Baby mama keeping child from me

I am a 36-year-old married man. My wife and l have three children of our own. In 2014 I stepped out of my marriage and sired a child with another woman. She ended up taking me to court, where I was ordered to pay maintenance for this child every month.

At first I was reluctant to do so but it is now automatic as the money is deducted from my salary at work. My point of concern is that I am not permitted to see this child. It has been three years now. She ignores my pleas to see our child via text and phone. I was recently blocked on her WhatsApp. I don’t know what to do, please assist.

Response

Honestly speaking, it’s very unfortunate when a married man cheats on his spouse and ends up having a child out of wedlock. It’s not fair to purposely bring a child into the world when you know there may be problems lying in wait. It is also unreasonable to restrain a parent from seeing their child. The writing is on the wall. It is clear this woman wants nothing to do with you.

In a way, I think she is right because you need to focus on your own family. I don’t get the “struggling to see your child” bit when the court legally sorted that out. I urge you to go back to court and get it resolved if you are not happy with what is going on.

You cannot be paying maintenance for a child that you are not allowed to see. It defeats all logic. I know you did not justify her actions but I need to ask why she is acting this way. Did you agitate her recently? Are you also sure that you are the legitimate father of this child? It would be wise to go for DNA tests and establish the true paternity of the child. It will also help reaffirm your desire to spend more time with the child. I would be happy to hear from you.

I was played for a fool

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Dear amai, I’m a stressed young woman who desperately needs your help. I am 20 years of age and I have never been married. I dated a man for six months and we had a live-in arrangement. I know you do not usually approve of such set-ups. I became suspicious when he would forbid me from going kumusha naye or meeting any of his relatives.

One day his phone rang while he had left for work and the contact was saved as Desmond. I picked up the call and found out that it was actually his wife and they had children together. I ended up persuading this woman to come to where we resided because aigara kumusha. After the confrontation, he chose her and I ended up alone. The problem now is that he has started making advances towards me again. I am so hurt and fed up. I’m fighting to resist his idea for us to get back together. What is your take on this issue amai?

Response

Hello my young writer. I really struggled to make head or tail of your letter. You say your relationship did not last six months before you discovered that this guy was married. My question is did you ever ask the right questions or it was just small talk? When you date, you usually try to learn about your partner’s family, friends, colleagues and a lot more. In your case, it seems the only person you knew from his side was him. He was almost a complete stranger to you.

As for your living arrangement, what did your family elders say? I always encourage people not to rush into relationships because they are short-lived. I don’t know what had gotten into you when you called his wife to come and confront him. That was very dangerous, some have been killed or maimed because you don’t know how that person will react. Love triangles can prove to be fatal.

After all this, he showed you that he still prefers his wife over you. So what more do you want out of this? These advances mean nothing. He made his choice and is sticking to it. The message is very clear. You made up your mind and went away. Please leave this married man alone. Move on and start on a new slate. Do not settle for being second best. Pray for your heart’s desires. God will make these a reality. I would like to hear about the progress you make.

My boyfriend lacks character

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I am in need of your help. I am a single mother of one and my boyfriend is 15 years older than me. He has a younger brother who happens to be the source of my problem. We once had a huge altercation and he said several profanities that I cannot dare repeat. To make matters worse, this happened while we had gone for a visit at my rural home in the presence of my son.

I told my boyfriend but he just said pedzeranai. His little brother has threatened to beat me up and he often insults me, even in front of my partner, but he is not moved. I do not like the idea of being treated like a doormat, that all of his relatives can just walk over me. It gets worse because he stays with his brother. I really do not know if my boyfriend is weak or he is just not bothered by these ugly circumstances. What course of action would be best for me to take?

Response

To say the least, I am shocked by your potential brother-in-law’s behaviour. You take them to your rural home then he insults you there, what does that mean? That is a sign of gross disrespect. The use of vulgar words is barbaric and uncalled for.

He owes you an apology for doing that at your house, what an ill-mannered guest! How can your boyfriend say pedzeranai? In my view, this family has no respect for you and your child. A person who cares stands up for you at all costs. Your partner lacks integrity.

He cannot just sweep this under the carpet, considering he stays with his brother. The best way forward is for you guys to sit down and iron out your differences.

He has no right to threaten you whatsoever. I always tell people that when you are dating, it’s encouraged to go for premarital counselling. There are so many lessons on relationships. It is in your best interest to consider this too. A child should be brought up in a conducive environment and this is determined by you as a parent.

If you truly love this guy, work on this relationship otherwise you are just wasting your time. But it seems you are throwing in the towel since you are looking up to me and elsewhere for options. Who are you angry with the most? Is it your boyfriend or his brother? Whatever the case, make sure you know what you want. Usaite hasha dzegurwe rinodambura makumbo rozoshaya chekufambisa. Please keep me posted.