Queen Bee Mujuru and tired politicians

But Dydmus Mutasa and Gumbo sooka, haaa, no mhani! While some few, admittedly misguided souls, are seeing the country’s future president, Gumbo and Mutasa vatori kuona mablankets.

THE temptation, very big temptation, was to start this sermon with a paragraph or two of nothing but laughter. Kufa zvedu nekuseka. And why not? Tapotserwa politics dzemumagudza. But then come on guys, we have to be polite and we need to be sympathetic.

Queen Bee — Joice Mujuru, for those not in the know — was almost laid.

But Dydmus Mutasa and Gumbo sooka, haaa, no mhani! While some few, admittedly misguided souls, are seeing the country’s future president, Gumbo and Mutasa vatori kuona mablankets.

They are seeing themselves mating with with the Queen Bee.

Maybe we should forgive Mutasa and Gumbo because I remember a few months ago, Queen Bee was in some foreign country and the way she was seated said little for decorum.

I vividly remember Nathaniel Manheru saying Queen Bee vakanga vasina kumbwandira. Maybe that’s when these two tired politicians got their ideas from.

But maybe I’m leaping to conclusions in the same manner some leap into bed. Let’s start our sermon properly so that we put things into context.

Let’s appreciate that sexual intercourse is a good thing. God created it. And by design, he didn’t make it a merely mechanical act for reproductive purposes alone. He created sexual intimacy for humanity’s pleasure.

The Holy Book says sex is a way for a husband and wife to express their love to one another. And so, God created sex to be a beautiful and enjoyable expression of love. Can I hear an amen! Genesis 1:27-28 says: “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. God blessed them and said to them, ‘Be fruitful and increase in number.’

1 Corinthians 7:3-5 adds: “The husband should fulfil his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfil her husband’s needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife.”

So let’s not get mixed up with what is to follow.

Mutasa and Gumbo, according to Queen Bee, had bedroom plans nemukadzi asiri wavo.

“I want you to Google and advise each other. They said Mai Mujuru, we want you to be our queen bee. I was supposed to mate with all the men in the party. I was supposed to be their wife.”

Dear congregants, we all know Mutasa and Gumbo are a bit on the crazy old side, but did anyone see this coming? Kupfimba kwemadhara. Kikikikiki!

And here is Gumbo’s response: “She does not have an understand of a beehive. We indeed said she was supposed to be the queen bee. Not that we wanted to sleep with her, but we were supposed to do all the dirty work, fight for her, protect her and not expose her because we understood her limitations.”

Bishop Lazarus took advice from Joice and Googled “queen bee”.

Most definitions say the term typically refers to an adult, mated female in a honey bee colony or hive; she is usually the mother of all the bees in the hive.

You see why Joice would not have any of it? Apo pakanzi “adult, mated female”, akati yowee, ndodzikwanisa harahwa dzisingadi kukura idzi?

So Queen Bee decided to fly away and form a new hive.

But Gumbo and Mutasa had their own plan. And the circus unravelled.

Queen Bee hastily arranged some media conference to fire the male harem, Gumbo, Mutasa and fellow studs countered by announcing that they had fired Queen Bee from the hive.

But dear congregants, let’s rewind a bit and also forgive me for bragging a little.

The day was March 6, 2016 and your Bishop wrote a sermon headlined: “Stop lying, Joice didn’t launch a political party”.

I quoted one of my favourite French theorists, Jean Baudrillard, who a few days before the Gulf War started in 1992, wrote a paper saying the Gulf War would not happen. When the Gulf War started he maintained that the war was not taking place. After the war, he said the Gulf War had not happened.

Baudrillard argued that the Gulf War was a media spectacle and not a genuine war.

After quoting this French theorist, I turned to Joice, who had held a media conference to claim she had launched a party.

I said Joice had not launched a party.

“I was at that said Press conference where some people were saying she launched her political party and let me tell you this — Joice didn’t launch anything. Nothing of that sort ever happened.

I was there and no party was launched. Nothing,” I wrote.

Some people thought Bishop Lazarus vakumhanya mushini but I maintained my position and up to this day I boldly declare that Queen Bee didn’t launch anything. Now see what’s happening. Queen Bee thought she had launched her party and now she is being told kuti asikana tikwanirei. As Nathaniel Manheru would put it, “Chinhu ichi chine vene vacho!”

If there is anyone who thinks Queen Bee has a political party, wait till Gumbo and Mutasa approach the courts.

Queen Bee has to get real and start thinking of seriously launching a party. Very soon she will realise that a political party is never launched in some hotel with a few bemused officials.

But then Queen Bee may not even need to launch her party. Everything is pointing to Joice joining MDC-T.

Dear congregants let me make myself clear here. Joice won’t go into any coalition with Tsvangirai. No, she can’t . Haana party zve nhai vanhuwe. She will just be swallowed, otoitawo member.

And let’s not even start about the male harem at MDC-T!

Pastor Nelson Chamisa must be having a good time. Everything is falling into place for a post-Tsvangirai era.

While Tsvangirai is chasing the wind talking about the imaginary coalition, quite a number of meetings have been held to discuss his after-life.

In the meantime, Queen Bee and the soon-to-be-axed Jealousy Mawarire should stop being childish.

At each and every turn, they accuse Zanu-PF of doing this and that to their imagined party. Hehe, Zanu-PF has infiltrated us, hehe what, what? Utter nonsense. Before I conclude this sermon, let me tell you today what the Heavens are showing me.

I can see a race between Queen Bee, Mutasa and Gumbo. The three are racing going back to Zanu-PF. What I can’t see is who will get back to Zanu-PF first? But the race is on. Mhanya Joyi mhanya.

Bishop is out!