Guards: The good, bad and the ugly

Aneighbour’s son got seriously injured after shattering a windowpane while playing and needed urgent medical attention.

His penniless mother watched helplessly as the minor writhed in pain, which prompted me to fetch the child’s father who had gone to drown his sorrows at a nearby pub.

I forced my jelly legs to carry me as fast as they could to the joint, whereupon arrival, the guard demanded that I pay US$1 admission fee, which I unfortunately did not have.

When I explained my mission, he went ballistic.

“It is either you are paying the admission fee or no entry,” he said, while pushing me aside with his baton to clear the way for paying clients.

“Handina kuuya kuzonzwa dzana tsuro nagudo pano, kana pasina mari haupindi and that is that sadza rekuboarding. Imagine if I start listening to everyone’s tales, would there be peace here?” the guard purred while adjusting his ashen sun-baked uniform trousers, which desperately cried out to have some time in laundry water.

When I told him that he was being unreasonable, the tall fellow, with a furrowed brow and red eyes, hit back.

He was spoiling for a fight. “Mudhara, ndanga ndichikunyarai. Zivai kuti kusanzwisisa ikoko ndiko kwandinoto bhadharirwa (I am actually paid to be unreasonable).”

I only managed to deliver the message after my neighbour joined the curious group that emerged from the pub to find out what the ruckus was all about.

I later discovered that this kind of behaviour was not out of the ordinary. Apparently, public relations is not part of their vocabulary. Although this is not always the case, a good number of security guards are a difficult lot to deal with.

Called “gadhi”, “sekiyuriti”, “mahobho”, “hudhu”, “sahope”, “muzvinagedhe” or “ziso”, people who provide security services at various workplaces, churches, homes or any other place are often unnecessarily difficult. Very few people at workplaces or in communities have kind words for them.

“Those guys are bad news. They are only rivalled by nurses and those who work at the passport office. It is as though someone coaches them to be rough,” one elderly man remarked while shaking his head in disbelief after an encounter with an uncouth guard who lavished him with obscenities.

“I think being rude is an entry requirement for security guards. It is difficult to come across a humane guard. They hurl obscenities at people and no one can answer them back for fear of jeopardising their trip.

“My sister once failed to buy medication for her ailing son after she shot back at a security guard who had hurled expletives at her. From that incident, I told myself that it is better to let them enjoy ephemeral victory than to lose out on important missions,” said one elderly woman.

Even at workplaces, people always have reason to hate these curious breed of men and women.

“Those are useless people. They search you for no apparent reason and at times they let ‘enemies’ know you are around. Imagine, I was running away from a messenger of court and they offered to receive the summons on my behalf,” I heard one guy saying.

“Guards are not friendly people. They are are trained to sniff for wrongdoing and the more they get closer, the more they will be trying to get you,” quipped another.

But landlords absolutely love them because they are always alert and criminals always stay away from places where their chances of being caught are high.

“Despite their challenges in settling their rentals, guards are the best lodgers anyone can ever get . . .” reckons a Harare woman.

Finding love is always very difficult for security guards because of their inflexible working hours, which often keep them away from home. Some people are just put off by their inquisitive nature, which they consider to be overly intrusive.

“They meet a lot of people and their chances of being involved romantically with them are high. I, however, would never personally fall in love with a guard because they treat every situation with suspicion and you will never

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To Page S5

(Bruno Mars:)

Mirror on the wall,

(Lil Wayne:)

MJ taught me that.

(Bruno Mars:)

Here we are again

Through my rise and fall (Wayne:) Uh) You’ve been my only friend

(Lil Wayne:)

Take ‘em to Mars man

(Bruno Mars:)

You told me that they can understand the man I am

So why are we talkin’ to each other again? (Lil Wayne:)

Uh...

(Bruno Mars:)

Mirror on the wall (Wayne:) Ooh), here we are again (Wayne:) Yeah)

Through my rise and fall

You’ve been my only friend (Wayne:) Any questions?)

You told me that they can (Wayne:) I come to you) understand the man I am (Wayne:) You always have the answer)

So why are we here talkin’ to each other again?

(Bruno Mars:)

Mirror on the wall.

(Wayne:)

Ay, B.P.

Looks like I did take ‘em to Mars this time (Bruno Mars:)

So why are we talking to each other again?