. Depression is rife. See a doctor — they will be much more understanding than you would ever believe, and know there is help for you out there and that you are one of many seeking it.

Join a new group within your social sphere. Maybe theatre groups — art, singing. Artistic people are often kinder to deal with as their minds are focused on different things and I honestly think they don’t feel the need to fit in so desperately.

You are not alone so don’t feel it. Take my advice and act today — and feel free to contact me whenever you want — I am here and I will help. — Online.