My lover has mood swings

Iam a 20-year-old woman and am in love with a moody boyfriend. He is 23 and we have been going out for the past two years. I love this guy with all my heart but he is just difficult. Kana twakakwidza he does not respond when I speak to him but instead uses sign language. At times I wonder why we even go out because of his attitude. Last week, on his 23rd birthday, I sent him a beautiful love message and he did not comment. I asked whether he had seen it or not, he simply said “handisati ndaivhura.” Ndakangopererwa.

We only laugh and have fun when he wants to. We talked about marriage once but I am beginning to doubt if he was sincere. We stay in the same neighbourhood, but last week he pulled a shocker when he told me to sit in the back seat of his car. I asked why, then he started moving away slowly ndikatoona kuti ndakusiiwa, and I had no option but to get in. I thought maybe we were going to pick up his relative or someone along the way, but we drove straight into town. Later on in the day I phoned him and he just responded, “hauna kusvika kwawanga uchienda here?”

I can write a book about him and how he is so different from the other guys. The truth is I do not feel loved.

I have done my best to show him kuti ndakaperera, but I cannot get a straightforward answer from him. Do you think this guy will ever change for the better or I am wasting my time? When he is with other people, he jokes and chats normally, but with me it is the opposite. I spoke to my tete about it and she said most men havasununguke nemadzimai kana vasikana vavo nekuti havadi kudheererwa. Please help me.

Response

I felt so sorry for you when I read your letter. I kept asking myself why you put yourself through this. Love should be reciprocal, mharapara — ndikwenye ndigokukwenyawo. Why have you allowed yourself to sink so low? Your sweetheart tells you to sit at the back of his car after having threatened to drive off and you comply, nhamo yacho ndeyeiko? I will be blunt! In my view, this guy is just wasting your time.

At 20, you can do better. For your information, marriage does not change one’s character just like the leopard does not change its spots. The stage you are at now is the romantic stage, yekupengesana nerudo. It is a different stage from marriage, which comes with so many responsibilities and has less time for you to focus on each other.

It is very difficult to deal with moody people because they always change like weather — zvinyamusi hazvina mugoni. This guy is playing games with you. When he is in the company of other people, he jokes about, he chats and is happy, so it is obvious he does not enjoy your company. It is not okay for a guy to ignore his girlfriend nekuti haadi kudheererwa; that is unacceptable!

Do you think a guy who is not keen to open your love/birthday message cares for you? Frankly, I do not see any light or future in this relationship unless there is a drastic change or minana. My advice to you is to bite the bullet and tell him how you feel and the changes you would want to see. Give him an ultimatum. If he does not comply, then walk away from him. You are better off alone than with a false lover. Do not be looked down upon wakazvikwanira. I wish you all the best.

I don’t want my estranged hubby back

I am a 24-year-old woman and a mother of two. I go to a popular apostolic sect. My parents divorced when I was a young child. I was brought up at my mother’s home where there is this big chipostori background. I stayed with my husband for six years and I experienced a very unhappy and abusive marriage. I complained a lot to my mother’s relatives, but they all said mutemo wechurch unoti shingirira.

My life was miserable, my husband would cheat on me with several women and ill-treat me all the time. This led me to complain to my father’s relatives because zvanga zvanyanya. They were annoyed considering my husband had not paid lobola. They took me in together with my kids. My hubby was told that if he loved me, he would come and pay lobola then we would return to him.

Now the church is threatening to boot me out if I do not reconcile with him. This man took another woman in when I left, so how do I go back? Kuno kwandiri ndigere zvakanaka. I am confused, Please assist.

Response

I am terribly sorry for what you went through at the hands of this man. This kind of life also has a negative impact on children’s upbringing. If the truth be told, the father of your kids was never your husband because he never paid lobola for you, so makabika mapoto for six years. No wonder why it was so easy for him to bring another woman when you left. What people from your father’s side did is very commendable. Abusive relationships can end in death. He must be brought to book for his past transgressions. Please report him.

