‘I’m hoping my wife’s lover will get her pregnant’

DEAR DEIDRE: AFTER three years of being a mum on my own, I decided to go back to college full-time.

It’s all going great but I’m back with my son’s dad and I’m scared this will ruin my plans

He says he loves me and I never stopped loving him, even after he left me for another woman. We’re both 28 and our son is six.

The trouble is that he’s never paid money to me for our son and I doubt that will change.

He wants to move into my flat but that would mean losing my single parent’s grant and all my benefits. What should I do?

DEIDRE SAYS: Don’t let him move back. You’re doing fine on your own. You say yourself that you doubt he’s changed much. He left you once and could do it again.

For your son’s sake, stay strong. Make your ex prove himself first. And contact Child Maintenance Options for details on his financial responsibilities

DEAR DEIDRE: I’m hoping my wife’s lover will get her pregnant. Do you think I am asking for trouble?

I am 44 and my wife is 39. We have been married for 18 years. We have never used contraception but there is no sign of a family.

My wife always gets home from work well before me — and I know she has a lover because I came home early one day and heard sexual noises upstairs.

I’m not one for confrontation so I went into the living room and sat on the sofa behind the door until things quietened down.

I then heard my wife come creeping downstairs and whisper something, then more footsteps down the stairs.

The footsteps went through to the kitchen and I heard the back door open and close.

My wife then went back upstairs for a while. I guess this was to tidy up the bedding to remove any sign of someone having been there.

I quietly slipped out the front door then came back in again more loudly, closed it and called out that I was home. My wife was a bit flustered and sur- prised that I was home so early. I could clearly hear the anxiety but then relief in her voice.

We had the usual conversations about her day and my day and that was it.

This happened more than a year ago and I thought long and hard about whether to confront her.

Truth is, I was not surprised she had someone else, because our sex life has been pretty dreary for a few years. So I let things be.

The next time I left work early, I called in at the pub on my way home. But now I was aware of the lover, I always knew when “he” had been around.

There were tiny clues such as a dent in my pillow or an extra glass in the dishwasher.

My secret hope is that my wife gets pregnant by him. A baby might be the saving of our relationship, as well as make my wife happy. She is always envious when her colleagues go off on maternity leave.

DEIDRE SAYS: Or it might be the end of your marriage. You could no longer pretend to be unaware of your wife’s affair and she might feel obliged to tell you about her lover — who might then be keen to raise his child.

I know you’re nervous of confrontation but your marriage is already in crisis. Talk to your wife about that and her feelings about not having a child.

DEAR DEIDRE: MY father has real problems with his spending. He lost the family business and now lives with my grandmother, as he and my mum divorced.

I am a man of 20 but I can’t get him to see that his behaviour is leading to disaster. He is 47 and has spent the money my grandmother borrowed for him by mortgaging her home. He has a new car and goes on luxury holidays.

The house they live in is falling to bits but he turns a blind eye. If I say anything to him, he argues and makes out I am the one in the wrong.

I live with my mum. She and I both work to provide for us and my younger sister but my dad no longer works and his life is spiralling out of control. I am at my wits’ end over where his life is leading.

DEIDRE SAYS: Trying to Influence your father when you are only 20 yourself may prove very difficult.

What you can do is pass on a copy of my e-leaflet Solving Debt Problems and hope he will take it on board.

Have a word with your grandmother and urge her not to lend him any more money, as it will only be frittered away. Her mortgage repayments and other bills must take priority.