I feel like I’m being tricked
I don’t believe in love anymore
I am a 33-year-old woman and I do not believe in love anymore. I was married for 10 years and I have been out of that marriage for six years. I have three children.
I was so unhappy in that union and a lot of unfortunate things happened. It was a very abusive relationship. Now I feel as though I am not worthy of love. I worry I will never find anyone who can make me feel happy again. I have written to you hoping that you can help me map a way forward.
Response
The worst bit is that this unhappy marriage was blessed with three innocent kids. Obviously, these kids were caught in the crossfire along the way. Your letter paints a very dark picture about the whole marriage. It is unfortunate that despite these red flags you kept on having children. Maybe this was beyond your control. Many people end up getting into loveless marriages because of peer pressure and other reasons.
I will always say that the reason why people come together in holy matrimony should be true love, respect and commitment. There are laws you should have used for protection. Did you know this guy well before you tied the knot? I also encourage other couples to go for marital counselling before settling down. It helps to know your would-be spouse better. It is my hope that your ex-hubby is paying for child support for the kids.
If not go to court and claim it. In my view, you are still angry and a lot is still bottled up inside you. You need to seek help. I encourage you seek the services of a professional counsellor. You are still young, take it one step at a time until you are sure of what you want to do. I know it is hard to believe, but there are still other good guys out there. I am glad that despite all this you are still in your children’s lives. I also would want you to pray for peace. Be sociable, communicate with family and friends, this will help you loosen up and get you ready to engage people outside this circle. I would be happy to hear from you again.
Heartbroken over finances
I have been with my husband for nine years. I still do not feel financially included in his plans. We do not budget and plan our finances like a married couple. For instance, we run a tuckshop together and I, at times, convert our profits to foreign currency.
He just uses these finances without telling me what he spends them on. He occasionally even sends money to his sister in the rural areas without my consent. I asked him about this matter and he bluntly said I was in no position to ask him what he does with the money we make. He even went further to say that when he dies all his money shall be safeguarded by the trust he set up and I will not get a single dime. He made it seem as if I am after his inheritance.
Ndakarwadziwa zvekuti, up to this day I do not ask about finances anymore. Is this normal? I do not feel like this is how functional relationships are supposed to work.
Response
ln normal situations, marriage is supposed to be a very happy institution, but in your case it is the complete opposite. When two people are joined in holy matrimony, it is generally assumed they have agreed to share their lives and resources until death separates them. This is actually one of the vows they take.
It seems you have no idea of how to go about your marriage. Spouses do not keep secrets in their union, they work together as a team. Your husband is off track, sending money privately to his sister and using all the money from your tuck shop without your knowledge is wrong. From your letter, I can tell that there is no trust in your marriage.
Why does your husband think you would want to kill him? There is no one who has a right to single-handedly steal or abuse resources from a marriage. I urge you both to go through counselling with a professional.
You are very upset about what your husband is doing, but you have decided to take a back seat and keep quiet. This does not solve anything and it does not give you peace at all. It is not healthy, you need to communicate, it plays a very pivotal role in each and every union. It is my hope that sooner or later your husband will take back his words because they are very hurtful.
How can he say you are going to kill him for inheritance? Please get help from a counsellor. I would want to hear from you after your sessions.
I feel like I’m being tricked
I am a 23-year-old who has been dating a 27-year-old for about two months now. I have one child. I would not describe myself as being madly in love. When I started dating this guy, he insisted that I introduce him to my aunt, but I told him it was too early. He pushed so much that I eventually did.
When the shoe was on the other foot, all I heard were endless stories about how I could not meet his family. There were scheduling conflicts and what not. He claims to be single and that he does not have any children of his own, but I feel like I am being played. He even does not want me to visit him at his place. He claims it is unsafe. Kana ndimiwo what kind of story is that? Must I dump him amai?
Response
I always say when you are a parent, plan your life with your child in mind. The decisions you make will affect them. At 23 you should be able to read between the lines and keep your eyes open to see the red flags. Your relationship is only two months old, but there is so much drama. Who in their normal senses would rush for official introductions just after a month? You are still strangers, you need time to get to know each other.
From the little you have said, I can already tell what he is up to. He does not want you to meet his family, but he pushed to see yours. He does not want you to know where he stays either. What do you make of that? Why is his place not safe? Do you believe that he is divorced? Why does he always change the plans that you make?
This guy is a big joke and is trying to take advantage of you. Please protect yourself and your child against such men. Wake up and smell the coffee.
It is very rare for me to tell people not to waste their time, but in your case please leave this guy. For now, try and do something profitable and spend more time with your child. Do not look for problems, I believe you have enough on your plate. I would be happy to hear from you again.