‘I lust for mar­ried woman twice my age’

The Manica Post - - Fashion/dateline/relationships -

DEAR DEIDRE: I had a wild fling with my neigh­bour but she has put a stop to it be­cause she is more than twice my age. I am 18, she is 45 and mar­ried with two kids. They moved in a few doors down from us last sum­mer and she caught my eye straight away. She was al­ways smil­ing and friendly and we would chat when­ever we met in the street or su­per­mar­ket.

No way does she look her age. Her hus­band works away a lot but they had a party a few weeks ago and in­vited neigh­bours as well as friends and fam­ily. We chat­ted in the kitchen and she promised me a dance later. It was a very close dance and she smelled amaz­ing. I went into the gar­den — they had pa­tio heaters out there — and she came and sat be­side me. She put her hand on my knee and, out of the blue, kissed my cheek and said I was so good-look­ing. I just pulled her to me and kissed her. She said, “Wow, you know what you’re do­ing, don’t you?”In­stead of go­ing back in­doors we went into her sum­mer house.

We didn’t ac­tu­ally have sex that night but came pretty close. She asked me to go round the next day as her hus­band was tak­ing the kids to his par­ents. Ex­cited doesn’t come close to de­scrib­ing my feel­ings. We spent the morn­ing in her bed and had amaz­ingly hot sex. I had only ever had sex with girls my age be­fore.

Our fling lasted un­til last week­end when she called me and said it had to stop, be­cause of the age gap. She re­fuses point-blank to re­turn my calls or texts and has blocked me on so­cial me­dia. How can I re­as­sure her it’s not wrong and I am old enough to know what I am do­ing? I am go­ing crazy.

DEIDRE SAYS Hav­ing this ma­ture woman lust­ing af­ter you has done won­ders for your ego but she is quite right to put a stop to the sex­ual fling be­fore it goes any fur­ther. You can­not re­as­sure her nor should you try be­cause it has no fu­ture.

She was risk­ing her mar­riage and her fam­ily. She may have got car­ried away, just as you did, but has come to re­alise a se­cret li­ai­son is po­ten­tially ex­plo­sive.

Ac­cept that she does not want to speak to you at the mo­ment.

If you are go­ing to stay friendly neigh­bours in the fu­ture then the bound­ary needs to be drawn again. It was ex­cit­ing while it lasted but now it’s time to put it down to ex­pe­ri­ence.

You are 18, a great age. Get out and about with your mates and be­fore long you will find a girl nearer your own age that is look­ing for a ro­mance that can be out in the open, not a guilty se­cret.

Dear Boi­tumelo: I sus­pect my girl­friend was sex­u­ally abused as a child as she is highly para­noid about our daugh­ter in­ter­act­ing with all our male rel­a­tives.

She in­sists all in­ter­ac­tions should be su­per­vised by ei­ther me or her, which I find im­prac­ti­cal. I tried to get her to open up but she re­fused to tell me what hap­pened to her.

Boi­tumelo Replies: It is very dif­fi­cult to dis­close such in­ti­mate vi­o­la­tion, even though you are her hus­band.

Rather sug­gest that she sees a pro­fes­sional or some­one she can trust. Take into con­sid­er­a­tion the nature of our society at present, which is char­ac­terised by vi­o­lence and bru­tal­ity to­wards women and chil­dren.

I have heard many moth­ers be­com­ing ex­tremely fear­ful for their chil­dren, boys or girls. It’s a pity that as a par­ent you can’t al­ways pro­tect your chil­dren.

It is bet­ter to sug­gest to her that you both look for ways to em­power your chil­dren; teach them how to pro­tect them­selves from be­ing easy tar­gets. And also, if she was sex­u­ally abused but re­fuses to let you in on what hap­pened to her, let her be.

When­ever she’s ready and trust­ing, she will open up. Her re­quest is not un­rea­son­able.

How many hours does your daugh­ter spend in­ter­act­ing with your male rel­a­tives?

The world is cor­rupt and even un­cles can no longer be trusted. Pro­tect your girl.

Dear Boi­tumelo: My sis­ter once chose her boyfriend over our fam­ily and de­cided to move in with him against our par­ents’ wishes. But, now that the chick­ens have come home to roost and he dumped her, she wants to move back home and be­haves as if noth­ing has hap­pened. She even had the au­dac­ity to try to kick me out of her room. I find it hard to rec­on­cile with her. Help?

Boi­tumelo replies: I can imag­ine how ev­ery­one is still deal­ing with how they felt when she de­cided to move in with her boyfriend and those emo­tions have not been re­solved to this day.

It would ben­e­fit ev­ery­one to deal with th­ese feel­ings so that she can be made aware of how other peo­ple feel. It seems she has a way of bul­ly­ing her way through sit­u­a­tions with­out tak­ing into con­sid­er­a­tion how other peo­ple would feel and that has not changed.

The fam­ily has to be as­sertive in mak­ing her aware that they can’t al­ways dance to her tune.

Un­for­tu­nately, over time, she has for­feited cer­tain things and can’t claim them back as if noth­ing has changed. Un­til she is made aware of this, she will con­tinue to be as she is. Hav­ing said that, she should not be pun­ished for her bad de­ci­sion, es­pe­cially when she tries to work with the fam­ily.

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