The saddest part is even in such an unhappy relationship you gave birth to two innocent children who may be disadvantaged in so many ways in their lives because of this break-up. A spouse who loves his/her better-half will never beat up or be abusive in any way. Marriage, as I always say, is straightforward: It is about love, respect and true companionship — haisi yekushingirira.

My advice to you is to stay where you are because you are happy. How do you go back to an abusive man who is now staying with another woman? Ko ukapondwa? Where is your pride? This guy never followed you, how do you know if he wants you back or not? Mutemo wekuchurch kana usingachengetedze upenyu hwako is not worth its salt. The people who are asking you to come back are not the ones you will be staying with. This guy is very irresponsible because he is not even concerned about his children’s welfare.

Go to a civil court and claim child support. Happiness is important in any marriage. It is about you; not them. Please weigh your options. Kudzingwa muchurch yepanyika hakusi kudzingwa naMwari. You are very young and full of potential. You can stand on your own and take care of your kids. Move on and make hay whilst the sun still shines. Raise your self-esteem and fly like an eagle. If you are not sure, then engage a professional counsellor who will help you. I wish you all the best.

Amwene pressurising me to name my daughter after her

I hope I find you well Mai Chisamba. I am a married woman blessed with two kids — a boy and a girl. My mother-inlaw imposed her name on my daughter and I voiced my concern over that when my kid was still a baby. My husband supported me and the name was never registered. My daughter is now 10 and my son is 12. Over the years, I thought this was water under the bridge.

My husband’s youngest brother, who recently got married, has again been pressured to name his daughter after his mother. They have both refused, claiming it was my daughter’s name. We have even shown them the birth certificate to prove it was never registered. My mother-in-law is breathing fire and saying a lot of unnecessary things. She is accusing me of influencing everyone and has threatened us kuti tichaona nevana vamuri kudada navo muchiramba zita rangu.

Amwene is saying she only has two sons who have both refused to name their kids after her. The two tetes are teaming up with their mother, saying tavashora zvisingaite. I told vana tete that they can give the name to one of their children if they so wished.

Mai Chisamba, is this the way it should be that a name is imposed on your child?

Baba has not said a word on this, so we don’t know what he thinks. There is a lot of tension within the family, how do we resolve this? Varoora vavo — her brother’s wives — refused the name too, that is why she wants to pressure us. Ko sei vanhu vese vari kuramba? Please assist, the discomfort is killing us. To make matters worse, we all go to the same church.

Response

Thank you for writing in. I am very well. For starters, what is in a name? I bet there are thousands of people world over who share the same name with your mother-in-law. In the Shona culture, when they say mwana ane zita, it will be a name given to someone after a certain ritual is done. It does not matter whether you had other names or not, rinonzi zita regombwa, and this can only happen after the previous owner of the name is deceased.

Your mother-in-law is still alive, so do not worry about this issue, even if you had accepted, rinonzi remadanha kungoti marifarirawo. Families should learn not to pick fights over nothing. Every couple has a right to name their children as they please. It is also up to them to ask amai or anyone else to do that on their behalf if they so wish. I do not understand why amai is bulldozing. Maybe this is the reason why everyone is saying no. Vari kuita senge pane zviripo ipo pasina. There is absolutely no need to threaten varoora about this issue.

Why is baba silent whilst the family is tearing each other apart? He has the potential to end this squabble. I do not think the church is helping much and why even bother to mention it when you are all doing the opposite of what the church teaches?

After baba speaks, and you are not happy, then you can engage the pastor/ priest to talk and pray with the family. You need each other; kungofungirana nekutukana hazvivake musha. Your sisters-in-law should not take their mother’s side; instead, they should help calm amai down. It defeats all logic that a Christian who goes to church can keep a grudge for ten years — oh God forbid! Be of good cheer, the Supreme Being will always be in charge and will help you through this.