‘I lust for married woman twice my age’
DEAR DEIDRE: I had a wild fling with my neighbour but she has put a stop to it because she is more than twice my age. I am 18, she is 45 and married with two kids. They moved in a few doors down from us last summer and she caught my eye straight away. She was always smiling and friendly and we would chat whenever we met in the street or supermarket.
No way does she look her age. Her husband works away a lot but they had a party a few weeks ago and invited neighbours as well as friends and family. We chatted in the kitchen and she promised me a dance later. It was a very close dance and she smelled amazing. I went into the garden — they had patio heaters out there — and she came and sat beside me. She put her hand on my knee and, out of the blue, kissed my cheek and said I was so good-looking. I just pulled her to me and kissed her. She said, “Wow, you know what you’re doing, don’t you?”Instead of going back indoors we went into her summer house.
We didn’t actually have sex that night but came pretty close. She asked me to go round the next day as her husband was taking the kids to his parents. Excited doesn’t come close to describing my feelings. We spent the morning in her bed and had amazingly hot sex. I had only ever had sex with girls my age before.
Our fling lasted until last weekend when she called me and said it had to stop, because of the age gap. She refuses point-blank to return my calls or texts and has blocked me on social media. How can I reassure her it’s not wrong and I am old enough to know what I am doing? I am going crazy.
DEIDRE SAYS Having this mature woman lusting after you has done wonders for your ego but she is quite right to put a stop to the sexual fling before it goes any further. You cannot reassure her nor should you try because it has no future.
She was risking her marriage and her family. She may have got carried away, just as you did, but has come to realise a secret liaison is potentially explosive.
Accept that she does not want to speak to you at the moment.
If you are going to stay friendly neighbours in the future then the boundary needs to be drawn again. It was exciting while it lasted but now it’s time to put it down to experience.
You are 18, a great age. Get out and about with your mates and before long you will find a girl nearer your own age that is looking for a romance that can be out in the open, not a guilty secret.
Dear Boitumelo: I suspect my girlfriend was sexually abused as a child as she is highly paranoid about our daughter interacting with all our male relatives.
She insists all interactions should be supervised by either me or her, which I find impractical. I tried to get her to open up but she refused to tell me what happened to her.
Boitumelo Replies: It is very difficult to disclose such intimate violation, even though you are her husband.
Rather suggest that she sees a professional or someone she can trust. Take into consideration the nature of our society at present, which is characterised by violence and brutality towards women and children.
I have heard many mothers becoming extremely fearful for their children, boys or girls. It’s a pity that as a parent you can’t always protect your children.
It is better to suggest to her that you both look for ways to empower your children; teach them how to protect themselves from being easy targets. And also, if she was sexually abused but refuses to let you in on what happened to her, let her be.
Whenever she’s ready and trusting, she will open up. Her request is not unreasonable.
How many hours does your daughter spend interacting with your male relatives?
The world is corrupt and even uncles can no longer be trusted. Protect your girl.
Dear Boitumelo: My sister once chose her boyfriend over our family and decided to move in with him against our parents’ wishes. But, now that the chickens have come home to roost and he dumped her, she wants to move back home and behaves as if nothing has happened. She even had the audacity to try to kick me out of her room. I find it hard to reconcile with her. Help?
Boitumelo replies: I can imagine how everyone is still dealing with how they felt when she decided to move in with her boyfriend and those emotions have not been resolved to this day.
It would benefit everyone to deal with these feelings so that she can be made aware of how other people feel. It seems she has a way of bullying her way through situations without taking into consideration how other people would feel and that has not changed.
The family has to be assertive in making her aware that they can’t always dance to her tune.
Unfortunately, over time, she has forfeited certain things and can’t claim them back as if nothing has changed. Until she is made aware of this, she will continue to be as she is. Having said that, she should not be punished for her bad decision, especially when she tries to work with the family.