I love her, but I cheated

ln denial of prospect of divorce Dear Coleen

OUR son, who is 43, has been living with us since September when his wife told him she was no longer in love with him and only thinks of him as a brother, not a husband.

There are two children involved — a girl of 13 and a boy of 18. My daughter-in-law doesn’t want our son to stay at their house.

To please his wife, he agreed to live with us for the time being, despite begging her for a reconciliation. She refused and said she has no wish to hurt him, but can no longer live with him.

Our son is a broken man. He longs for family life and misses the children dreadfully as he has limited contact with them. He is still paying the mortgage and living expenses for the house he no longer lives in.

We are a retired couple of 78 and 76, and we’ve been used to our own company for many years. Now we have our youngest son back at home with us.

What can we do to help? And what are his next steps to make some sense of this situation? At the moment, it seems to be a stalemate.

Coleen says

You are doing a lot to help already by giving him a roof over his head and supporting him emotionally.

I understand your worries about how long it’s going to go on for and the pressure it puts on you and your husband.

The problem is, your son is in denial at the moment so he isn’t being proactive or pushing for divorce because he’s hoping she’ll change her mind.

He doesn’t have to force the divorce route, but he needs to get legal advice to find out where he stands in terms of the house and finances. He should also sort out interim accommodation, not only so he has his own space, but so that his children can stay with him.

I don’t know if you can help him to accept it’s over – I think he has to come to that conclusion himself.

Mediation would be a good idea to break the deadlock. He can contact a support group which supports families going through divorce and separation, and has lots of good information around children, property and finance.

It’s only been a couple of months since the separation, so your son is still reeling from the heartbreak. Hopefully, he’ll start thinking more logically about the situation once he realises a reconciliation isn’t on the cards.

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I love her but I cheated

Dear Coleen

I’m a 25-year-old guy and I’ve been with my girlfriend for three years. We get on really well and the sex is great, so I thought everything was perfect.

But a few weeks ago, I was at my older sister’s flat doing some stuff for her when her friend came over. My sister had called to say she’d be late, so I invited this girl in for a coffee to wait. I’m sure you know where this is going!

I’ve known this girl for a few years and I suppose I’ve always fancied her, but never thought much about it as she’s my sister’s friend.

Anyway, a coffee turned into a glass of wine and we ended up in bed together. My sister has no idea what happened as she got home really late and her friend had gone.

Since then, I’ve been thinking about this girl non-stop and we’ve met up for sex at her place several times — she’s 28.

That one night has basically put a bomb in the middle of my relationship. I do love my girlfriend, but I’m also having very hot sex with a (slightly) older woman. I’m confused. Help!

Coleen says

OK, you’re cheating on your girlfriend and that’s wrong. I think at this point the least you should do is explain to her that you’re not sure whether you want to be in a relationship at the moment and need some time out.

But you should also stop seeing this other girl because you can’t make any kind of sensible decision when you’re being distracted by hot sex.

Look, part of the attraction of these encounters with your sister’s friend could simply be the excitement and the danger because it’s forbidden, she’s older and it’s a big secret.

But if you peel all of that away, what’s left? You’ve built a great relationship with your girlfriend over three years – is it worth chucking away for this fantasy sex?

Often when affairs become legit they fail very quickly because that thrill of doing something illicit has gone.

Things can’t be as great as you say with your girlfriend or you wouldn’t be sleeping with someone else. But if you decide to stay with her, the next dilemma is whether to tell her about your affair and risk being dumped – guilt can be a heavy burden.

Auntie Joyie is here to help you with advice on any situations you might be facing. Send your situations via WhatsApp to 0716069196.The responses will be published in The Manica Post every week. Remember,we will never reveal your identity.